How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a 28-year-old woman in a relationship with a 31-year-old man. We’ve been together for a year. Our sex life is really positive, but we definitely have a sex drive mismatch, which involves him wanting more and kinkier sex. This isn’t a bad thing; I don’t feel pressured in any way, and we have healthy and open communication about it. I’m also up for most of his kinks. However, he has expressed a strong desire for something new.

He wants to be pegged. He has done it in the past, and would ideally have it be a recurring event in our sex life. I feel bad saying this, but the idea is a major turn-off for me, and I know if we did explore that, I would think less of him. Am I being mean? Is there a way to explore this and try to be positive about it? I just don’t know how to approach this situation.

—Wanting to Be Everything

Dear Wanting to Be Everything,

You wrote that you know you would think less of him. If you’re certain, or even fairly certain, that you will lose a significant amount of attraction or respect for your partner if you proceed with a particular sex act, the situation is more high-risk for the relationship than a turn-off or a lack of interest would be. “Mean” here would look like using language of shame and judgment when talking to him about it: ”Ew, gross, I’ll never see you as a man again.” Another inappropriate action would be making a unilateral decision to follow through on something you really don’t want and that has the power to destroy the connection between the two of you. Give your partner the opportunity to consider, for himself, whether his desire to be pegged by you is more important than the potential damage to what you have together.

Before you open that conversation, do your best to understand which facets of your regard for your partner would likely decrease, and why. Where are those fears coming from? Have you been in similar situations previously? Are there maybe areas where you’re making assumptions about yourself, your partner, or the act of pegging itself? Are you holding on to some harmful beliefs about what makes someone “man enough”? Are there parts of what you imagine pegging to be like that are the issue, and which might not be required for your partner’s enjoyment? Lastly, do some real soul-searching around whether the fact that he wants to be pegged at all is already giving you significant ick—if so, there’s no need to put yourself or him through the process of negotiation and giving it a try.

Rich Juzwiak
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Presuming there’s no current ick, and you have particular details you’re put off by, consider whether any of them might be something you can mitigate. For instance, if you’re concerned about encountering feces (while there’s no way to achieve a completely sanitized rectum and no total guarantee of a poop-free pegging), your partner probably has some experience with cleaning himself out in preparation. If you’re assuming there needs to be a dynamic of submission on his part or of humiliation, ask whether those are part of his preferences. Whatever the turn-offs are, get more information.

In the event that the two of you can’t reach a likely tolerable compromise, or pegging as a whole puts you off, do let your partner know clearly and succinctly that there’s a possibility that this ends the relationship. If you can name what you’re afraid you’ll lose in terms of how you see him, in a kind way, go ahead and state that. Otherwise, stick to the statement that pegging is very much not for you and is a hard limit.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I’m a cis, straight middle-aged woman dating a cis, straight man about 25 years older than I am. We were friends for a long time but moved into more of a sexual relationship about a year ago when we found ourselves single at the same time. He’s intelligent and educated, and best of all, he makes me laugh. There’s no money differential; we’re both blessed with good white-collar jobs. Due to long-standing health issues, he’s unable to get or maintain an erection, but I feel like he’s great in bed and I tell him so all the time! However, he’s planning surgery for a penile implant soon…

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