My fiancé wants me to cut back on working out. His reason might make me call off the whole wedding.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

I love exercise. I run every day, regularly work out, and go to spin classes. It’s the only way I’ve found to keep my mental health in check (I’ve struggled with severe PTSD symptoms from a childhood accident), and it’s great for my physical health. I like the way I look and how strong I feel. My fiancé also likes the way I look, but he wants me to spend less time at the gym.

He says it eats into our time together, which I would understand more if he didn’t spend hours of our time together glued to his gaming console, ignoring me! He says that’s not the same since we’re physically in a room together. We have regular date nights, and most of my gym time takes place while he’s at work (he works shifts, I work a 9-to-5) or early in the morning.

I’ve pointed out that he has actually complained the past two Christmas periods when I’ve put on weight. I don’t keep up my routine for the latter part of December and early January due to various family plans, and because I like taking the festive season to indulge. The last two years, he made comments about being less attracted to me when I got slightly heavier (he’s naturally skinny and stays that way). I told him that less exercise means I’ll gain more weight, which he doesn’t like, and I’ll be less happy, which I don’t like. His response: “Couldn’t you just eat less instead?” I asked how that would make me happier (I love eating and hate diets!), and he just responded by talking about his friend’s girlfriend. He then talked about how I couldn’t keep this up after we were married and had kids. I’ve always been on the fence about having children, though I’ve said I’m open to the possibility down the line (we’re both 24). I got angry then and said I wasn’t changing my life and health for a hypothetical situation years from now, and he finally admitted his concern is that I’m “keeping fit to be hot to other guys.”

This was the last straw for me, and I went to stay with my parents for the night. I came back the next day, and we haven’t discussed it again, aside from him making irritating remarks when I talk about gym class, and me pointing out that it would be nice to still fit into my wedding dress in six months. Our relationship is great in other ways—we make each other laugh and bond over our love of sci-fi, we like cooking for each other, etc. But this has made me so angry that it’s hard to think about almost anything else, and my best friend says it’s a huge red flag. Is this something we can resolve? Should I be panicking here? Please give me an outside view!

—Boyfriend Wants a Thin Girlfriend

Dear Boyfriend Wants a Thin Girlfriend,

Yes, you should panic. No, you can’t resolve this. It’s not just that you two are at an impasse over your gym schedule—it’s all the feelings behind your fiancé’s position. They are terrible! He is terrible!

He wants you to stop doing something that makes you feel good. He has straight-up told you he is going to stop being attracted to you when (yes, it’s probably a when, not an if) you gain weight. He’s comparing you to other women. He’s insulted you to your face. He’s hateful, he’s delusional, he’s a jackass, and he isn’t even smart enough to keep this all under wraps until you’re married. Please leave him to play video games and lust after his friend’s wife alone.

Please keep questions short (

Dear Prudence,

My wife and I are in our mid-60s and are fortunate to have a close-knit core friend group, most of whom we’ve known since high school. We are like family in so many ways, including the occasional lost soul whom we probably wouldn’t have chosen as a friend today, but continue to love, even with all her faults.

We’re now planning a group canoe trip, and said lost soul, “Jackie,” volunteered to design t-shirts for the occasion. She asked me for some ideas. I won’t say I’m always the most creative guy in the world, but in this case, I have to give myself credit. I came up with the perfect idea, which was not only funny and appropriate for the trip, but also touching in a very personal way to the group. I sent her the idea and didn’t give it much thought.

Fast forward a couple of months, and Jackie has just sent around a group message in our WhatsApp group with a mockup of exactly the idea I gave her, taking full credit for it. My wife was livid and felt I should tell everyone what she had done. (It hasn’t helped that everyone has been praising Jackie’s wonderful idea.) Although I was annoyed, I decided against saying anything, as it would do no one any good. My wife reluctantly agreed.

Now, however, Jackie is taking orders and shirt sizes, and planning all sorts of (mostly bad) ideas for group photos of everyone wearing the shirts. This is a bridge too far for me. I’m willing to avoid “outing” her for stealing my idea, but I won’t go so far as to actively participate in her deception. Which means everyone is going to start asking why my wife and I didn’t order the shirts. I really don’t want to make a big deal of this, but I also won’t lie. Suggestions on how to navigate this?

—Trying to Be Responsible

Dear Responsible,

This would have been easy to clarify right away with a message to the group chat that said: “The mockups look great, Jackie! Thank you for choosing my idea and making it look so good.” Even now, you could say something like, “I love the idea of all of us posing on the beach, but I’m not sure about the human pyramid. Anyway, I can’t wait to see the shirts. Thanks for making my idea a reality.” It’s totally possible that she didn’t intend to take credit, and she will say, “Yes, everyone, Jim came up with this! Please thank hi,m” and you can enjoy the canoe trip.

But this isn’t really about the t-shirts, is it? You have described Jackie as a “lost soul” who you wouldn’t choose as a friend. You say you “love” her, but I have my doubts. You’ve been on this earth for over 60 years, so I’m surprised you don’t already know that you should be very particular about who you travel with, and should never do trips with people whose company you don’t enjoy. A person who irritates you at home will make you irate out of town, when there’s so much more contact and coordination involved. It was a mistake to plan a vacation with her “and all her faults,” and now you’re seeing why. If it wasn’t the t-shirts, it would have been something else—that she didn’t help pitch tents, kept dropping her oar while canoeing, borrowed your mosquito repellent and used too much, or woke up late and delayed the day’s itinerary.

It sounds like the wheels are in motion for this trip, so get your credit for the t-shirt design and power through. But when it comes to your next vacation—and maybe even your everyday friendships—be more selective. You don’t want to be constantly annoyed while you’re supposed to be enjoying time with friends, and Jackie deserves friends who truly like her.

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

My wife’s mother has mobility issues, and we had her move in with us a few months ago. It’s not working out. My mother-in-law has tried to take over the entire household. She tells us that we can’t watch certain TV shows or movies because she finds them “upsetting.” I’m not talking about a TV that’s in a common area. She doesn’t want us watching anything she doesn’t approve of, even in private.

And then there’s the food. My MIL is vegan and has declared that our entire household will be as well. I don’t care what her dietary preferences are, but as far as I’m concerned, she has no right to tell me as an adult what I can or can’t put in my mouth. She opens our mail without permission. She demands that it be lights out at no later than 10 p.m. As you can imagine, there have been numerous blow-ups between us. My wife has asked me to accommodate her mother, saying, “She just has her quirks.” SHE is living with US rent-free, and I’m not going to be treated like a 7-year-old in MY OWN HOME. Should I give my wife an ultimatum that her mother go live elsewhere or I’m done, or should I just start apartment hunting?

—Living in a House No Longer My Own

Dear Living in a House,

When I do the Prudie Chat with Slate’s Lizzie O’Leary, she often suggests speaking to people the way modern parenting advice would suggest talking to a toddler. That could apply here.

You might try something like, “Wow, it sounds like you really wish you could choose what I watch on TV. But this is actually going to be my choice. Yeah, I know that’s hard to hear!” and then just move on. Or, “You really want lights out at 10 p.m. That’s not going to happen. I wonder what you could do to have a 10 p.m. bedtime in your own room?” Or, “I noticed you can’t stop opening the mail, so I’ve put a lock on the mailbox. When you think you can only open your own mail, maybe we’ll take the lock off and try again.”

Jenée Desmond-Harris
Help! There’s a Dark Reason Why I Moved to My New Town. No One Knows.
Read More

You can keep living your life as an adult, making your own choices, while keeping up a veneer of civility and not becoming the bad guy. If your wife decides that anyone who’s married to her has to let her mother dictate everything they do, she’s the one who should issue an ultimatum.

Classic Prudie

Over the holidays I got engaged. My boyfriend has clinical depression, and the holidays are rough on him. I was going to break up with him, but I held off, thinking it would be easier after the holidays. Then he surprised me—at his parents’ house in front of his whole family—with a ring. I didn’t see how to say no without humiliating him in front of his family, so I accepted. I’ve been trying to break it off ever since, but something always stops me…

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My fiancé wants me to cut back on working out. His reason might make me call off the whole wedding.

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