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Dear Care and Feeding, 

My brother and his wife live nearby, and our kids get along well. We definitely have different parenting styles, but we talk through them. We’re comfortable with this, and we often host each other’s children for the day. There’s one major difference: Our kids (ages 3 and 5) are sleep trained, but my brother and sister-in-law never sleep trained their 5-year-old son, “Pete.” They’ve mentioned having to get up with him several times a night. Pete seems fine otherwise, and since it was their choice, I left it alone.

But now that’s changing. They’ve asked us to take Pete for a while when his baby brother is born, and we haven’t really said “yes” because we’re trying to figure out how to handle it. My SIL is in her third trimester and found out that the birth will be complicated. Their baby will, at minimum, spend time in the NICU. It’s scary, and we’re all hoping everything goes well.

It feels cruel to tell them to sleep train a 5-year-old in the last months of a difficult pregnancy, or else we can’t babysit him. But it also won’t get easier once the baby is born. If it were only two or three nights, we’d manage, but we’re probably going to be caring for Pete for longer stretches in that first month, unless the birth goes miraculously well. My husband’s work shifts mean sleep is precious in our household. I’m usually the nighttime parent, and I cannot be getting up multiple times every night, outside of emergencies and regular parenting stuff.
All this will already be a series of hard transitions for Pete. How do we approach the conversation with my brother and SIL?

—(Not) Up All Night

Dear Not Up, 

As tricky as this is, your brother and his wife are in an emergency medical situation they neither asked for nor planned for. This is a time when you need to step up. You don’t have to turn your own life totally upside down, but you should be prepared to make some adjustments or concessions. By asking questions and setting expectations now, you can help make the transition smoother for everyone. So, go ahead and say yes, but ask for a chat about the specifics of what caring for Pete might actually look like. For example:

  • Are they willing to let you set boundaries around Pete’s nighttime waking? Are they open to using tools like an OK-to-Wake clock, or placing a nightly limit on how many times he can get out of bed?

  • If any of those boundaries lead to sleep training Pete—whether inadvertently or intentionally on your part—are they OK with that?

  • If the waking is due to bedwetting, what kinds of interventions (mattress pads, special pajamas, wetness sensors) have they tried, or would they be open to you exploring?

  • How long do they anticipate this arrangement lasting? What happens if they need to extend it? And what happens if they need more time, but you can’t accommodate it?

  • If the nighttime waking becomes too much and you need help, are they willing to contribute financially to a solution, like hiring a nighttime nanny or flying in a grandma to give you a respite? (I truly hope this isn’t necessary for a 5-year-old, but covering all bases here.)

Let’s also acknowledge that Pete might do great in a new environment, simply because you aren’t his parents and his routine will be different. He also might regress. Either way, knowing ahead of time what kind of freedom you’ll have to manage any challenges will allow you to be nimble in the moment. Good luck!

Please keep questions short (

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My mother has bipolar disorder and has spent the past decade and a half in and out of treatment facilities. My parents divorced when I was 8 because my dad simply couldn’t deal with her erratic behavior anymore. (Some of her episodes involved chaining herself to a traffic light and threatening to jump off the roof of our house.) He was awarded sole custody of my sister and me. My mother was unable to hold a job and couldn’t pay child support. Her (supervised) visits eventually stopped, even before she was admitted for inpatient treatment. My sister was less than 2 years old when our mom dropped out of our lives.

Now, our mother has contacted us out of the blue, saying she wants a relationship. I am convinced she’s looking for a place to crash, someone to support her, or both. I have refused contact—I have two kids under 5 and no desire to put them in physical or emotional danger. My sister, however, is very excited over the prospect. She was too young to remember how unstable and terrifying our mom’s presence was, and I’m extremely concerned she’ll get hurt if she lets our mom back into her life. How can I get my sister to face reality?

—Take Off the Rose-Colored Glasses

Dear Glasses, 

This is a situation where you might need to get out of your sister’s way, while still helping her stay as safe as possible. As you said, she doesn’t have any memories from when things with your mom were really bad, and there is a big difference between hearing about it and experiencing it firsthand. Even at your most persuasive, I wonder whether your accounts of the past would be enough to convince her to walk away now; it’s very possible that your sister has been fantasizing about this kind of reunion for years. And though you may be right about your mother’s motives, it’s also conceivable that you are wrong—so I’m not sure forbidding your sister from finding out for herself is in anyone’s best interest.

All that aside, it is absolutely appropriate for you to set your own boundaries and be skeptical about your mother’s motives. Focus on equipping your sister with the knowledge she needs, so she doesn’t go into the meeting with rose-colored glasses. Discuss your concerns, identify warning signs to look out for, and make a plan for the boundaries your sister will maintain. For example, maybe she promises not to give your mother money. If your mom asks for any, then you and your sister can discuss it together.

Mental illnesses like bipolar disorder can be devastating for a family, but it is possible to learn how to manage and mitigate their impacts. I think there is a way to protect yourself and your sister while remaining open to the possibility that your mom has made progress. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My wife “Anling” has a fear of germs that borders on irrational. She keeps our 3-year-old son “Joseph” meticulously clean and won’t allow him to do normal kid things like roll around in the grass or play in the sand at the park. (My parents even bought him a kiddie sandbox, but Anling made me give it back to them.) She vacuums the entire house every single day and insists on changing Joseph’s clothes and bathing him every time they return from running errands. I don’t go along with any of this when I’m caring for our son on my own, but if Anling sees even a smudge of dirt on him, I get blasted.

Last week, we took a trip to a seaside town. The birds there (pigeons and seagulls) are very habituated to people, so I gave Joseph some popcorn to feed the pigeons while we waited for Anling to come back from the restroom. The pigeons ate right out of Joseph’s hands, and he was delighted.

The fun ended when my wife returned. She came running over, shouting and waving her arms to scare the birds away, then took hand sanitizer from her purse and slathered it all over Joseph’s hands and arms while he cried. Anling then caused a scene, berating me and calling me a “moron,” and said it would be my fault if our son got bird flu. She made us leave for home that day.

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Anling has always been a “clean freak,” but things really went into overdrive after Joseph was born—and my patience with her hypochondria has run dry. Beyond depriving our son of normal childhood experiences and making him anxious, I’m concerned she is setting him up for allergies and a weakened immune system, since he’s never exposed to anything. I’m ready to give Anling an ultimatum: Either she eases up, or we go our separate ways. Is that the right approach?

—Dad of the Boy in the Bubble

Dear Dad, 

I am not going to attempt any kind of diagnosis here (and I’m unclear on whether your wife has already been diagnosed with hypochondria, or whether that’s hyperbole from you), but according to the National Institute of Health, mental illnesses are considered serious when they “substantially [interfere] with or [limit] one or more major life activities.” It sounds like you feel this is where your family is at right now, which is a valid reason to ask your wife to seek help.

If she is resistant, show her a list of characteristics for “illness anxiety disorder” (also known as hypochondria) and use that as a conversation tool. The goal isn’t to prove that she is “broken,” but to gently demonstrate how her behaviors are impacting you and your son.
If she acknowledges there’s a problem, the next step isn’t her “easing up” as you put it, but seeking individual and family therapy to learn some new coping skills.

—Allison

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I have a 14-year-old stepson whom I first met when he was a toddler. He spent weekends with his father and me until he was 7, when he moved in with us because his mom moved out of state and we were awarded physical custody. When we got married several years ago, I asked him what he wanted to call me, and he said “Mom.” He is smart, bright, funny, and generous, and he has a heart of gold. He deserves to have present, loving parents as much as every single kid out there does. And yet, I do not love him.

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