Sometimes money problems aren’t money problems — they’re marriage problems.

Sarah from Houston phoned The Ramsey Show because she said her mother-in-law is “holding us back financially.” Her husband’s mom has never been good with money, she added, recalling a period of homelessness after she refused to pay her rent [1].

Now that her mother-in-law is living with them, Sarah’s husband is considering giving his mom the $1,000 a month they currently spend on day care so she can watch their newborn daughter.

Anyone who’s been married can understand the bind Sarah is in. She wants to tell her husband she’s uncomfortable with his 60-year-old mother taking on the responsibility of child care.

“At one point, she was asking me for money and telling me not to tell my husband,” she said, adding she does not believe her mother-in-law is responsible with money.

But is the real issue that her mother-in-law is draining their finances — or that Sarah and her husband aren’t communicating?

Ramsey Show hosts George Kamel and Jade Warshaw asked how much the couple made annually. The answer: more than $300,000 a year. They also learned that the money for Grandma’s babysitting would come from Sarah’s husband’s separate bank account.

“This should be between you and your husband,” Kamel said. “And it should be between your husband and his mother. And right now, she’s trying to circumvent him to try to guilt you into it.”

The couple keeps individual accounts for their own financial priorities — a setup the hosts said is part of the problem. Their verdict: Sarah has a marriage problem that looks like a money problem.

The fix starts with presenting a united front, both in their marriage and in setting boundaries with family.

It’s hard to build financial momentum while running “his-and-hers” accounts and fighting over how much to help relatives in need.

“I think that’s where he’s finding validation to say, ‘No, it’s okay. I’m going to keep her here,’” Warshaw said.

“Because it’s separated, he’s going, ‘Well, this is a thousand bucks of my own money, what’s it to you?’ That’s probably in the back of his mind,” Kamel added. “It’s the resentment that’s breeding inside of you that should be the thing you’re paying attention to.”

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George and Jade recommended moving to a shared budget and shared goals. Two of Dave Ramsey’s money guardrails apply here: First, separate accounts hide problems, while joint planning exposes them. Second, you’re not responsible for funding an able-bodied parent’s lifestyle [2]. Love them, help them plan, but set limits and protect your household.

Read more: There’s still a 35% chance of a recession hitting the American economy this year — protect your retirement savings with these 10 essential money moves ASAP

Caregiving is neither rare nor cheap. AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimate that 63 million Americans now provide unpaid care for elderly parents — about one in four adults [3]. Many report higher stress, worse health and a hit to their savings.

AARP’s research also shows average out-of-pocket costs of about $7,200 per caregiver per year. The total value of unpaid care nationwide is estimated at $600 billion — more than total U.S. out-of-pocket health spending in 2021.

For Sarah, the situation feels even worse by the fact that she sees her mother-in-law as a spendthrift who could work but chooses not to. Still, she does have some options.

You can care — and still say no. Here’s how to stop enabling and start helping:

  • Put your household budget in writing and make all support requests fit into it.

  • Replace cash handouts with time-limited, specific help that builds skills, not dependency.

  • Set clear boundaries together as spouses, then deliver them kindly as a united front.

  • Do not cosign, do not take on their debt, and do not let them live in your accounts.

  • Offer alternatives. Help them make a budget, find benefits, or meet with a counselor.

Following these steps isn’t easy. Saying “no” to a parent or in-law can bring guilt and tension. But letting resentment build because a couple are not aligned on money is a recipe for disaster.

“Like you said, she’s grown. She’s able-bodied. The lights are on,” Warshaw said. “There’s no reason in your mind, and I trust that you’re telling us the truth, that she can’t go out and make some money and have an apartment.”

Your first financial responsibility is to your household. The solution to family money drama is to combine plans, get on the same page and set firm boundaries with extended family.

Caring for older relatives is common and costly, but support shouldn’t come at the expense of your marriage or your long-term solvency. Building unity at home, establishing limits with compassion and helping elders find sustainable solutions — without draining your resources — is the key to success.

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[1]. The Ramsey Show. “How Do I Tell My Husband His Mom Is Holding Us Back Financially?”

[2]. Ramsey Solutions. “Money and Marriage: 7 Tips for a Healthy Relationship”

[3]. AARP. “New Report Highlights Increasing Cost of Family Caregiving in the U.S.”

This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.