How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I used to attend sex parties all the time. Ever since she got pregnant, that came to a halt. Our son is now nearly a year old, and I’m really eager to return to the scene.
However, she says that because we have a kid now, that chapter of our lives needs to remain closed. It’s not like we would be hosting parties at our place, and the fact that we have a kid seems neither here nor there in terms of going back to what we were doing. How can I ease her hang-ups?
—Ready to Party On
Dear Ready to Party On,
Regardless of the fact that you’ll likely creep into coercion territory, convincing a person to have sex they aren’t comfortable with is a recipe for destroying your relationship. You don’t ease your wife’s hang-ups. You respect her current boundaries. Where you’re saying your son is nearly a year old, I’m seeing a woman who is not even a year out from giving birth for the first time. Your wife’s position might change again if you can exercise patience. If you push the subject, though, you’re likely to create distance, resentment, and a rigid and eternal “no” on this practice.
It feels telling that you omit any mention of what your wife’s reasons are for her decision. OK, yes, because the two of you have a child, but is this about fear of STIs? Does the fact of motherhood mean a change in the boundaries of what she considers acceptable conduct? Has something about the physical and hormonal process of pregnancy changed her relationship to her body or her desires? Is it that time with your infant, or protecting precious sleep, is a higher priority, and sex parties interfere with that? It doesn’t seem like you have this information, and it does seem like you’ve assumed one (probably not the actual case) reason and immediately dismissed it. If you do want to understand your wife’s reasoning, ask her with genuine curiosity. Those answers are likely to help you come to terms with this particular manifestation of the fact that your lives are profoundly different now, because they need to be.
Rich Juzwiak
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It also might help to understand what you’re missing about these parties. What are the emotional needs that were being met? Excitement? Novelty? Attention? Can you come up with potential ways to satisfy those desires while staying within your wife’s boundaries? This can be a second conversation. If you’re able to really hear your wife, and she’s able to feel that you’re hearing her, there will probably be at least some room for compromise and negotiation. This has to be collaborative, though, and you’ll be wise to proceed cautiously, gently, and with grace extended regarding how she may be reacting to the massive life experience she’s just been through.
—Jessica
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