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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a public official who works with local schools. A few weeks ago, my sister called me in a rage because my nephew had had a terrible experience on his school bus—there had been some sort of uproar—and when she called the principal, she was blown off. She wanted to approach the superintendent about the incident, and I said I’d help her. But then, I was in a meeting at which video from the incident was shown (it involved about 20 kids).
To my horror, I saw that my nephew was one of the main instigators. I couldn’t believe how badly he behaved (and the rest of the room was pretty incensed that he hadn’t been disciplined).
What I saw was supposed to be confidential, but I figured, well, family trumps work. I shared what I now knew with my sister to try to get her to rethink talking to the superintendent. I was sure that, in her shoes, I’d want to know what my kid had done so I could address the behavior; I also didn’t want her to be blindsided if she did go to the superintendent and found out that way. Well, she lost her mind on me, saying that her child had no idea he had misbehaved (he’s 13 and should absolutely know better) and that it wasn’t my business if her kid acted out. Is she right? Should I have just let her deal with whatever came? And if I see a member of my family misbehaving, should I consider it none of my business?
—In An Ethical Mess
Dear Mess,
I’m afraid that neither your being sure that, if you were in your sister’s shoes, you’d want to know (one can never be “sure” that someone, even a close family member, will want what you’d want—or that your hypothetical reaction to distressing information is an indicator of what her real-life one will be) nor your desire to protect her from being blindsided was a good reason for you to break confidentiality. I have a feeling your anger (you seem angry!) at her response to the information you shared is the result of feeling unappreciated for doing so. As the proverb my late father used to declare goes, “No good deed goes unpunished.” He liked to help people whether they wanted or asked for his help or not. Sometimes that help was not appreciated, and his feelings would be deeply hurt.
As for your sister: She might be embarrassed or ashamed and is thus lashing out at you … or she might be in true denial, believing that her child can do no wrong. Either way, you stepped into something that you (indeed) had no business stepping into, even if you stepped in for what you sincerely believed were all the right reasons.
But now you know. And while I sympathize with you (as I always sympathized with my father, who was always well-intentioned), I caution you to stop and think before you insert yourself into scenarios involving others (yes, even your family). I don’t think it will necessarily always be “none of your business”—there may be situations when you are in a position to be helpful and generous and even to save the day—but I do think you need to do some soul-searching before you act.
Finally: “Confidential” does not mean, for someone in public office, “except of course when I learn something involving my sister.” Family may indeed, in general, trump work, but there are types of work in which respecting confidentiality is part of the job.
—Michelle
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