How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

My boyfriend wants to be pegged. I am usually pretty open to trying things, but for some reason, this is a hard no for me. The thought actively turns me off. My boyfriend is having a hard time accepting my hard no because so far I haven’t turned him down for anything else. How do I get it through his stubborn head that this is not going to happen?

—GGG Until Now

Dear Until Now,

The first time we say no to someone is often when we find out how they actually act when it comes to respecting the boundaries of others. This is one of those moments that tells you something important about who you’re dating. Are they able to hear you saying, “No” and accept that? Or are they going to push, wheedle, and whine until they break down your resolve? And, for the record, engaging in acts that are a hard no for you (for whatever reason) strikes me as going beyond good, giving, and game.

At the end of the day, whether he’s fixated on an actual fetish or simply self-absorbed, you may not be able to get through to your boyfriend that pegging isn’t on the table. From there, you’ll have to decide whether you want to leave the relationship. You do get to choose your path forward here. Go ahead and weigh what you get out of the relationship and how important it is to you. Consider whether your boyfriend’s stubbornness has caused difficulties in other areas, and whether there have been other instances—maybe outside of your sex lives—where he’s steamrolled your boundaries or even preferences. Once you’ve thought through the whole dynamic, a single ultimatum is worth a try. Something along the lines of, “I’ve said this is a hard limit for me on multiple occasions, and if you continue to pursue this, I will end our relationship” should suffice.

Please keep questions short (

Dear How to Do It, 

My wife, a 33-year-old woman, and I, a 36-year-old man, got married six months ago after a three-year dating period. It’s the best choice I’ve ever made in my life, and she’s the light of my life.

She was always a little concerned about her body image. Before the wedding, it got more intense as she went on a big kick to get herself thin for the “perfect” wedding dress. She looked amazing, and I did my best to support her in that process. After the wedding, during the honeymoon, and after, she stopped counting calories for the first time since I got to know her. As a result, she’s easily put on maybe 30 to 40 pounds, and I cannot tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this process.

Eating dinner and splitting desserts with her has made dinners more fun, getting drunk-ish with her a couple of times a month has been a shared joy, and she’s been more inclined to let loose. If I’m honest, she looks better for it. She still eats a healthy balance of foods, and she hasn’t stopped exercising, but she doesn’t do either of those things with the fanatic attention or self-starving ethos she once had (and maybe concerns me in retrospect). She’s still the woman I fell in love with and wanted to marry, but more carefree, less on-edge, and simply happier.

The problem is that she keeps mentioning the weight as stuff that “needs to go.” When I compliment her looks, she will describe this stage as “temporary” and even made the joke that I need to say “goodbye” to her breast growth. When I’ve tried to bring up her change in mood, it gets shut down by her getting concerned about the appearance of her thighs or other parts of her body. Every time I try to be positive about her body, she will immediately start nitpicking and almost spiraling. On one hand, I love this woman and will support her in just about any choice she makes about her appearance that isn’t harmful to her health, and know that her relationship to self-image isn’t one I can internalize but one I can empathize with and find pathways to be supportive of. On the other, I want to share my perspective that she’s the happiest, most relaxed, and sexiest version of her that I’ve known. Any ideas on how to approach this?

—Loving Her Any Way She Is

Dear Loving Her Any Way She Is,

In your letter, you describe giving your wife compliments on her body, and also bringing up these recent changes to her mood. She might be receiving the latter as criticism of her mood and behavior in those previous moments. If you haven’t tried this yet, you might lead with something closer to what you wrote in your second-to-last line—plainly and simply stating what you appreciate about her mood at this time, and avoiding comparisons to previous times. Stay entirely focused on her demeanor and the way you perceive her level of happiness. I want to caution you to remember that we can state our perspectives, but we can’t guarantee that the person we’re expressing ourselves to will hear, much less internalize, what we’re saying to them.

Your wife, like many others who are unhappy with their bodies, has responded to your physically-driven compliments with self-criticism, so I’d steer clear of those for a while. And framing positive feedback about her current state in terms of improvement over the past could be landing as negativity, crucially, about what she feels she has to do to have the body she prefers.

You’re absolutely correct that her body and her relationship to self-image are hers to sort through or change if she desires. Shoring up the self-esteem of our loved ones is often romanticized, but in reality, there’s little we can do to instill in them a sense of satisfaction around something they’re sensitive about. If you’re looking for ways to be supportive, get curious about why a certain weight or shape means so much to her. Ask her how important being happy is, what gives her feelings of happiness, what “relaxed” means to her, and how much she values that, too. From there, you might understand more about where she’s coming from or be able to support her happiness and relaxation in areas other than her relationship to her body.

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!

The columnists behind our new advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

  1. My Husband Refused to Throw Out His Old “Collectibles.” Now Our Son Is Paying the Price.

  2. Help! My Boyfriend Forgave Me for What I Did to Him. He Really Shouldn’t Have.

  3. We Asked a Bride If She’d Received Our Gift. Her Response Was Outrageous.


  4. This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only

    My Kids Made a Scary Mistake on a Trip. I’m Not Sure How to Handle the Fallout.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I belong to a social circle where we all get together for an orgy on the weekends. Recently, one woman, “Bailey,” asked if she could include her new boyfriend, “Ron.” After talking it over with everyone, we agreed so long as Ron gets screened for STIs first. Bailey was insulted and got angry that we didn’t think Ron was “clean.” I told her we are just being cautious and would ask this of any new person. This is a reasonable request, isn’t it?

—Prudent

Dear Prudent,

Asking a new partner to get screened for STIs is absolutely a reasonable request.

Since Ron and Bailey are, presumably, having sex, I’d circle back to Bailey and ask what was behind the reaction she had. Sure, it’s great to work with members of any group we’re a part of to understand moments where feelings were hurt and decide how to navigate them. Also, though, without knowing Ron’s status for various STIs, you don’t know what Becca is being exposed to and therefore may be bringing into the group.

Rich Juzwiak
My Husband Bit Me During Sex. Is My Revenge Plan Taking It Too Far?
Read More

If there was any use on the group’s end of language such as “clean,” that would be something to apologize for before you dig into further discussion. If there wasn’t, whoever Bailey is closest to in the group can simply reach out for a cozy, private chat and ask what happened.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I heard a story about my wife that has gotten hold of my fantasy brain and I can’t get it out. I don’t really understand why it’s stuck there. We work together for our small business and have colleagues in common. At a recent work lunch, these colleagues were regaling the table with a story about my wife at a client dinner they all went to at a conference. I wasn’t there. They talked about how she had a lot to drink and was so much fun and—here’s the sticky part for me…

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.