If you thought skipping breakfast was edgy, get ready for the next level: health guru Kyle Barkley says you must eat before you eat—or risk turning your gut into a digestive disaster.
Barkley, bestselling author of Wear Out Your Fork, Not Your Stomach, warns that consuming actual food on an empty stomach is “the single dumbest thing you can do,” citing risks of bloating, digestive chaos, and even tripled heart attack risk—“a CrossFit coach’s worst nightmare,” he quipped during an Instagram Live from Venice Beach. He claims Silicon Valley startuppers swear by his method: down a couple of donuts at dawn to trigger the “survival hormone” Vitalin, unleashing 17-hour workdays fueled by adrenaline and regret.
But there’s more. In his new guide, Barkley advises against all liquids between 9 AM and 11 PM, because apparently your kidneys need coffee breaks too. And forget gym memberships—he recommends exercising “three to four times per half-day,” which even hardcore Peloton riders find exhausting. Followers report living an extra eight to ten minutes on average—just enough time to wish they’d ignored his advice.
This is a parody. No actual nutrition advice was harmed in the making of this article.
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