![](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/4f9f5d84ada8e9e919c11a65030c21ffc1-neurodivergent.rvertical.w330.jpg\")
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Going Through It<\/a><\/p>\n \n Advice on work, dating, friendships and mental health from women who have failed spectacularly (and also succeeded) at all four.\n <\/p>\n \n Illustration: Lia Kantrowitz\n <\/p>\n Dear Allison and Amy Rose,<\/p>\n I\u2019m a reasonably well-adjusted 30-something who knows herself pretty well. But because of some of my personality traits \u2014 for instance, I have a talent for retaining pop-culture trivia and minutiae about acquaintances (though never their names!) \u2014 my friends often feel the urge to tell me I\u2019m neurodivergent. Most of them are neurodivergent themselves, and based on their own experiences and what they\u2019ve seen on TikTok, they love to speculate that I have autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, OCD, or some other condition.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never sought out or received a diagnosis along the lines of what they\u2019re mentioning. I\u2019ve never felt I wanted or needed one. If there were anything to diagnose, I\u2019d still believe I\u2019m high functioning enough not to need intervention and I have coping mechanisms to help me thrive.<\/p>\n I know my friends mean well, but I have qualms about armchair-diagnosing people and making generalizations about these conditions. Do you have any advice on how to curb this commentary, especially when my friends are probably just seeking connection and understanding? Any conversation I play out in my head sounds snobby and patronizing.<\/p>\n Sincerely, Hello, Not That!<\/p>\n The issue here feels clear: You\u2019re on the spectrum. Which one? All of them. I\u2019m kidding, of course \u2014\u00a0I don\u2019t know you at all. Even if I were your lifelong best friend, it wouldn\u2019t be my business to diagnose you based on your personality traits, as if it were as breezy as determining your star sign. (I\u2019d reserve the right to tell you if I was worried about something going on in your life, but that doesn\u2019t seem to be what\u2019s happening here.) I\u2019ll take you at your word that retaining trivia isn\u2019t thwarting your ability to function day-to-day and that you don\u2019t believe clinical support would benefit you right now.<\/p>\n You have a very contemporary problem. At 21, I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication for it. This was such an immediate boon to nearly every aspect of my life that I couldn\u2019t even be mad that I\u2019d already mostly finished college. Despite the daily revelations my treatment provided \u2014 finally, I wasn\u2019t knocking over all four cups of coffee I\u2019d forgotten I\u2019d made each morning \u2014 I didn\u2019t tell anyone about my diagnosis for years. In 2010, the stigma around attention disorders was profound. There was an assumption among many people that, if you received an ADHD diagnosis, it wasn\u2019t because you actually had ADHD. It was because you were a shortcut-seeking liar under the influence of Big Pharma, which had gotten you hooked on cheating pills. In my day, we did our drugs straight from the hose!<\/p>\n All the conditions you mention above came with their own respective suspicions and misreadings. Some of those biases were bolstered by ignorance about how women and people of color show signs of neurocognitive difference<\/a>. This \u2014 along with broader medical discrimination and other barriers to care \u2014 still frequently leads to missed<\/a>, delayed<\/a>, or incorrect<\/a> diagnoses among these groups of people. (Misdiagnoses tend to confuse one mental-health or cognitive condition for another.) Mary H.K. Choi has written elegantly for The Cut about finally coming to understand she had autism spectrum disorder<\/a>, which she was diagnosed with at age 43.<\/p>\n When accurate information and assessment have been historically hard to come by, it can now feel as though every other post you see \u2014 or conversation you have \u2014 is about sometimes-conflicting or overbroad signs that you definitely have this, that, or the other condition. (And, unfortunately, when access to relevant, useful clinical support is prohibitively expensive or otherwise out of reach, many people lean on some cursed combination of TikTok and unreliable AI chatbots to better understand their brains. USA!)<\/p>\n When getting an answer that works for you takes a lot of effort and then dramatically clarifies your life, you might want to talk about it nonstop. As you acknowledge, your friends are likely riding that high. That still doesn\u2019t give them the right to foist generalizations onto you about your health.<\/p>\n So: How to put an end to irritating conjecture that your extensive knowledge of, say, Survivor is a hidden indicator of OCD? I\u2019d try to keep in mind that these people likely mean well. Maybe getting medicated has meant their room is semi-clean for the first time in history, or they can run errands without their house keys evaporating. They have known miracles. They want this for you too! What do you mean you\u2019re fine, given the work they had to put in to get here?<\/p>\n Look, I\u2019d also be annoyed if \u201ctouch of the \u2019tism\u201d TikTok were a regular feature of my offline conversations, but you\u2019re right to laugh off your friends\u2019 commentary if you can. It\u2019s not worth wading into the quagmires awaiting you otherwise:\u00a0conversations that assume and\/or stigmatize a given condition\u2019s symptoms and signs; declamations about the societal perils of self-diagnosing online, especially when it\u2019s possible someone in your cohort has done exactly that; and any number of other headaches.<\/p>\n Instead, redirect the conversation by saying something like, Oh, I\u2019ve seen that kind of thing online too. I get where you\u2019d notice an overlap here, but I don\u2019t relate to it. If you think your friend is looking for an opening to discuss their own situation, maybe add, But how is your diagnosis feeling now that you\u2019re [XYZ amount of time] into it? Just keep it pushing. The novelty behind this instinct will fade at some point, especially if you don\u2019t engage.<\/p>\n If your friends are being overbearing, the bit\u2019s getting stale, or you\u2019re starting to resent or avoid them, be forthright. You can say, Not everyone with a condition thinks the same way, and I don\u2019t automatically have what someone else does, regardless of our similarities. I appreciate that you\u2019re looking out for me, but I\u2019d prefer that you not bring this up anymore, even if it\u2019s meant as a joke. It\u2019s possible your friends need to hear this directly, and it\u2019s not patronizing to be straightforward when polite hints aren\u2019t coming across. (To that end: Maybe this is their attempt to communicate that, wow, that\u2019s a lot of Katseye factoids you\u2019ve got there? Said with love!)<\/p>\n X Have a question for Going Through It? Email goingthroughit@nymag.com<\/a> or share using this Google form<\/a> (and read our submission terms\u00a0here<\/a>).<\/p>\n Sign Up for the Going Through It Alert<\/p>\n Advice on work, dating, friendships and mental health from women who have failed spectacularly (and also succeeded) at all four.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
Not That It\u2019s a Bad Thing<\/p>\n
ARS<\/p>\n