Family relations can have enough friction without adding politics to the mix, but for Mike and Melissa, both seventy-something, church-going Republicans, the issue crossed a line so severe there may be no going back.
That’s the case after the couple fell out with their son, Shawn, and his wife, Amy, both liberal Democrats. Ongoing political arguments poisoned the family well so deeply that Shawn and Amy went full “no contact” with his parents, with no reconciliation in sight.
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Now, Mike and Melissa are considering cutting Shawn out of their will, which is valued at about $5 million, at leaving it all to his sister Carly. If there’s no shot at a reconciliation, the couple will have to make one of the hardest financial decisions of their lives — and it’s one that family and money experts say is fraught with peril.
“The parents can decide where their money goes,” Brook McKenzie, CEO and licensed counselor at Dallas-based Burning Tree Programs, told Moneywise. “But I think they’re asking the wrong question.”
To McKenzie, the better question is: “Am I making an estate planning decision — or am I trying to make my child feel the consequences of rejecting me?”
As she notes, “Those are radically different motivations. If the real objective is to punish, influence, or force reconciliation, money has stopped being an inheritance and become leverage.”
That may produce compliance, McKenzie said. It’s unlikely, however, to produce genuine relationship repair. “Money can purchase compliance,” she added. “It cannot purchase reconciliation.”
Know your options before acting
Before making any final family decisions on the $5 million will, experts say Mike and Melissa should weigh several significant factors first.
Family finance experts generally find that parents aren’t necessarily using an inheritance to respond to family estrangement. “Rather, estrangement is part of the context to the situation that is giving rise to potential disinheritance,” Rachel Schromen, an estate planning attorney and founder at Minnesota-based Schromen Law, LLC, told Moneywise
When family friction issues come up with clients, Schromen’s goal is to help clients identify their concerns, values and long-term intentions. “In that way, the decisions they make result in an estate planning that reflects those things, rather than reflecting an emotional reaction to the situation,” she said.
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Thinking for the long haul is especially important when estrangement is related to politics, values or another issue where emotions are running high. “Relationships change, people reconcile, grandchildren are born, perspectives soften,” Schromen noted.
This doesn’t mean parents are obligated to leave assets equally to their children. However, Schromen said she encourages clients to ask themselves: “If the conflict disappeared tomorrow, would I still want my estate distributed this way?
“If the answer is no, we tend to have more conversation and discuss alternative options to full disinheritance, which remain flexible to be changed as time goes on and the situation changes,” she added.
Consider a trust
If Mike and Melissa are mainly worried about how Shawn may choose to spend their money one day, they might want to consider a trust. A legal trust, a fiduciary relationship where a trustor gives a trustee the right to hold title to property or assets for a beneficiary, can help solve that particular family financing problems.
“Trusts are powerful tools for accomplishing various legacy goals,” Joe Maier, senior vice president of wealth strategy at Milwaukee-based Johnson Financial Group, told Moneywise. “One such goal is to ensure your assets further your values. ”
A big part of owning property and other financial assets is being able to determine the impact it should and should not make.
“If your most treasured values surround ensuring that your assets are used only to further your chosen values, then a trust is a very effective tool to achieve your goals,” Maier said. “The trust can easily be designed so that your property cannot be used for items, people and causes that you do not approve.”
If a client chooses to design a trust to further his or her values and goals, Maier said he always makes sure he or she understands that the trust will not further the child’s independent values, goals, or wishes. “That could create some negative feelings and lingering disappointment to the child,” he noted. “It’s all about balancing values.”
Leave the door open
Finally, keep in mind that when it comes to family finance squabbles, it doesn’t have to be a choice between “equal inheritance” and “nothing.”
“Parents may leave a smaller percentage to an estranged child or they could also leave money in a trust for the benefit of the estranged child, and dictate distributions by age or according to certain standards,” Schromen said. For example, they could state that the assets in the trust can be used for medical expenses “but not distributed to be donated to causes by the estranged child,” Schromen added.
McKenzie said one of the central ideas in her book, You’re Waiting on You: Why Real Recovery Starts with You — Not Them, is that people cannot control another person’s behavior; they can only decide how they’re going to respond.
“The parents cannot force their children to restore contact,” she said. “The children cannot dictate how their parents distribute their estate.”
Yet both sides can ask whether they’re making choices that leave a door open, or building something the next generation will have to tear down.
“The question isn’t who deserves the $5 million,” McKenzie added. “It’s whether $5 million should be allowed to have the final word in a family.”
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This article originally appeared on Moneywise.com under the title: Our son recently cut us out of his life over politics — should we cut him out of his $5 million inheritance?
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.