Thrilling news: it’s time to decide what health-care plan you’ll be opting in to for the coming year. Given the feedback we’ve received about how limited and expensive health care has become in this country, we’ve made some updates to our available offerings. Please choose from the following options.
The Basic Plan
This is our most popular plan. It covers things like breathing (allowed, no co-pay), sleeping (hint: you must pretend to sleep in order to fall asleep), and eating (you pay for your own food). No other coverage is provided. This is an ideal choice if you are immune to all diseases, and are also immortal.
The Catastrophic Plan
If the San Andreas Fault opens up, we’ll send Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson to help. Not to help you, specifically—he’ll just generally lend a hand in California. Maybe he’ll leap from one building onto another building. Very cool stuff.
The Become-a-Doctor Plan
This plan costs sixty grand a year and includes a residency at a local hospital, where you’ll learn everything you need to know in order to eventually become the primary-care physician to yourself, and everyone you know.
The ChatGPT Plan
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. In fact, if you want more information about this plan, you should ask ChatGPT. Pro tip: type “please” before your prompts and the large language model turned doctor might give you a better diagnosis.
The “Looney Tunes” Plan
If a piano falls on your head, or you run off a cliff, because you thought that a painting was a road, you will be tended to by a cartoon rabbit in scrubs.
The Plan Within a Plan
You have to sign up for this plan to read what the actual plan is.
The “Master and Commander” Plan
You begin your plan aboard a frigate. You have been wounded, but you are the only doctor on the ship. You need to perform surgery—on yourself. “I do this with my own hand,” you say, holding a mirror up to yourself as you operate. You sew yourself up. You’ll finally be allowed to explore the Galápagos Islands. It’s what you’ve always dreamed of. You’re billed in full.
The “Ocean’s Eleven” Plan
A bit simpler than the previous film-based plan. If anything happens to you—anything at all—you’ll have to pay for it by pulling off a heist with a ragtag group of thieves.
The Lottery Plan
This plan is just a state-lottery ticket. Good luck!
The WebMD Plan
This plan assumes the worst-case scenario. You’ll be pre-pre-billed (something we just made up) for your entire out-of-pocket max.
The Identity-Theft Plan
Simply steal someone’s identity and use their health insurance. Fingers crossed it’s not the WebMD plan.
The Really Good Health-Care Plan
This one’s only available to the people who write and pass laws about health care. It’s really, really good. Bummer you can’t have it.
The Trolley-Problem Plan
You can either get yourself health care while keeping five others from obtaining coverage, or give up your own coverage so that we won’t run over those five people with a trolley. Does that make sense? You have ten seconds to decide.
The Prayer Plan