The Valley

Liked and Loaded

Season 3

Episode 13

Editor’s Rating

3 stars

***

The official ruling on whether Danny is guilty of the treasonous crime of liking a social media post about Jason.
Photo: Bravo

Here ye, here ye! The Social Media Court of Justice is now in session. I am your presiding judge, Dame Brian Moylan. At issue today is whether or not liking social media posts is an angerable offence on a reality television program. Evidence has been brought forth by Janet Caperna claiming that Danny Booko liked a social media post about her husband, Jason Caperna (who is absent due to injury), that states, ahem, “Jason, you have some brown left on the corner of your lips from licking Jax’s asshole, you fucking cuck.”

Ms. Caperna claims Danny liked a social media post that espoused that her husband likes to watch her have sex with other men. It is my ruling that this is false. While a “cuck,” short for “cuckhold,” does often signify someone with a kink for watching their partner have intercourse with other parties outside of their marriage, the usage in this instance seems to be a more colloquial application that is like calling a person a weak man or a beta. Just as the original poster does not literally mean that Jason had feces on his face from literally inserting his tongue into Jax Taylor’s fetid posterior, they did not mean that Jason is an actual cuckold. Espousing such is a willful misrepresentation of the original post to inflict maximum damage.

Also at issue is a post that Mr. Booko liked about Brittany Cartwright that stated, “Brittany was definitely behind Danny and Nia’s attacks this season. She’s been in Janet and Jax’s ears.” Mr. Booko claims in an affidavit that he believed that statement to be true, that both Mr. Taylor and Jesse Lally told him that Ms. Cartwright was plotting against him. I declare the evidence in this case entirely false due to Mr. Taylor’s well-documented past as a compulsive liar and otherwise unreliable witness.

What is at issue here is liking social media posts in general and whether or not that is the basis for an argument. Kristen Doute testified before this court, saying, “He liked social media posts. Who cares?” The court, for perhaps the first time in its existence, has to agree with Ms. Doute. These posts exist regardless of whether or not they are endorsed by anyone on the reality television program that they are about. One of the great joys that fans derive from watching these programs is talking endless shit about them on their social media platform of choice. (Though this does not happen in the sanctimonious cocoon of BlueSky, it does happen on all other platforms.) Liking or not liking these posts will not mean that they do not exist. Also, for every post saying Ms. Cartwright was behind the attacks on Mr. Booko and his wife, Nia Sanchez, there is another post saying that Ms. Cartwright had no idea of the attacks. Just like one can find any sort of pornographic scenario they can imagine online, one can also find any sort of opinion about a reality television program.

No, liking a social media post should not matter. Retweeting, reposting, or otherwise signal-boosting a post would be considered an offense that a person on the cast could be angry about, but liking a post, something which is difficult to see for most users, is not something worth getting upset about, particularly because it means that the offended person had to really go digging to find that little heart emoji in the first place. However, bringing that opinion and showing it off to your own followers who might not have seen it otherwise is offensive behavior and should be reprimanded.

While liking social media posts is not worth getting angry over, it is still an endorsement by the user. The offended party can use it as internal evidence for their coworker’s opinion on a certain matter, but this information is for background purposes only and not for public broadcasting. The court also finds Mr. Booko’s assertion that he didn’t know that liking things could possibly cause offense quite laughable. “I don’t know what I’m doing. This is my first rodeo, guys,” he testified. The court recognizes that this is (checks notes) in fact Mr. Booko’s third season as a practitioner of the reality television arts and sciences. While this career does not come with an official handbook, it does come with some common sense, and Mr. Booko should have been aware that endorsing certain unsavory comments about his coworkers would have implications in the workplace.

It is this court’s opinion that liking any social media posts commenting on the program these people are engaged in making is ill-advised. I’ll refer everyone to an amicus brief submitted by Lauren Burningham, the honorable woman from Utah also known as Lala Kent, in which she states, “You would not catch me dead being like, ‘Like, like” because the next post is going to be them talking shit on you. And would you like it if I liked it? No. Because it’s rude.” She is entirely correct.

The ruling on this motion is hereby declared, but it is but one smaller issue in the interminably ongoing matter of Booko and Sanchez V. Caperna. While the court is more than ready for this matter to be settled out of court, otherwise adjudicated, and stricken from its docket for the rest of eternity, the concerned parties can not be trusted to communicate in good faith, which means that, no matter how disgusted it is, the court must rule on several other submatters in the dispute:

  • While it is acceptable for Mr. Booko to drink at group workplace functions, it is not acceptable for him to lie about it. Considering the issue that much of the coworkers have with Mr. Booko stems from hiding his drinking, if he continues to engage in this behavior, then it should be called out in every instance, and even he must admit that it looks suspicious.
  • The court would like to comment on certain members of the party, particularly Ms. Burningham (a.k.a. Ms. Kent) and Michelle Saniei-Dre, for trying to find some sort of resolution to this matter by making the concerned parties try to see each other’s sides and realize that there has been bad behavior perpetrated by each. Ms. Doute and her partner, Luke Broderick, a glove that fit and therefore could not acquit, showing blind loyalty to the Booko-Sanchez’s, is not helping achieve the resolution that everyone is hankering for.
  • Mr. Zackary Wickham is often wrong in the tone he uses to address the court, but he is trying to seek a resolution by getting everyone in the group to discuss these matters and take them seriously. Mr. Wickham is advised, in future endeavors, to bring these matters up when alcohol has not muddied the proceedings, to keep his voice at an acceptable level, and to cut back on the amount of glitter he is displaying on his body at any point.
  • Ms. Burningham is correct, Mr. Booko’s body is, in fact, tea.
  • One Tom Schwartz would be wise if he were to acquire an opinion about anything in this lifetime and stick to it. When matters become uncomfortable, he should try to soothe the tempers around him and facilitate resolution rather than trying to distract his coworkers with shots of an interminable form of alcohol poured out of an unmarked plastic jug.
  • Ms. Caperna seems to have been adequately punished for her crimes and has taken accountability for her part in defaming Mr. Booko. Her assertions that Ms. Sanchez wants her to admit that she invented the whole scenario concerning Mr. Booko and Jasmine Goode do seem accurate. What Ms. Sanchez and Mr. Booko may not realize is that the sooner they can normalize relations between the Capernas and the rest of the group, the more quickly everyone will forget that this situation ever occurred. (See: The Streisand Doctrine) By continuing to claim that Ms. Caperna has not changed at all, they only draw out awareness of the matter that has been before the court for far too many episodes.
  • That does not mean, however, that Ms. Caperna is entirely innocent or has changed her ways. When lashing out at Mr. Lally in a most base manner, stating, “You’re such a dumb prick. That’s why you’re half a million in debt. Loser,” is not helping her cause before the court.

These rulings should enter the formal proceedings of Booko and Sanchez V. Caperna, but the court would like to remind all concerned parties that it is in the best interests not only for themselves but also the ongoing concern of this reality television program, which they are all invested in, to make this matter go away with significant haste. We are all tired of these same arguments and would like to move on to new cases sometime this millennium.

This court is now adjourned. [BANG!]

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Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.

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