The New York City subway system is 120 years old, roughly the same age as the hunched-over old nun on your train this morning that no one would get up and offer their seat to.

With 36 lines and 472 stations, the system is an amazing triumph of engineering and imagination. Absent personal jet packs, it remains the quickest and most efficient method to get around the Big Apple. But it isn’t without its share of problems, including over-crowding, homelessness, and cleanliness.

Recently, the MTA announced plans to yet again raise the fare, early next year, from $2.90 to $3. Fortunately, this increase will not affect the vast majority of subway riders, most of whom avoid paying the fare altogether by hopping over the turnstile or rushing in through the emergency exit door.

With the mayoral race now in full swing, how do candidates Eric Adams, Zohran Mamdani, Andrew Cuomo and Curtis Sliwa plan on addressing the transit system’s most common complaints? The following has been pieced together from various sources, none of whom were authorized to speak on the candidate’s behalf and many of whom were exiting cannabis dispensaries at the time I spoke to them.

Homelessness

Mamdani: The socialist candidate is confident there will be an abundance of affordable housing available once his tax hikes are approved and there is a mass exodus of upper and middle-class New Yorkers fleeing the city.

Cuomo: Has repeatedly offered access to the pull-out sofa in his daughter’s Midtown East apartment whenever he’s not crashing on it.

Sliwa: Has proposed fining any homeless person who claims they can’t afford an apartment $100 per day, roughly half the monthly rent for a fourth-floor walk-up studio.

Unpleasant smells

Mamdani: Has pledged to subsidize the cost of deodorant for any subway rider making less than $50,000 per year.

Adams: Renewed his call for the placement of pizza-scented candles in every subway car, an idea which was previously dismissed by the NYFD as “catastrophically dangerous.”

Cuomo: While not exactly clear how his proposal addresses the problem, Cuomo wants to provide free dry cleaning to any New Yorker who sits in a pool of unidentified liquid on a subway seat.

Safety concerns

Adams: The current mayor says he has a plan to instantly rid the system of repeat offenders with long criminal rap sheets who have terrorized subway riders for years. If reelected, Adams says he will “immediately ask my good friend, President Trump, to grant pardons to all those with criminal records. This way, the next time they are arrested, they will be recorded as first-time offenders,” explained Adams.

Overcrowding

Cuomo: It is widely expected that Cuomo will ride the subways to and from City Hall every day in a cheap PR move. Many say this will significantly cut down on the number of female commuters willing to ride the subways and risk being in a car with the former governor, thereby dramatically reducing overcrowding. Quipped one former Scott Stringer supporter, “And we lost to this guy? Only in New York.”

Trash and debris

Mamdani: The candidate has long called on the City Council to “Defund the Sanitation Department” even though DSNY is not responsible for cleaning the subway. Mamdani has also called for the installation of 5,000 additional trash cans in stations, each the size of an above ground swimming pool, a plan the MTA has dismissed as “unworkable.”

Sliwa: The conservative law-and-order candidate promises to work with Gov. Hochul to pass legislation making littering a felony, punishable by firing squad.

Train frequency

Cuomo: Has pledged to change the frequency of rush hour trains from every 10 minutes to six trains per hour. When pressed on the idea, a Cuomo insider expressed confidence that the average New Yorker is too busy and lacks the math skills required to figure out it’s the same thing.

Mamdani: In an idea similar to Cuomo’s, Mamdani has suggested halving the number of cars on the average train, from 10 to five. “This will automatically double the number of trains that pull into a station every day,” said Mamdani.

Adams: Advisors to the mayor have let it be known that Adams would be open to adding more trains to the schedule, “But it’s gonna cost ya.”

Hot platforms

Mamdani: Initially proposed running trains only in the fall, winter and spring, he has since walked back this position.

Sliwa: The founder of the Guardian Angels recently unveiled a light-weight version of his trademark red beret. Made of a breathable fabric that wicks away perspiration, Sliwa says all New Yorkers should wear them in the stifling subway system. (Available in all sizes on his campaign website).

Cuomo: Wants to decriminalize riding the subway with no pants during summer months. “It’s so cooling and refreshing,” said the former governor.

Ficarra is a freelance writer.