My wife suggests we pay a visit to the San Diego Zoo.
Why spend a small fortune on admission, I argue, when we can observe wildlife looking out our own window?
With air conditioning.
And no odors.
Each day, I contend, a variety of wildlife come into our view. All seen from the comfort of our own living room.
There was even that time we saw a pack of wild horses pass through the area.
“That was in 1985,” my wife declares. “It’s likely they’ll show up again sometime past our life expectancy.”
What about that mountain lion we saw?
“A quarter-century ago,” she proclaimed.
Perhaps she’s right about those rare sightings, but each day we’re treated to yet another surprise.
For no cost.
“Do you remember when that flock of peacocks ran through the area?” I questioned.
“Yes,” she confirmed. “That was when the kids were even younger than our grandchildren. It’s not likely they’ll be coming by again soon.”
“Or that elephants will be passing through,” she continued.
“Or giraffes, monkeys, gorillas, bears, rhinos or zebras.”
I walked her over to the window, where beautiful hummingbirds visited the feeders I hung throughout the patio.
A hummingbird visits a feeder. (Irv Erdos / For The San Diego Union-Tribune)
Last week, a rabbit graced our property.
There was even a time a duck made a nest in our garden, before several ducklings arrived.
We’ve had racoons, weasels, geese, gophers, coyotes, bats, bobcats, deer, hawks, roadrunners, eagles, and even a fox pay us a visit.
Along with those wild horses and that mountain lion.
“We’ve had a virtual zoo grace our own backyard,” I declared.
There was even that time, I reminded, that her brother had a live monkey. I swear this is true. It was living with with his family back in New York.
I would consider buying her one, but, according to the internet, owning a monkey in California is illegal.
Still, I attempted to impress her with a record of the huge number of animals that regularly pass through our property.
“Call me when the pandas show up,” she grumbled.
Not only does she expect us to pay a visit to the zoo, she also wants to take the grandkids.
So I took out my calculator and computed that it would cost us exactly $492.
And that’s not including food.
Or gas.
And souvenirs.
I reminded her that each year, compliments of my membership to the local Rotary organization, we’re invited to visit the Safari Park, where according to the internet, it’s home to over 3,500 animals.
It’s where park employees draped my friend Royce with a resident python.
He seemed to take it in stride.
The annual outing includes lunch, a lecture, a private exhibit, free parking, and a wonderful day touring the area.
And family is invited.
I should add, the park is exactly 7 miles and 10 minutes from our house, versus 35 miles, plus traffic, to visit the zoo.
Sadly, my argument fell on deaf ears, as my bride remained resolute, so the zoo is on the agenda.
The kids, the creatures, the cost and the calendar will continue.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.