My mother wants to dictate who can be in our home when she visits. This is too rude.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister “Charlotte” is getting married soon, and the wedding is in the city where I live. Our parents want to stay with Aiden and me—and my mom has a shocking stipulation about where Aiden should sleep.

My mother insists that Aiden can stay with friends or at a motel! The reason? They want to visit with their dogs, and Aiden is severely allergic to dogs and cats.

Even if I were willing to entertain this idea (which I am not), the entire house would have to be cleaned after the dogs left, and even then there would be no guarantee that Aiden’s allergies wouldn’t be triggered. It’s not a risk I’m willing to expose him to. My mother has never been fond of my husband “Aiden,” but this request is beyond.

When I explained to my parents that they needed to make other arrangements, they threatened not to come to Charlotte’s wedding at all. Now my sister has joined my parents in insisting that Aiden stay elsewhere (she and her fiance have even offered to let him stay at their place), adding that her wedding will be ruined if our parents aren’t there and it will be my fault. This is all so upsetting that I’m considering not attending the wedding. What should I do?

—Not a Hotel

Dear Not a Hotel,

Of course your parents should be at your sister’s wedding. But it is up to them—not you!—to figure out what to do with their dogs.

As someone with a sensitive dog who can’t really be boarded, I sympathize with the hassle (to a point). There are plenty of good pet sitters out there—your parents can search for reputable local pet sitting businesses, ask their friends for recommendations, or try Rover.com. Pet-friendly hotels and Airbnbs also exist. And if your sister and her fiance were willing to let your husband stay at their place, they should also be willing to host your parents, if need be.

Your family should be able to understand that you don’t want to see your husband displaced from his home, only to return and possibly have a serious allergic reaction to lingering pet dander. I think you’ve already done about all you can to explain this to them. Let them know that as far as you’re concerned, the conversation is over; if they try to pull you back into it, don’t engage. Your parents’ dogs are not your responsibility.

As for whether to attend your sister’s wedding, only you can make that call. If you don’t go, it could lead to a larger and more lasting rift in the family, which they might also blame you for. But they’re already blaming you for the current drama—and you mentioned that your mother has never liked your husband—so maybe those are consequences you can live with.

—Nicole

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My mother wants to dictate who can be in our home when she visits. This is too rude.

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