Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I hooked up with an ex-boyfriend after five years, and we started to get to it until we realized neither he nor I had condoms. After he left, I was kind of stumped, as his dick seemed much smaller than it had when we were dating. He had lost about 30 pounds and everything I could find said most penises seem larger because of the loss of fat at the base of the pubis, not the opposite. And it didn’t just seem shorter, but less thick. Does aging do anything to shrink it, or was it just a psychological trick, me remembering it as bigger? Since we never did anything more, I could never judge if it might have felt the same, and the opportunity has never arisen to try to get together again. Since then, he met someone else, so I probably won’t have the opportunity to ever find out either. Do you know if this is possible, or am I cray-cray?

—Missing Inches

Dear Missing,

Shrinkage is, indeed, a thing—and it can be way longer lasting than the situational kind described on Seinfeld. Usually the change isn’t too drastic, but it may be observable to the eagle-eyed connoisseur. There are a few known causes for this, which include Peyronie’s disease, weight gain, and prostate surgery. Another culprit: erectile dysfunction. In these cases, “the thought is that the shrinkage occurs due to the loss of spontaneous and nocturnal erections,” explained Dr. Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College. “This more frequent nourishing blood keeps the penis healthy. The every-so-often erections guys get for intercourse (on average most people have sex once a week) wouldn’t be enough to support good penile health and would lead to the shrinkage. The length maintenance is more about the erections and semi-elections (chubs if you will) that happen when not having sex.” Welliver actually discussed this topic in more detail, including ways of treating such shrinkage, on an upcoming episode of the How to Do It podcast on the specific topic of “COVID dick.” So be on the lookout for that one.

So, it’s possible that your ex has lost some girth. It’s also possible that you’re misremembering. I’ve done that—every once in a while I’ll catch a FWB on the long lap and I’ll be slapped in the face with the realization that my memory was extremely generous with the inches. Again, it could be that your ex experienced one of the aforementioned conditions in the intervening time, but it could also be the rose-colored funhouse mirror of nostalgia coming from inside of you.

—Rich Juzwiak

From: I’m Afraid My Boyfriend Is Showing Me Who He Really Is While He’s Asleep. (Dec. 26, 2021).

Please keep questions short (

Dear How to Do It,

My partner of nearly two years gave me gonorrhea through oral sex. Once I had tested positive I got him to test and it was found in his throat. He told me he had suffered on and off with sore throats for some time. We have had plenty of oral sex previously and I’ve always been ok. Is it possible he cheated or could this have been lying dormant for well over a year?

—Am I With a Cheater?

Dear Am I With a Cheater, 

Once again I am roped into a game that I would generally not elect to play, but am compelled to as a result of this job: Spot the Cheater. I wouldn’t be comfortable even taking a stab here without some hard data, so I come bearing it: Researchers in a 2021 study published in the Clinical Infectious Diseases journal found by analyzing 21 pharyngeal gonorrhea infections, that the estimated median duration of untreated infections was 16.3 weeks. Quite short of the “well over a year” that you’re inquiring about. Many infections cleared spontaneously in much shorter time periods, or so suggest the numbers.

Keep in mind that data on this are scant, primarily because of the ethical barriers in monitoring untreated infections. This study overcame those hurdles by having the men who participated (who all had sex with men) swab themselves on a weekly basis, and then those results were frozen and not tested until the participants had completed the 48-week study. They were told to be screened for STDs as usual, and many were treated with antibiotics over the course of the experiment, as the study notes.

For another layer of certainty—the condom unrolled over our proverbial PrEP bottle if you will—I consulted with some experts. Dr. Lindley Barbee, the lead author on that study, as well as a professor at the University of Washington and the medical director of public health at the Seattle and King County Sexual Health Clinic, pointed out in an email that, “pharyngeal GC usually doesn’t produce many symptoms, so if you equate dormancy with symptom status, it is pretty much a ‘dormant infection’ by definition. Definitely will only be found if tested.” Barbee also emphasized that her study should be taken for what it is—a series of observations. “There could certainly be longer infections, but that has not been observed,” she wrote. Finally, Barbee reminds us to keep in mind that gonorrhea may be spread via kissing. If extracurricular make-out sessions are allowed in your arrangement, that could potentially be one pathway.

I also spoke with Dr. H. Hunter Handsfield, professor emeritus, University of Washington, and a nationally recognized STD expert. “Two years is an awfully long time,” he told me by phone. “I would be skeptical if someone said they had pharyngeal gonorrhea for two years, and only now transmitted it to his or her partner.” OK, to cover our bases, let’s be conservative, I said. How about one year? “One year is also unlikely,” he said.

Handsfield also pointed out that the majority of pharyngeal cases of gonorrhea present no symptoms. “Most people have no clue anything is wrong. My guess is this has nothing to do with [the partner’s] sore throats,” said Handsfield. (Though, sore throats can certainly be symptoms of oral gonorrhea.)

So, there you have it. It’s not looking good for your partner’s veracity. Only he knows what he’s been up to, but at least now you have your own information to check his against.

—R.J.

From: Every Time a Girlfriend Learns My Secret From My College Years … Things Get Awkward (Aug. 17, 2022). 

Dear How to Do it,

My husband and I have been married for 28 years. We have always had a good sex life and companionship. We went through a bit of a hard time when we had stage three cancer, but we got through and now he always says if we can get through that we can get through anything. We have always had kids in our lives, as I brought a child from a previous relationship with me and had one of our own shortly after.

Recently, I found instant messages from another woman. Needless to say, I was stunned and hurt. My husband says it was just “chatting” and nothing happened nor did he want anything to happen. I was just recently diagnosed with endometriosis and the timing of this couldn’t be worse. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, that my disease (despite the fact I stood by him when he had his) was getting in the way. He said that wasn’t the case, and it was just a “mistake” and since it upset me so much he would stop and not do it again.

But since that happened, I feel a “disconnect” with him. I still enjoy being with him, but can’t look or feel the same way about him. I know he didn’t physically cheat on me, but it still feels like a betrayal. He’s hot and cold—I never know what he’s thinking now. It just seems like we can’t get on the same page since this happened. What do I do? I really don’t want a divorce or open marriage.

—Chatty Husband

Allison Price
My Husband Refused to Throw Out His Old “Collectibles.” Now Our Son Is Paying the Price.
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Dear Chatty,

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He did betray you, and I hope that he adequately apologized—his vowing to stop the behavior is a good sign, but your letter describes him as downplaying his transgression. Hopefully, he acknowledges the pain he’s caused you. But even then, you still won’t be out of the woods. Time is often necessary to rebuild trust—it is one thing for a (roughly) unfaithful partner to apologize, it is another thing to atone. That means living the apology. I suspect this is too new for the trust to have been rebuilt (and certainly his hot and cold attitude is no help in that matter). If you want to see this through, trusting him may look like a suspension of disbelief for a while. You have to go out on a limb and actively engage in the process of trusting him as you once did—provided that he warrants such mental heavy lifting. Reminding yourself of the fact that you trust him and why you’re with him at all may be useful. The disconnect is not great. I suspect he’s dealing with a good amount of shame and perhaps cannot quite embrace the full extent of his offense. He should, though, and you might want to look into counseling. An impartial third party could help you both see the other person’s perspective and get you that much closer to being on the same page again.

—R.J.

From: Crashing the Night With My Cousin Turned Into Something … More. (Sept. 14, 2022).

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