Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My mother-in-law does something in grocery stores when we are out shopping that I find upsetting.

She will use the self-checkout and when buying produce, will punch in a code for a cheaper item. She thinks it’s a good way to save money. To me, it feels like stealing. When I told my husband about it, he shrugged and said she’s been doing it forever. I’m afraid she’s going to get in trouble one of these days. How can I get through to my mother-in-law that this is wrong and sooner or later is going to bite her in the ass?

—Unauthorized Discount

Dear Discount,

What you’re describing is technically theft, even if it’s minor or commonplace, so yeah, I get why you feel uneasy.

  1. My Boss Is a Wealthy Man. Some of His Working Habits Make Me Very Uncomfortable.

  2. Help! I’m Breaking an Annual Family Tradition. My Reason Why Is Bound to Stir Up Drama.

  3. My Siblings Are Feuding Over the Family Lake House. I’m About to Make Things Even Worse.

  4. Help! My Boyfriend’s Facial Hair Has a Particular “Look.” People Are Going to Get the Wrong Idea.

Sometimes when people have lived through financial hardship or felt squeezed by unfair systems, their sense of right and wrong can get recalibrated. They start seeing small acts of defiance, like gaming the self-checkout, as ways to reclaim a little fairness or even justice from a system that rarely gives them any. That doesn’t make it okay, but it might help explain why she and your husband don’t see it the way you do. I’m not trying to excuse her behavior — it’s totally shoplifting. But the point is that it’s clashing with your own moral compass, and she needs to know this bothers you.

When you talk to your mother-in-law about this, focus on your concern for her well-being, rather than your own moral judgment. You might say something like, “I know you’ve been doing this for a long time, but I’d hate for something small like this to turn into a big problem for you.” If you frame it as a risk instead of a lecture, that could make it easier for her to hear you without getting defensive. You could also point out that saving a few bucks might not be worth the stress or potential consequences.

If she brushes it off again, you might need to accept that you’ve said your piece and let it go unless it directly involves you. You could refuse to shop with her if she does this. If it makes you uncomfortable and she doesn’t seem to care, it’s time to draw a line.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

My husband and I have what one could call a “traditional” marriage: He works, and I tend the home. Since we’re child-free and I already finished college, I suppose you could call me a trophy wife, but firstly, I’m nonbinary, and secondly, that’s the rub. Whenever we meet new couples at social gatherings, the first question is always, “And what do you do?” On paper, not much!

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.