My sense of smell has taken a dramatic turn. It's making sex unbearable.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 45-year-old pansexual woman. I’m in the early stages of perimenopause and have noticed some changes to my body. Mostly, they’re not too concerning to me because perimenopause is normal, and most symptoms are easy to deal with. My vagina is a little dryer, so I use more lube and my armpits are more sweaty, so I use more antiperspirant. But there’s one symptom that’s really creating some issues for me. My sense of smell is off the charts.

If I’m in the car with someone who is talking, their breath is unbearable. I can smell stinky cheese in the fridge when the fridge is closed. Worst of all, the smell of bodies has become extremely off-putting. I’m not talking about bad body odor—just regular human smells. I recently started to get serious with a lovely genderqueer person, and we have great physical chemistry. But the smell of their skin, breath, and hair turns my stomach. If I focus on the sensations in my body, I can sometimes put the smells out of my mind. But other times, I just can’t, and I avoid any physical contact or even sitting too close to them.

I’ve tried showering with them before sex to see if that helps (it doesn’t) and using scented products on my own skin to see if I can drown out their smell (I can’t). I know it’s me, and they smell perfectly normal. I don’t know how to bring this up without making them feel bad or self-conscious. And I’m especially loath to mention something that the other person cannot help or change. Any ideas?

—Holding My Nose

Dear Holding My Nose,

What you’re going through has been reported by other people experiencing menopause (and perimenopause). Though hormonal changes can often result in an impaired sense of smell, anecdotal evidence shows that some people report a menopause-related heightened sense of smell.

But like many things that affect women, these changes are poorly understood, and thus, there are not a lot of great solutions. You might start by seeing your doctor about any perimenopause-induced changes—there are treatments for the vaginal dryness you mention, for example, that they might recommend. As for the odors, I did see that someone in a Reddit thread recommended this aromatherapy diffuser, which is a scented silicone ring that you wear like a septum piercing to mask whatever odors are making your life hell. There are other options, too. The hurdle here might be finding an essential oil that doesn’t also turn your stomach. That may be a challenge in its own right.

I do think that you can bring this up with your new partner in a way that won’t necessarily make them feel bad. You can explain that this is something that many menopausal women have reported. Rarely has “It’s not you, it’s me” been so apt and benign. It is literally the case. This is not about you being particularly sensitive about their smell; it is about being sensitive to many smells. (Citing the cheese-in-fridge example will be useful to show that. Think about whether there are other disturbing non-human smells that you can also point to.) Perhaps your partner can try to work with fragrance on themself to help mask their musk. Another possible solution? A nose clip that could effectively cut off all smells. Swimmers often use these (though you’d have to be pretty confident breathing through your mouth). Of course, wearing one without explanation would be extremely curious, so a conversation would be useful there.

Your heightened sense of smell is not your fault and it should not be taken personally by an inadvertent offender. Hopefully your partner is mature enough to understand this and attempt to work with you (or at least not hold it against you for working through it yourself). You don’t have to get super specific about being distracted during sex—just keep it general, say it’s something that is affecting all facets of your life, and frame it as an issue to overcome so that you can continue to spend time with this person that you are so fond of.

Please keep questions short (

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend ejaculates A LOT. We tried condoms early on in our relationship, but I’ve had to switch to the pill after he literally overflowed a condom on more than one occasion. He says this has been going on since he was 20 (he’s 25 now). One time, he jerked off into a disposable measuring cup, and the amount totaled just over a quarter cup. When we have sex, I have to make sure I get to the bathroom fast after we finish to avoid a mess when things begin to leak. Is it normal for him to produce so much?

—Jillions of Jizz

Dear Jillions of Jizz,

Well, it’s his normal! It sounds like he has hyperspermia, a medical condition that is generally considered benign. Typically, hyperspermia refers to semen volume that is above 6 milliliters or about 1.20 teaspoons (typical volume is 1.5 to 5 milliliters per ejaculation). It may lead to fertility issues, perhaps because of the lower sperm concentration within the high fluid content, and the cause (at least for some) may have to do with an inflamed prostate, but other than that, it’s not really a thing doctors fret over.

Many people enjoy it—big loads are prized by some. My X feed for a few months has regularly been showing me posts from people who have added zinc to their supplement stack and now are supposedly shooting mega loads (this is anecdotal at best and not going to work for everyone—I’m not convinced it’s even working for those engagement farmers). There are a number of supplements marketed to boost semen volume (for science, I’ve tried some and seen no change in my production). There’s a whole subreddit devoted to people capturing their giant loads on film (r/hyperspermia—NSFW obviously). And porn has done a lot to argue the inherent value in copious cum delivery.

Your boyfriend has what many wish they had. One study of semen volume found only 7.88 percent of 1,521 participants had what qualified as hyperspermia. So while your boyfriend’s condition may be rare, it’s far from unheard of. Try to find the joy in his gushes of love.

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Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I had our first child six months ago. I have been trying to get him back to sex, but 98 percent of the time, he turns me down, and I’m beginning to think he no longer finds me attractive. Whenever I bring this up, he assures me he finds me as sexy as ever; he’s just tired from adjusting to helping care for the baby while dealing with a lot of things at work. Given how little interest he’s shown, I’m starting to wonder if that means he’s been having an affair. Should I try going through his phone, or confront him directly?

—Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Dear Actions Speak Louder Than Words,

How about C, none of the above? While it’s certainly possible that your husband is not being truthful or even deceiving you, there are other potential explanations worth considering.

For starters, he could just be telling the truth. Parenthood can be tough for some to navigate, and it can take months or years before elements of both of your lives return to looking like they did previous to the child. The stress of new parenting will affect different people in different ways. It’s completely understandable that some men will experience a swift kick to the libido (stress is, after all, a notorious sex drive killer). It doesn’t mean your husband isn’t attracted to you or that he’s putting his sexual energy elsewhere—he just might not be able to muster it at all.

For some men, it also takes a while to bounce back after the baby is born. If your husband watched you give birth, he may be experiencing what Dr. Keith Ablow described in a New York Times essay some 20 years ago as a “post-traumatic stress disorder, with its roots in the witnessing of an event that involves a threat to the physical integrity of self or others and responding with intense fear, helplessness or horror.” In the piece Ablow describes having seen “dozens” of male patients presenting this kind of response after seeing their significant others give birth. Recognizing this is the first step—sensate focus (mindful touching) and general mindfulness may help ease affected men back toward having sex with their partners. (For more on this topic, check out this past HTDI column.)

Jessica Stoya
I Just Turned Down One of My Boyfriend’s Requests in Bed for the First Time. His Reaction Is Frustrating.
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It’s still early. I think you should give him a bit more time. If you’re feeling insecure, tell him that. Ask for reassurance that he’s still attracted to you and isn’t having an affair. Inquire about what he is willing to offer intimacy-wise. It could be holding, massaging, kissing, or cuddling. There is some compromise to strike between where you are right now and where he is. If you don’t see progress (or at least an acknowledgement on his part that your sex life has changed considerably and that he’s willing to explore getting back on track) within a few more months, though, consider counseling.

—Rich

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My sense of smell has taken a dramatic turn. It’s making sex unbearable.

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