Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife “Bridget” and I have an almost-2-year-old son, “Caiden.” We took Caiden to the mall today for a photo with Santa and Caiden got freaked out and had a meltdown. Bridget was pissed and now says we have to try again as she is determined to get a photo of our son smiling with Santa for her parents. Our son is scared of strangers in general and I really don’t think this is a good idea right now. I’m concerned that if she tried to force him, he’s going to develop a fear of what should be a character that he would otherwise enjoy when he gets a bit older. What can I do to convince my wife that it would be smarter to get the pic of Caiden and Santa next year?
—Santa Shy
Dear Santa Shy,
Alright, first off—let’s forget about your son’s potential Santa phobia and spend more time focusing on why you’re so afraid of your wife. Because, honestly, I don’t think “Hey, let’s not subject Caiden (or the overworked mall Santa) to another traumatic incident this year!” should be that difficult of a request. Let me ask you—are your in-laws psychotic Santa freaks, too? Are they going to cut off Caiden’s trust fund if he can’t keep his shit together while sitting on that strange man’s lap?
Whatever version of this is true, your instinct is correct to tell Bridget that you have a few more years to get this photo right and that it’s borderline abusive if she keeps trotting him out there when he’s clearly not ready. If Bridget laughs you off dismissively, there is only one thing left to do: Fill her entire underwear drawer with coal.
No, no, no don’t do that, obviously. Just gently remind her that you love her and you simply want to give Caiden one less thing to cry about during the happiest time of the year. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a divorced dad of three, a boy (12) and two girls (11, 8). I had a psychiatric emergency around the time of the divorce (I’m fine now). But as a result, my ex-wife has full custody, and I get the kids for four hours every weekend at my home. My question is about the anxiety I feel around the time with the kids, which is centered on the idea that I have to maximize every second to be a good dad given these circumstances.
Sometimes we watch cartoons, sometimes we play board games, we talk about random stuff and what’s going on at school. But other times I have a football game on and they play by themselves. None of them care about watching sports, but sometimes they hang around and watch a little, though usually they get into their own thing.
I also don’t feel I have the imagination to be 100 percent or even 50 percent in when they play imaginatively, especially the youngest, who makes up fun stuff all the time that I barely know how to participate in. I often don’t have the energy to play running-around type games.
All of this would be fine I think if it was part of more full-time parenting. I’m fairly sure they get plenty of non-direct parenting when they are home with their mom, and they are comfortable on their own. But she gets days and nights with them and car trips and mall trips and family vacations, etc. Because I only get these four hours I feel like I am supposed to be an all-out Dad for every minute of it, for them and for me.
How do I balance being an active dad for them with being myself, even if it means just letting them play by themselves some of the time?
—Appointment Dad
Dear Appointment Dad,
Your psychiatric emergency sounds scary and intense, so you still being here in your kids’ lives, in better health, is already a win, if not a minor miracle. I understand the anxiety and insecurity, but there is no way to ever be in “all-out” dad mode for four hours with three kids, so relieve yourself of that pressure.
It helps that your children are old enough to keep themselves occupied, so you shouldn’t feel pressure to turn your dining area into a VR room or your bathroom into a mini-water park to give all of you a shared fun activity that will make your kids love you more than their future stepfather. Don’t catastrophize this! I’m sure that thousands of “World’s Best Dad” coffee mugs have been gifted to fathers much lousier than you.
There will always be days when the energy isn’t as high, or the love isn’t as free, as you’d like it to be in those four hours, but that doesn’t mean you’re disappointing them. But–this is crucial–try not to obsess over having the perfect moment or being the perfect dad for that moment, and go easy on yourself and them. They’re glad you’re still in their lives, and I’m sure your ex-wife is, too. So when they’re in your care, read the room: The best way to show love and provide safety could be to let everyone feel like they can decompress however they need to, and that includes you.
—A.J.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I am so sad. My youngest daughter, E (29), is very much estranged from me but requires me to see her a few times during the year. This causes me much distress, but I want to remain present when she wants me to be there. The issue I am having is that she always throws me an offhand comment that has double meanings during these times. Her words hurt me very much. Up until yesterday, I have mostly not acknowledged them. But she stated, “I basically raised myself from 13 on.” I have recently realized that I had made some bad and uncharacteristic decisions from her thirteenth year up to about six months ago. I have had some great revelations in therapy and feel very grounded and future-focused. She’s in therapy too, and I know I am the reason for that. But she does not want to forgive me.
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