Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

When I was 14, my parents kicked me out because I was doing drugs and getting rides with random dudes. My uncle found me a couple of days later, having driven around town constantly looking for me the moment he heard about what had happened. He was a total wild man, but he put a roof over my head when nobody else would, gave me unconditional love, and helped me find my way. He helped me get into college, and he paid for it.

When he died, he left a void in my life. He also left me the house I grew up in, a large amount of money, and a successful business. Suddenly, my parents and my brothers, whom I’ve not spoken to in nearly two decades, are “reaching out.” It’s heartbreaking because I’ve always wanted my family back, but I am not stupid enough to believe that they have any interest in me. Is there a pathway for reconciliation here? Or am I just kidding myself? Am I a fool for wanting these people in my life? Or to even believe that could happen on my terms?

—Misspent Youth

Dear Misspent Youth,

  1. My Kids Don’t Have Cousins. And Now I Have Some Terrible News for Them.

  2. I Walked In On My Colleague Doing Something Vulgar to a Piece of Art. I Could End Him, but I’m Not So Sure I Should.

You are not a fool at all for missing your family and wanting them in your life. It also doesn’t make you “stupid” to believe that they would miss you, too. Many families struggle with what to do when loved ones are doing drugs and juggle two options: getting them support or giving them so-called “tough love.” It seems your parents might have thought the latter was the right thing to do. We can guess at their flawed rationale, but this doesn’t negate your feelings. They abandoned you when you were a child, and it will feel like abandonment, no matter what their intent might have been. But if you truly want to reconcile, and if you feel emotionally ready, you can always have an initial conversation. That second caveat is crucial for you think about here. You’re already in a vulnerable place with the death of your uncle. You might want to consult a therapist on your own to discuss if you’re truly ready to handle seeing them again.

If you do decide to see them, I would first think of a neutral place you can meet where you feel comfortable. Is there a coffee shop or a park you go to often? Maybe you all can grab a smoothie and walk around your neighborhood if the weather’s nice. I find that it’s easier for me to have tough conversations on walks because I can look elsewhere when I need to. A good family therapist could help you all confront these old feelings together and start a fresh, new relationship on better terms. But know you can always put space between yourself and them again if you need to. None of this is binding, and you’re allowed to change your mind and follow what feels right.

—Arionne

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