Dr. Ken Dellefield, a Clinical Psychologist who works with older adults, explained the title of his presentation to the Coronado Optimist Club: “Your Complete Guide to Complaining.”
The definition of complaining is to find fault. He said that complaining is understandable and common and that it helps us recognize when someone is discontent. Sometimes, complaining is helpful and necessary — to protect your rights or to receive more effective services. But be careful — complaining can be contagious.
Dr. Dellefield added that it is important for us to understand the state of mind of the person complaining. Depression can cause people to become chronic complainers. People often complain when they are feeling angry, frustrated, or fearful. They may not even recognize or articulate these feelings, but their reactions to those feelings are to complain.
Complaining is an attempt at getting our needs met — it’s an attempt at “winning” when we may feel like we are “losing.” People who complain often have problems adjusting to external circumstances beyond their control.
There are several ways to analyze complaining:
• What is the intent of feelings
• What is the method of complaint
• What is the content
• What is the duration
• What is the frequency
• What is the purpose of complaining
Complaining provokes an emotional reaction. When dealing with someone who complains, take a deep breath and restrain yourself. Be supportive of the underlying reason for the complaint. Share the expectations of others and offer options. Don’t complain about the complainer.
So — how do we age graciously and not become chronic complainers who others avoid? Here are some words of wisdom from older adults:
• Worrying is a waste of time
• Know what is really important to you
• People are more important than things
• Lower your expectations
• Be in the moment
• Let go of self-hate and self-doubt
• Don’t care about what others think
• Forgive and move on
• Learn to cope with adversity
• Develop a good sense of humor
Attitude is the most important thing. We have a choice every day of what attitude we will have — make it positive. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.
VOL. 115, NO. 34 – Aug. 20, 2025