Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My boyfriend will be moving in with me in two months into my home which I own. He plans to pay $1,000/month in rent to me, which is slightly more than what he currently pays, until he pays off his credit card. Once that is cleared, he plans to pay more, but how do we determine a fair amount for rent? I have no plans to add him to the deed of my home.

I’m also wondering, if we were to break up in the future, is there a fair amount of money he should receive when moving out, seeing as he will be paying rent to me without “getting anything in return”? Or should we be looking at this another way?

—Boyfriend Buyout?

Dear Boyfriend Buyout,

You’re smart to plan ahead for a big move like this. Money issues can seriously undermine even the strongest relationship, so it’s wise to get this sorted out now.

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Everyone does things a little differently, so what you decide is “fair” really depends on what you’re both comfortable with. There are a few ways to approach it. He could pay less in rent, but pick up certain household expenses like groceries and utilities, for instance. Or you could add up the cost of the mortgage, utilities, property taxes and maintenance and split the cost proportionally based on income. Here’s a calculator that can help with that.

On the breakup question, I do think there could be another way to look at it. He’s not “getting nothing in return” for his rent. He’s getting a place to live, just like any tenant would. You’re taking on all the financial risk of homeownership, building equity, and responsible for maintenance and repairs. That’s why you get the long-term benefit of ownership.

The most important thing is to have this conversation now and maybe even write down what you agree on. It doesn’t have to be a formal lease, but having your expectations clear about rent amounts, household responsibilities, and what happens if you break up will protect both of you. Mixing money and relationships is tricky, but being upfront about it from the start will work out better than figuring it out as you go.

—Kristin

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Our son suffered from a brain injury after a car accident. He is independent but hard to employ, and my husband and I have long resolved ourselves to helping him financially. He met and married “Deb” three years ago. Deb had two girls from a previous relationship. We wanted to welcome her and her girls fully into the family, but Deb had a marked preference for her own family over ours. Despite many invitations, they only visited us a handful of times and never offered for us to visit them. My husband and I were dutiful grandparents—we mailed gifts and cards on all the right occasions and asked about the girls on the phone, but we were never grandma or grandpa. Two years ago, Deb wanted to put her girls in a private school after they went through a series of serious bullying incidents and the public school did nothing. Their family couldn’t afford it, so we stepped up and paid the tuition, along with all the other assorted costs. It wasn’t cheap.

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