Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-husband and I are nine months into a mainly amicable divorce, and we have 5-year-old twins. His mother, who was toxic, narcissistic, and emotionally abusive to her children, just passed away. She was awful to my ex and his brothers, making it clear she preferred her daughters. We always had a complicated, challenging relationship with her (she routinely told me how disappointed she was in me for having boys and for refusing to give her more granddaughters).
My ex always struggled with boundaries and his feelings about their relationship (he would only spend the most limited time around my family because “it reminded him what his family should have been.”) After the divorce was initiated, I took great pleasure in blocking his mother’s number from my phone after she left me a rambling voicemail calling me a spiteful slut and saying she hoped her son took my children from me.
Our children had a very limited relationship with her and maybe saw her two or three times a year, usually for an hour or two at most, mainly to limit the chance of her saying or doing something cruel. Now, I’m not sure how to handle telling them and supporting my ex at the same time. I already pay for him to attend therapy, but I’m not sure what else I can do other than say I’m sorry.
How do we tell the boys that the grandma they barely knew is gone? This is the first major death in the family since they were born, so it’s a whole new experience for everyone….and most of us aren’t sorry she’s gone.
—Ding Dong the Witch, etc.
Dear Ding Dong,
Your mother-in-law sounded extremely complicated and deeply human. But I’d definitely find a way to extinguish your resentment towards her because, well, she’s dead. Although the reverberations of her pretty monstrous insults toward you may last a lifetime, just remember again she’s dead. She is D-E-A-D. Don’t let her ghost darken your doorway or your heart. I would maybe do some therapy around it just to have an outlet grave-stomp in private, but those sessions may help you find some peace with it.
As for your boys—nah. Don’t expose them to anything traumatic like the “death talk” just yet, especially about a person they barely interacted with and who has caused you and your husband so much pain. When they get a little older and ask you about her—“What was dad’s mom like?”—then you can decide how honest you want to be with them. And when you’re ready, you can tell them the story about grandma in the kindest way possible. But for now, simply take care of yourself. There will never be an apology from your ex-mother-in-law so it’s no longer her job to heal your pain. That’s all on you.
—A.J.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I have a 2-and-a-half-year-old son with a common food allergy. Our family and friends are well aware, and he is happily learning practices that keep him safe, like wearing a medical bracelet, declaring his allergy, and remembering to bring his backpack with his medication with us when we leave the house. He does not yet attend school or daycare and spends all his time with trusted adult family members, so I’ve focused more on teaching him to be ready for when a reaction happens and letting adults manage prevention. What has become a challenge is keeping him safe around his grandmother.
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