On a scale of Kalamazoo to the Bronx Zoo, where does The Daily Show’s Jordan Klepper fit? This is NYQ, a series in which we find out how “New York” notable New Yorkers really are.
How many years have you lived in New York? I’ve lived in New York City 16 years.
You could make one subway etiquette rule law — what would it be? Warn tourists. When there is an empty car, you don’t go into the poop car, or the vomit car, or the tragedy car. We should feel obliged to tell them, “It is not your place. Move along.”
How often do you take public transportation to the airport? New York has not figured out a good public transportation to the airport, okay? It’s Uber all the way.
Someone bumps into you on the subway — what do you do? I’m probably going to apologize, even if it’s not my fault. But that’s the Midwesterner in me.
Your cab driver is taking you on a horrible route. Do you interrupt? I passive-aggressively ask if they know where they’re going, and then if they act at all confident, I let them do their thing.
Someone tries to hand you a flyer on the street — what do you do? I look for my phone, act like I’m busy, and walk right ahead.
Someone tries to get you to film a TikTok on the street — what do you do? I walk right past, and then I think about it for about a day and a half, like, Oh, maybe I should be expanding my brain.
It’s a blinking red light and you’re about to cross — do you wait it out till it says “walk,” or are you crossing? I am running right across as fast as I can.
You’re in town for a long holiday weekend and know the city will empty out — where do you go? I’m hitting all the parks. I’m doing Prospect Park, then I’m going into Central Park. I’ll hit a museum, maybe walk around the MoMA. I’m trying to get into Sailor in Fort Greene.
Someone you want to impress asks for restaurant advice — what neighborhood do you send them to for the best bagel? South Park Slope.
Someone says the rats are actually cute — what’s your honest response? Rats are not cute, but we live with them. If not our friends, they’re our allies.
Have you ever actually been to Staten Island? The first time I came to New York, I was a Wu-Tang fan, and I was here for one day, and I spent half of it going to the Wu Wear store on Staten Island. My friends who I was with did not appreciate that choice.
Do you call Manhattan “the city” or just Manhattan? I call it “the city.”
What’s something a tourist does that you secretly still do? I still get bad pizza. All New York pizza, I ingest.
What’s the most you’ve ever paid for a coffee in New York City? Nine bucks.
Do you own a car? I do own a car.
Do you admit that out loud? You know what? It allows me to go upstate.
Bed bugs or roaches? Roaches.
Roaches or rats? Roaches.
Have you ever gotten a piece of furniture off the street? No, and that is a firm rule in our household. Do not touch it.
Do you touch the subway poles? I have no problem with subway poles. In fact, my kid sometimes licks the subway poles, and I’m like, You know what? This is going to make you healthier. Not on purpose — I don’t push my kid to lick the subway poles, to be very clear.
Where do you go to cry? You could cry anywhere in New York. I just take a walk.
What’s your go-to public bathroom? The Ace Hotel on 32nd Street. You go into the basement. It’s beautiful.
Best New York celebrity sighting? One of my first ones: I saw Conan O’Brien walking down the street, and he was huge. Rarely do I see people taller than me.
You know you’re a New Yorker when … When you start complaining about the things that used to be there.
What’s a place that closed that you wish you could bring back? Lavender Lake in Gowanus.
Sexiest New Yorker? Justin Theroux.
Last time you ate a hot dog from a hot-dog stand? A month and a half ago, right outside the museum.
How much do you pay when you go to the Met? Sometimes I pay the $30, but more often than not, I pay the $5.
What percent did you tip your last Uber driver? My last Uber driver?
Last thing you used your famous-person status to get in New York? It doesn’t get you much. Knicks tickets.
Have you ever cried over a New York sports team? No, I haven’t. I’m sorry — we’ve had so much success, and I’m a Midwesterner. I spent all my tears on my Midwest team.