Money Manners is 9honey Money’s weekly column that deals with money etiquette matters that can be the cause of many an awkward encounter.

Submit your Money Manners questions to Jo Abi at jabi@nine.com.au. This week’s dilemma comes from a 9honey reader who is hoping for help with an awkward relationship dilemma.

Dilemma: ‘I don’t think he realises how much I am struggling’

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year.

“My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year, and he earns a lot more than me.” (Getty)

We split all our expenses equally, and both put the same amount of money in a joint account to cover everything. That’s our rent and electricity and groceries and wifi.

But he earns a lot more than me. He’s a bit older and is further along in his career. After I put that money in the joint account, I hardly have anything left.

I don’t think he realises how much I am struggling, and I don’t want to say anything because I want to contribute equally and I don’t want money to be an issue.

He is very generous and will pay for my coffee and dinner. But I also wish I could pay for it sometimes as well. I don’t even know what the solution is.

“After I put that money in the joint account I hardly have anything left.” (Getty)

But I know we want to be together forever, and I can’t really see how my financial situation will get better while I try and keep up with him.

Should I say something? Work more? But if I work more then we won’t have as much time together.

Advice: ‘I suggest you aim for financial equity’

Lacey Filipich from Money School says the goal should be “equity” not equality when it comes to splitting costs in relationships, regardless of who earns more.

“Given the gender pay gap and lower average pay rates in female-dominated industries, it’s common to find women earning less than their male partner yet still trying to contribute half of the expenses like you have been,” she says.

“Adding insult to injury, women are often expected to spend more thanks to the ‘pinking and shrinking’ of products for women, plus higher expectations regarding our appearance. It’s very unfair.”

Filipich says to account for this, “Instead of aiming for financial equality in your relationship (splitting costs 50/50) I suggest you aim for financial equity (splitting costs proportional to income).”

“Let’s say you earn $1,500 a week and he earns $2,500 a week. Your combined rent is $1,000 a week. If you split the rent 50/50, $500 each, you spend 33 per cent of your income while he spends 20 per cent.

‘It’s common to find women earning less than their male partner.’ (Getty)

“You have 66 per cent left over for everything else, while he has 80 per cent.

“If you instead go for a proportional approach, you’d pay $375 and he’d pay $625. That’s 25 percent for each of you, and you’re both left with 75 percent of your income after rent.

“That seems much fairer to me, anyway.”

Still, she understands the woman’s hesitation in bringing it up, but adds, “Staying silent only punishes you”, which could “eventually lead to resentment, which is not ideal if you want to be together forever”.

‘I suggest you aim for financial equity (splitting costs proportional to income).’ (Getty)

“Having an open and honest discussion about this topic would be an excellent way to strengthen your relationship and make sure you better understand each other’s positions.

“A supportive partner would want to know if he was accidentally causing you this kind of stress, so give him the chance to work with you so you can find a solution that suits you both.”

The information provided on this website is general in nature only and does not constitute personal financial advice. The information has been prepared without taking into account your personal objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information on this website you should consider the appropriateness of the information having regard to your objectives, financial situation and needs.

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