As promised we’re revisiting this ranking of the 20 biggest summer signings having last judged just three games into the season.
“We’re all thoroughly looking forward to the prospect of Alexander Isak being the flop of all flops,” we wrote at the time, as the striker wasn’t included at that stage having not yet made an appearance for Liverpool. But joy of joys, he has now.
Nick Woltemade, Eberechi Eze, Xavi Simons and Alejandro Garnacho also make it this time, but the wait goes on for Yoane Wissa to make up the full 20.
We’ve included their previous position in brackets.
19) Alexander Isak [n/a]
All of his personal gripes with Newcastle and their ‘broken promises’ considered, along with the injustice surrounding the imbalance of power between clubs and players with regard to contracts, we can’t help but feel quite pleased he’s not gone to Liverpool and continued to bang goals in for fun, particularly given the consistently trotted-out reason for his struggles being his lack of fitness, which is entirely his own fault.
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18) Milos Kerkez (10)
He’s playing like someone who’s always trying to make up for mistakes he hasn’t made yet, but then duly does make because of that desperation to impress. He doesn’t know where to be or what to do so tries to be everywhere and do everything, and is therefore usually nowhere, doing nothing.
17) Anthony Elanga (11)
We all nodded in agreement with Dave Tickner’s sage assertion that while Elanga might not be worth £55m to any other team he is to Newcastle because of their excellence in transition on the counter-attack, but are now very much distancing ourselves from that fool of a journalist/man. No goals, just one assist and now spending most of his time watching Jacob Murphy from the bench.
16) Jamie Gittens (12)
Still feels nailed on to be the next talented forward Chelsea can’t be arsed to develop before flipping for profit, or at least for no great loss within the next two years. He’s started just two Premier League games as Alejandro Garnacho is now Enzo Maresca’s preferred choice on the left, but did impress in the 5-1 win over Ajax in the Champions League.
15) Florian Wirtz (14)
The German media claimed after another so-so performance from Wirtz in his national team’s victory over Northern Ireland that the poor lad ‘has forgotten his joy’, and that feels like a very accurate assessment of his Liverpool career to date.
It’s impossible to know how big a problem he is in a sea of problems for Arne Slot, but he was never a solution.
Wirtz was signed as a generational talent the Liverpool chiefs rightly or wrongly – it evidently looks more like the latter right now – believed they couldn’t miss out on, rather than a player they needed having walked to the title with a brilliant, fully-functioning midfield last season.
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14) Alejandro Garnacho (n/a)
The jury’s out and frankly we don’t expect them back in session for the rest of the season. He was good against Liverpool, then terrible against Nottingham Forest before being hooked at half-time, and got his first goal for Chelsea against Sunderland but did f*** all besides. A predictably frustrating season awaits.
13) Xavi Simons (n/a)
Thomas Frank cruelly compared the Netherlands international to Florian Wirtz when asked about his struggle to adapt to life in the Premier League, and Simons has indeed looked similarly short of whatever that thing is required to succeed in the English top flight, looking overawed by the pace and physicality of the football, which tends to be happening around rather than through him.
12) Viktor Gyokeres (8)
It’s a huge frustration for all non-Arsenal fans that although their striker not scoring goals remains a valid stick to beat them with, they now couldn’t give two sh*ts about it, as is the case with them only scoring goals from set-pieces.
If anything, Gyokeres drawing blanks and Declan Rice corners and free-kicks being their only weapon has become something many of them genuinely hope continues indefinitely, such is the balling of fists it engenders in their rivals. If they get to a point where they don’t bristle when the rest of us call out their manager for being an arrogant pr*ck they will be indestructible.
READ: Arteta, Gyokeres among eight reasons why Arsenal won’t win the Premier League title this season
11) Benjamin Sesko (13)
He did himself no favours by stepping up 10th in the penalty shootout defeat to Grimsby Town having put a stoppage-time chance over the bar from roughly four yards out to ensure the game went that far, but fair f***s to him for not crumbling after that inauspicious introduction to life as a Premier League footballer.
9) Tijjani Reijnders (6)
Who needs Kevin De Bruyne? Oh, we do. One excellent performance against Wolves has been followed by not a lot else from Reijnders, who’s shown glimpses of his quality, but nothing like what we expected after that opening-day clinic.
10) Noni Madueke (7)
Given we may never have been more invested in an Arsenal player doing well we briefly wondered whether the #NOTOMADUEKE petition was actually signed by a bunch of genius Gunners seeking support from the masses for one of their big summer signings.
We gave our heads a wobble and reverted to our previous opinion of them as a bunch of unthinkable tw*ts lacking any sort of human decency, which will allow us to continue to enjoy Madueke’s performances after he returns from injury.
8) Matheus Cunha (5)
Feels harsh to bump down this list after a significant uptick in his impact on games against Liverpool and then Brighton, but if we’re to tar all Manchester United forwards with the brush Roy Keane has used to claim Mason Mount is underserving of a place in Ruben Amorim’s team then Cunha really needs to improve on his output after one (wonderful) goal and no assists in nine appearances for the Red Devils.
7) Hugo Ekitike (5)
Ekitike said what all players must when asked about competition for places on the back of Alexander Isak’s deadline-day arrival from Newcastle, insisting he’s looking forward to the challenge rather than frankly a bit f***ed off that he could do nothing to avoid his inevitable ousting from the starting XI in favour of his rival for the No.9 position.
He will still be wondering just how terrible Isak will have to be when he returns from injury to not be included ahead of him, because apparently six goals and an assist in 700 minutes of football wasn’t worthy of that place ahead of him in the pecking order.
6) Joao Pedro (1)
He got two goals and three assists in his opening four Premier League games to provide genuine hope that Chelsea may have found a fully-formed striker to lead their attack, and although that hope has faded as he’s not got a sausage since, that’s more down to a realisation that he’s far more accomplished as a second striker.
Whether that’s something Maresca can accommodate when Liam Delap and Cole Palmer return from injury remains to be seen, but Chelsea look a far better team when the Brazilian’s playing in that slightly more withdrawn role than as the furthest man forward.
5) Eberechi Eze (n/a)
Martin Odegaard’s injury has seen Eze revert to his typical No.10 position and lo and behold, when playing in the role he’s made his name in, he’s thriving.
His first Arsenal goal, the winner against his former club, was really special and he joins a growing list of Gunners players making it very difficult to hate them as a whole.
4) Bryan Mbeumo (9)
Manchester United have needed more Brunos and Mbeumo is chief among them. He’s now got five goals and an assist, and looks to have bucked a very long trend in being a high-quality footballer who arrives at Old Trafford and continues being that very same high-quality footballer.
3) Martin Zubimendi (4)
We would count Zubimendi in that same list of admirable, good guys in the Arsenal ranks with Eze and as suckers for low stress, technically brilliant defensive midfielders we suspect we will be swooning over the Spaniard for a long time yet.
As Arteta pointed out recently, while so many others struggle to come to terms with the pace and power of the Premier League, his transition has been seamless. Just a hugely impressive footballer.
2) Nick Woltemade (n/a)
We will forever have a soft spot for footballers who don’t look as though they should be good at football. Combine that with him being the cause of great mirth for naysayers in the summer having joined for a fee way above his market value as Newcastle’s fourth or fifth-choice striker and him having to replace £125m defector Isak and we’ve got a veritable jambalaya of joy at seeing Big Nick hit the ground running at St James’ Park.
1) Mohammed Kudus (3)
Suspicions that those questioning Kudus’ price tag after a very ordinary output of five goals and three assists last season were missing the obvious ‘but he was playing for West Ham’ caveat have been confirmed through his displays for Spurs.
He looks a threat every time he gets on the ball, aiming to beat his man whenever possible rather than recycling the ball as far too many wingers are prone to see as priority one these days. He’s undoubtedly the player Spurs fans are paying to watch in what are otherwise stolid performances producing very good results.