{"id":95303,"date":"2025-05-12T12:23:10","date_gmt":"2025-05-12T12:23:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/95303\/"},"modified":"2025-05-12T12:23:10","modified_gmt":"2025-05-12T12:23:10","slug":"i-just-learned-about-my-friends-approach-to-sugar-with-her-kids-it-really-couldnt-be-worse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/95303\/","title":{"rendered":"I just learned about my friend’s approach to sugar with her kids. It really couldn’t be worse."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

At a birthday party for a friend\u2019s child yesterday, another friend mentioned just before the cake was served that she told her two daughters (ages 4 and 5) that if you eat sugar, you\u2019ll get diabetes and your legs will fall off. I was immediately horrified and mumbled something like, \u201cWow, you are going with the fear technique.\u201d Her reasoning was that they have a family history of obesity and diabetes, so this was the best option.<\/p>\n

I feel like her kids, who are currently too scared of sugar to eat more than a bite or two even at a birthday party, are going to grow up with an unhealthy relationship with sugary foods, especially when they find out (which they will!) that eating sugar does not mean your legs will fall off. I also think that if they really do have a lot of family members with diabetes, this is going to be scary for the kids. \u201cOh, we are on a trip to visit Grandma, I hope her legs don\u2019t fall off while we are there!\u201d Why give them something so intense to worry about about all the family members they love?! I know it\u2019s not my place to say anything \u2026 but it made me super uncomfortable. And I definitely don\u2019t want my child (3) to overhear that. (My child was not next to us when she said this, but other kids were.) Do I say something?<\/p>\n

\u2014Sugar is Not a Monster<\/p>\n

Dear Sugar,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I agree that this seems like an extreme tactic to take (and one that seems very likely<\/a> to backfire). How and whether you reply depends a lot on the specific friendship in question. If you are close friends, you might choose to speak up\u2014not in the moment when she next spouts this \u201cadvice\u201d to her kids, but later in the day or week. Don\u2019t phrase it like a correction, but approach her with a question. Something like, \u201cI wanted to ask you about what you said at the party last week. I get you all have some medical history you need to watch out for, but I don\u2019t know, do you think it might be a little extreme?\u201d You\u2019ll know from her reaction whether you can probe further or if you need to let the issue drop.<\/p>\n

If the above isn\u2019t a route you feel comfortable taking, given your relationship with this mom, keep the focus on your own children instead. Try, \u201cHey, I know you\u2019re trying to watch your kids\u2019 sugar intake, but could I ask you not to talk about legs falling off or sugar being terrible in front of my kids? I am not trying to interfere with your parenting, but it\u2019s confusing my kids.\u201d And 3 is definitely not too young to start teaching your kids to have a healthy, informed relationship with food. The link above has some good framing to consider. I also really enjoy the book French Kids Eat Everything<\/a> by Karen Le Billon as a way to reflect on what we feed our kids and how. Even if you can\u2019t do anything about your friend\u2019s scare tactics, you can use this incident as motivation to be intentional about how you want to talk about food in your own family.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My ex-husband tells people that I had an affair when I did not. He told this to my stepdaughter, and it caused a rift that has not healed. He has reached out to my friends, former students, and clients\u2014whoever has been willing to talk with him has heard the same thing. My two kids are graduating from high school this spring, and I\u2019m worried that now that they are adults, he will tell them the same lie, or they will hear it from someone else he has told it to. Would it be OK if I had a respectful and nonjudgmental conversation with them about this? It feels wrong to involve them, but it seems like they\u2019re going to be involved regardless, and this way I can at least have a chance to say my piece.<\/p>\n

\u2014Hating Every Option<\/p>\n

Dear Hating Every Option,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I think it\u2019s absolutely appropriate to talk to your kids about this. It would be one thing if you were trying to decide whether to divulge your relationship\u2019s dirty laundry\u2014that, I think, should only be done in very select situations. But in this case, your ex is the one airing said laundry, and it\u2019s not even true! Do what you need to do to protect your relationship and reputation with the people it matters to most. Your children are old enough for a conversation of this nature; done right, I think speaking to them honestly and earnestly about this situation conveys your respect for them and acknowledges their maturity. I\u2019m sure you don\u2019t want to drag them into this drama that your ex is causing, but from what you write, that sounds like an inevitability, anyway. You might as well equip them with the pertinent information.<\/p>\n

You didn\u2019t ask this question, but if your ex\u2019s actions have demonstrably damaged your reputation\u2014and impacted your relationships, ability to get or keep work, etc.\u2014you might want to speak to a lawyer about whether you have grounds for a defamation suit against him. It may not be worth the legal fees and hassle, but you might as well cover your bases and check.<\/p>\n

Send Your Questions to Good Job!<\/p>\n

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am struggling with a family vacation dilemma and could use some outside perspective. My 16-year-old son, Phil, has a summer job working at a camp, which means he can\u2019t take time off except for national holidays. His father (my ex) and I were both supportive of him getting a job, but now that summer is approaching, I would like to take a family vacation with his two younger sisters (ages 14 and 12). Unless the trip happens during the July 4th weekend (which is very expensive and anywhere will be overcrowded), the trip would have to happen during his time working, and he can\u2019t take time off.<\/p>\n

His sisters, and Phil himself, feel it is unfair to go on a vacation without him. Especially since our first choice would be a city that has sights he is really interested in seeing. In general, my youngest and Phil share a lot of similar interests (both really into animals and nature and stuff like that), so anywhere I bring my youngest will be a place that Phil will be upset about missing out on. His father is indifferent to the situation and has offered to stay behind or check in on Phil while we are away. Phil is responsible, so I don\u2019t worry about him being home alone. I really want to take a summer vacation. Ideally, I\u2019d like one with my kids. Is it really that bad to do a trip without Phil? I could take him on a solo trip or another trip with his sisters during winter break.<\/p>\n

\u2014Planning a Vacation<\/p>\n

Dear Vacation,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My In-Laws Are Keeping a Life-Altering Secret From My Niece. She\u2019s Catching On to the Truth.
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    I\u2019ve Been Spending a Lot of Time With a Younger Man at Work. What My Husband Doesn\u2019t Know Won\u2019t Hurt Him.
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  3. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    Help! My Late Husband\u2019s Very Nice Family Won\u2019t Leave Me the Hell Alone. Can I Break Ties?
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n <\/p>\n

    My Daughter Has Tracked Me Down. But I Can\u2019t Give Her What She Wants From Me.
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    I will be honest, it sure feels that bad to me! As a teen, I would feel incredibly hurt to know that my parent\u2019s optional vacation dreams were more important to them than whether I was there. If Phil didn\u2019t care, that would be one thing, but he\u2019s told you he\u2019s bothered by your plan. What lesson are you teaching your children if you take this vacation? You\u2019re not only devaluing Phil\u2019s place in the family, but you\u2019re also devaluing the honoring of one\u2019s commitments, because you\u2019re teaching him (and his sisters) that being responsible is a raw deal. Plus, the sisters are against this plan\u2014you really think they\u2019re going to be good company if you follow through with this trip?<\/p>\n

    If going on a vacation is really important to you\u2014and no shade if it is, we all need a break sometimes\u2014then grab a girlfriend or go solo, or find a budget-friendly excursion for the holiday week. But don\u2019t give your kids a reason to feel you let them down.<\/p>\n

    Finally, I want to take a moment and note that as part of my day job, I oversee a summer camp. There are always staff who, despite their assurances throughout the interview process that they will commit to the entire summer, find themselves with a surprise vacation they insist on taking. This puts an incredible burden on the rest of the staff and jeopardizes the safety of our campers. I applaud Phil for standing by his commitment; please don\u2019t do anything that makes that harder on him.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Allison<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My husband and I have a 14-year-old daughter who started high school this month. We\u2019ve always had a hands-off approach to her education. We expect her to do the work, but we allow her to set her own priorities, and we don\u2019t even look over her homework unless she asks us for help. (We always help her if we\u2019re asked, but we also encourage her to ask questions of her teachers, or work with her classmates, because we\u2019ve found that they\u2019re often better resources than mom and dad.) We wanted her to take ownership of her schoolwork and felt that stepping back and letting her take care of it was what worked for her.<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":95304,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4318],"tags":[2420,4376,105,3171,4434,16,15],"class_list":{"0":"post-95303","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-nutrition","8":"tag-parenting","9":"tag-advice","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-kids","12":"tag-nutrition","13":"tag-uk","14":"tag-united-kingdom"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/114494846007653479","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/95303","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=95303"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/95303\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/95304"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=95303"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=95303"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=95303"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}