Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, “Jolene,” and I have two kids, “Kyle,” 6, and “Ariel,” 9. Last week Ariel’s friend “Vanessa” (same age) came over and brought her new skateboard. After the girls drifted to another activity, Kyle took the skateboard and tried to ride it in the driveway. We have a deep lot and our driveway is a bit on the steep side. Kyle ended up falling off and got scraped up. It was nothing serious, but now Jolene is furious and seeking someone to blame.

She says Vanessa can’t come over anymore because, according to her, Kyle would never have gotten injured if she hadn’t brought the skateboard. I think this is a massive overreaction. Kyle took the skateboard without telling anybody, learned a painful lesson, and I think that should be the end of it. Can you give me some advice for getting my wife to be reasonable?

—Skateboard Scrape

Dear Skateboard Scrape, 

Your wife is being totally reasonable because, right now, she sees that skateboard as medieval weaponry and Vanessa as the person who brought the weaponry into her home that injured innocent little Kyle–her little Kyle who was off in his playroom, happy as ever, watching Paw Patrol, but became distracted by the gleaming battle axe left in the corner near the coat rack, and, of course, he let his curiosity get the best of him, swung it around, and nearly broke his jaw in the process.

I know this sounds ridiculous, because it is.

Let’s do the real recap: Kyle took it upon himself to inadvisably hop on a skateboard down a steep incline and then promptly ate it.

It’s not Vanessa’s fault, and she shouldn’t be penalized for it. Explain to your wife that the only reasonable response is to patch up Kyle, remind him not to take things without asking, and, if he wants to try skateboarding again, get him lessons, kneepads, and a helmet (and a flat surface).

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 6-year-old daughter, “Amelia,” with my husband, “Keith.” Keith is close to his brother, “Garry,” and we come over to his place and visit frequently. Garry keeps a pet hawk, which is very well trained and safe to be around. Amelia adores the bird, which led to a problem.

About a month ago, we got a call from Garry, asking if the last time we visited, any of us fed his hawk. It’s been acting a bit strange, he said. Amelia confessed almost immediately that she saved a bit of bacon from her breakfast and gave it to the bird, since our dog always likes table scraps. Garry got very agitated, even over the phone, and lectured her about how it’s not good to feed birds something that salty and fatty and said she made the hawk sick. We offered to pay vet bills, but it didn’t come to that; after about a week the hawk recovered from its digestive problems.

In the last two visits, we’ve watched her closely, and she has promised not to slip treats to the bird anymore, but Garry has noted that the bird keeps flapping its wings at her, trying to attract her attention. He says that this is a kind of begging behavior, and he asked us not to bring Amelia over to his place for a few months until the stimulus fades in the bird.

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I don’t begrudge my brother-in-law anything about how he cares for his own pet, but Amelia is absolutely devastated. She thinks her uncle hates her now and hasn’t been reassured even when he comes over to visit us at our place.  I keep trying to reassure her that it was a mistake, that she did the right thing by confessing to it, that Garry really does like her, and the bird’s fine, but she is on the edge of tears anytime anything even remotely related to the incident comes up. What can I do to help her?
—Mistakes Happen

Dear Mistakes Happen,

I totally feel this. My 7-year-old daughter has similar residual guilt. If we bring up any incident from when she was younger—like the time she was a toddler and shorted-out half our electrical outlets using the kitchen sink spray hose to have a sprinkle party (aw!)—she’ll break into tears out of frustration and embarrassment and plead with us to stop bringing it up. It’s tough to get kids to have an adult’s understanding of mistakes and forgiveness.

From here on out, make it a team effort to keep assuring Amelia that Garry has cooled down, the hawk is soaring and swooping as usual, and that everyone still loves her and has moved on.

Over time, hopefully, the hawk will chill out and understand that the sight of Amelia doesn’t automatically mean it’s all-you-can-eat bacon night at the roost. But also be sure to pull her aside and let her know that in 20 years she’ll have a great Weird Uncle story about Garry and that time she gave his pet hawk IBS.

—A.J.

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