Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband’s best friend and his wife divorced 10 months ago. We have been friends with him, his ex-wife, and their 17-year-old daughter for 21 years—we even bought a summer house in their town last year, before the surprise divorce proceedings began. Recently, we spent the night at this friend’s summer house, as did his ex-wife and daughter, to celebrate the daughter’s high school graduation.

Everyone went to bed around 1 a.m. The problem occurred at 6 a.m. when I woke up and was surprised to see my 15-year-old daughter also awake. She had a look of terror on her face. She shared that she woke up at 3 a.m. because she had to go to the bathroom but was unable to leave her room because our host and his ex-wife were having bombastic sex in the room next door. She was terrified, listening to a very loud female performance. After they finished, my husband’s friend came out of the bedroom visibly tired and in his underwear, which my daughter saw from her room.

In her words, she is traumatized from this incident and does not want to see the ex-wife for sure, and maybe not my husband’s best friend either. Her descriptions of what she witnessed were very detailed and upsetting. She is not into romance yet and can’t even watch movies involving adults kissing. This experience has turned into one she cannot forget. We are being supportive of our daughter and limiting our contact with the friend and his ex-wife for now. My question is, should one of us tell them why we are keeping our distance? Or should we just stay away for now and hope next summer will be better? We are afraid of losing their friendship over this if we say something to either of them. But we are also afraid of losing our daughter’s trust by not sticking up for her and respecting her boundaries. This has also opened up issues for us as parents about how we feel about exposing our kids to a couple who are divorced and surprisingly not living life as divorced people should when children are around.

—What to Do with Divorced Friends Behaving Badly

Dear What to Do,

First off, you need to check your disapproval at the door. There are no absolute rules for how divorced couples “should” behave. Your friends are allowed to have all the sex they want, divorced or not. So long as the arrangement works for them, it’s none of your business. It’s upsetting that you would let their decisions as consenting adults impugn your opinion of their characters. Your friends had a lapse in judgment regarding volume; nothing more.

If you truly are such good friends, it should be no big deal to drop them a line. “Hey, sorry we’ve been AWOL, but there’s an awkward situation. [Daughter] heard you guys having sex and is freaked out by it, so we’re just trying to give her some space to process. Sorry if that’s embarrassing, but we figured it was better than ghosting you.” Because honesty among good friends is much better than pulling a disappearing act. Plus, delivering this kind of message can pretty much guarantee that the incident won’t repeat in the future, if you ever share a house again.

As for your daughter, I don’t know what kind of vocabulary or behaviors she heard, so it’s hard for me to understand this incident as terrifying/traumatizing. Still, that’s not for me to decide; she’s clearly upset and needs help processing. If that’s not something she can do on her own or by talking it out with you, there’s nothing wrong with finding her a counselor or therapist to help her talk through this one-off incident.

—Allison Price

From: My Mother-In-Law Can’t Help but Keep Accidentally Poisoning My Son. (Aug. 7th, 2023).

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 16-year-old daughter has started going to Quaker meetings. We’re atheists and have raised our kids to be atheists, and I feel (I know this is unfair) personally rejected by this. Obviously I can’t stop her from going, but can I express my disappointment in a way that owns that I know this is probably an overreaction?

—I Guess They All Need to Rebel Somehow

Dear IGTANtRS,

Hahahahahahahahaha. QUAKER MEETING: THE REBELLION.

Seriously though, you’re partway to where you need to get already. You’ve raised a kid who wants to explore something new about the world, and it happens to be “sitting in silence in a roomful of other people who may or may not stand up and say something that’s on their minds.” You also know you’re overreacting.

Go to a meeting with her. I don’t know what you think they’re doing in there, but it will likely put your mind at ease. Also, before you attempt to have a weird and embarrassing conversation with her about how this is disappointing to you as a parent, definitely talk to your partner and ideally a therapist. This is advice I would give to a religious parent freaking out that her 16-year-old doesn’t want to go to church anymore, and it’s advice I’ll give to you: Let it go. She’s trying to make sense of the world, and she’s old enough to do it. Don’t push her away; pull yourself in. Ask her about what she gets from going to Quaker meetings. (She may be drawn to pacifism, to community, to any number of things that aren’t this will really piss off my parents.)

This is an opportunity to get closer to your daughter in the final few years she will be living at home. Don’t mess it up because you had plans to raise a cradle-to-grave atheist that may not shake out. She’s trying something out; give her that space.

—Nicole Cliffe

From: We’re Atheists, but Our Teen Started Going to Quaker Meetings. Can I Tell Her I’m Hurt?. (Sept. 6th, 2019).

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve read a number of advice columns on school birthday celebrations that recommend bringing, say, cupcakes for the whole class. However, I feel that we as a culture are now more aware of the significant number of kids living with celiac disease (a serious autoimmune disorder in which consuming gluten may cause illness and damage to the small intestine) as well as those with life-threatening food allergies, and that the time for shared food is past. Even if the shopper in question takes the time to find a treat that is “free” of the major allergens, there may be a child excluded for other dietary reasons.

Can you help me help all of us into rethinking celebratory events so that they aren’t solely about foods? For example, how about allowing the kids to watch a funny YouTube video as a special treat as opposed to simply serving something “yummy” that may not work for everyone? What else?

—Thinking Outside the (Snack) Box

A.J. Daulerio
My Kid Is Now Banned From All Family Functions Until Further Notice. He Doesn’t Deserve This!
Read More

Dear TOSB,

While I do expect that some of our commenters will take issue with the premise that edible treats should be eliminated from school birthdays and other kiddie celebrations, I think you are onto something that we should consider for a number of reasons.

Not only do the class cupcakes pose a danger to the 1 in 100 children said to be living with celiac disease, they could also upset kids who are suffering from eating disorders and/or may be experiencing harassment from peers regarding their size (i.e., “I know you’re happy to get some chocolate, not that you need it,” “Hey Tia, maybe you should eat two since you’re so skinny.”). Anxiety around food is a fucked up, deeply personal experience that many children are silently suffering from, and it’s not something we take into consideration often enough.

One may consider working with their child’s teacher to establish just how long is typically allocated for birthday celebrations and if there is a non-edible “treat” that can be shared with the class. For smaller kids, this could be a round of sing-along songs, reading a special book aloud, or playing a fun game like Seven Up. Older children may be more keen on the YouTube idea. There are also small, inexpensive items that you can purchase and distribute in lieu of cupcakes or other foods—think the pencils and knickknacks that are often put in the goody bags that kids get at the close of a birthday party.

Parents who do choose to bring in food should plan on something that works for everyone, whether that means opting for a fruit tray over cupcakes or bringing a gluten-free cupcake for the one child who requires one.

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Birthdays are inherently tricky because even at schools where most of the children come from privileged households, it isn’t often the case that every child will have at least one parent or loved one who can miss work in the middle of the day to come facilitate classroom merriment. Furthermore, there are kids for whom the in-class celebration is the only one that their parents can offer them, and the cupcake moment may be more significant than you have considered.

Unfortunately, not every parent has the time, money, or capacity to think about all that when their kid’s birthday comes up, and even those who do are quite capable of presenting a gluten-free, nut-free, vegan chocolate cupcake to a gluten-free, nut-free, vegan kid who simply hates chocolate. The world is wildly unfair and school celebrations are just but one of the occasions in which our children will come to experience that unfairness. Perhaps you’ve sparked the possibility of real change by asking this question out loud—I hope that you have! In the meantime, continue to educate parents and teachers around you about the difficulties and dangers associated with celiac disease and other conditions that make food dangerous for kids, and columnists like myself will (hopefully) do our best to be supportive.

—Jamilah Lemieux

From: Can’t We Stop Making Kids’ Birthday Parties About Treats and Snacks? (Jan. 15th, 2020).

More Parenting Advice From Slate

I’m struggling with what boundaries/requirements to set for my 18-year-old daughter. She graduated high school last year and went off to a four-year college in August. My spouse and I were happy to pay her expenses without her taking out a loan, except that she had to get a work study job as part of her financial aid. I loved college and had a lot of adventures and hoped the same for her. We were uninterested in policing her behavior and just asked that she pass her classes. It turned out that she seldom went to class and, of course, was set to fail all of them when she dropped out and moved home.

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