Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents have always had some issues with respecting boundaries that my wife “Mia” and I set for our two boys, ages 5 and 7, but last weekend they did something that has my wife ready to cut them off for good.

My parents were scheduled to take the kids on Saturday morning and have them back by dinnertime while Mia and I attended the bar mitzvah of a friend’s son.

When we got back in the late afternoon, we received a text with pics of my parents and our kids at a famous aquarium—one that is a several-hour drive or a plane-ride away from our home! Apparently my parents decided to surprise the boys and had the trip in the works since we asked them to watch them—without clearing it with my wife and me.

That morning after we left, they all headed to the airport.

Once we saw the pictures, Mia called them, incensed, and demanded they return with the kids immediately. My parents said they’d be back Sunday evening, and then pretended their battery was dying and ended the call. We didn’t hear from them again until they were ready to board the plane the next day.

Mia has been beyond furious and is adamant that my parents lose all access to the boys. While I realize my parents should have consulted us about going on the trip with the kids, I really think this is an overreaction. The kids had the time of their lives. Neither of them have any medical issues that would preclude a spur of the moment trip, and my parents are two caring, responsible adults. How can I convince my wife that going nuclear is not the answer?

—Furor Over Seeing the Fish

Dear Furor, 

I mean, first I wouldn’t accuse her of “going nuclear”? I get why she’s mad, and also why whatever faith she might have had in your parents has been shaken.

Let’s review the facts: Your parents took your children on a flight and an overnight trip without your knowledge or consent. And then, when they were told to bring the kids back that same day, they refused, made up a lie about their phone battery, and presumably didn’t contact or take any further calls from you, your children’s parents, until they were about to fly home the next day. To top it off, it sounds like they have not apologized and don’t believe they did anything wrong…which means they would probably feel justified in doing something like this again.

Some people would say there’s a word for taking someone else’s children from home without their parents’ knowledge or permission, and then refusing to bring them back when they were told to! Of course I’m not saying that your parents had malicious intentions, or that your kids were ever in danger. Nor am I saying they need to be cut off forever. But when you kind of dismiss your wife’s anger by saying that your children had fun—I mean, that’s nice, I guess, but the amount of fun had by anyone is not even remotely the point.

This incident has shown that you and your wife cannot trust your parents to 1) go through the (required and extremely basic!) process of informing you of what they plan to do with your minor children and getting your permission to do things like keep them overnight or bring them on a flight somewhere, or 2) listen and actually do what you ask where your children are concerned. I see how those things would be dealbreakers for some, especially if this wasn’t a one-time thing, but just the latest and wildest way your parents have shown their disrespect for you, your wife, and your authority as parents. And it sounds like this was part of a larger pattern—you said yourself that your parents have a history of not respecting the boundaries you and Mia put in place.

(I have just reread your letter and noted that your parents were planning this all along and chose not to read you in. It was not a fun, spontaneous decision they made without telling you, which still would have been weird; they made their plan, bought the tickets, reserved a hotel, and then chose to deceive you about it every moment leading up to the trip. ABSOLUTELY WILD BEHAVIOR. Like, did they both think this was normal? I’m actually kind of worried about them, if so.)

Maybe your wife is saying that she doesn’t want your parents to have access to your kids because she really doesn’t feel like she can currently trust them. If you and Mia tell them to do X or don’t do Y with the kids, Mia doesn’t know whether they’ll listen. Maybe she’s really pissed and just doesn’t want to see them for a good long while—honestly, that makes sense to me, too.

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Instead of telling your wife that she’s overreacting, or trying to talk her out of how she feels, listen to what she’s saying and try to understand where she’s coming from. Acknowledge that what your parents did was unacceptable, and that Mia has a right to be upset. After that, perhaps the two of you can eventually get to a point where you can discuss ways your parents might see the kids, under conditions you both can live with (e.g.: visits at your house with at least one parent present, after a break/cooldown period, if your parents promise that nothing like this will never happen again?). Mia might really need some time before she can consider this, or see your parents herself, so try to respect that. The point is that it shouldn’t be you against your wife, or you and your parents against your wife. It should be you and Mia acknowledging what your parents did wrong, acknowledging the other person’s feelings, and trying to problem-solve together.

Finally, I will add that, whether or not your parents see the kids any time soon, it seems super clear that they shouldn’t be left alone in charge of them again. If you can’t even trust them to do what you ask regarding your kids or run things like plane trips by you first, they can’t be your go-to caregivers.

—Nicole

More Parenting Advice From Slate

My daughter, an eighth-grader, is a doodler. She doodles while thinking, doodles while writing, doodles while doing homework. So when she turns in, say, her math, in addition to the various correct and incorrect answers, the sheet of paper often features medieval illuminations and little anime characters in the margins. I think it helps her think and stay focused on her work. One of her teachers, however, keeps writing YOUR HOMEWORK IS NOT A DOODLE PAD and threatening to take away points.

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