{"id":1031220,"date":"2026-08-29T15:50:14","date_gmt":"2026-08-29T15:50:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/1031220\/"},"modified":"2026-08-29T15:50:14","modified_gmt":"2026-08-29T15:50:14","slug":"family-advice-i-told-my-sister-what-i-saw-in-confidential-footage-of-her-sons-school-she-lost-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/1031220\/","title":{"rendered":"Family advice: I told my sister what I saw in confidential footage of her son’s school. She lost it."},"content":{"rendered":"

Sign up for the Slatest<\/a> to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.<\/p>\n

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a public official who works with local schools. A few weeks ago, my sister called me in a rage because my nephew had had a terrible experience on his school bus\u2014there had been some sort of uproar\u2014and when she called the principal, she was blown off. She wanted to approach the superintendent about the incident, and I said I\u2019d help her. But then, I was in a meeting at which video from the incident was shown (it involved about 20 kids).<\/p>\n

To my horror, I saw that my nephew was one of the main instigators. I couldn\u2019t believe how badly he behaved (and the rest of the room was pretty incensed that he hadn\u2019t been disciplined).<\/p>\n

What I saw was supposed to be confidential, but I figured, well, family trumps work. I shared what I now knew with my sister to try to get her to rethink talking to the superintendent. I was sure that, in her shoes, I\u2019d want to know what my kid had done so I could address the behavior; I also didn\u2019t want her to be blindsided if she did go to the superintendent and found out that way. Well, she lost her mind on me, saying that her child had no idea he had misbehaved (he\u2019s 13 and should absolutely know better) and that it wasn\u2019t my business if her kid acted out. Is she right? Should I have just let her deal with whatever came? And if I see a member of my family misbehaving, should I consider it none of my business?<\/p>\n

\u2014In An Ethical Mess<\/p>\n

Dear Mess,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m afraid that neither your being sure that, if you were in your sister\u2019s shoes, you\u2019d want to know (one can never be \u201csure\u201d that someone, even a close family member, will want what you\u2019d want\u2014or that your hypothetical reaction to distressing information is an indicator of what her real-life one will be) nor your desire to protect her from being blindsided was a good reason for you to break confidentiality. I have a feeling your anger (you seem angry!) at her response to the information you shared is the result of feeling unappreciated for doing so. As the proverb my late father used to declare goes, \u201cNo good deed goes unpunished.\u201d He liked to help people whether they wanted or asked for his help or not. Sometimes that help was not appreciated, and his feelings would be deeply hurt.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    I Surprised My Wife With a Romantic Weekend Away. Her Reaction Is Absolutely Baffling.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    As for your sister: She might be embarrassed or ashamed and is thus lashing out at you \u2026 or she might be in true denial, believing that her child can do no wrong. Either way, you stepped into something that you (indeed) had no business stepping into, even if you stepped in for what you sincerely believed were all the right reasons.<\/p>\n

    But now you know. And while I sympathize with you (as I always sympathized with my father, who was always well-intentioned), I caution you to stop and think before you insert yourself into scenarios involving others (yes, even your family). I don\u2019t think it will necessarily always be \u201cnone of your business\u201d\u2014there may be situations when you are in a position to be helpful and generous and even to save the day\u2014but I do think you need to do some soul-searching before you act.<\/p>\n

    Finally: \u201cConfidential\u201d does not mean, for someone in public office, \u201cexcept of course when I learn something involving my sister.\u201d Family may indeed, in general, trump work, but there are types of work in which respecting confidentiality is part of the job.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    The last time my husband and I visited his parents, we had a big conflict. My son was 18 months old, and without explaining where we were going\u2014he told us we were going on \u201ca nice short trip\u201d\u2014he took us all on a very dangerous boulder-hopping trip in their not-so recreational vehicle. My son cried the whole time as we dodged branches and tried to stay upright as the tiny vehicle swayed left to right. I was furious\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":1031221,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[8],"tags":[600,246,251,4757,159,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":["post-1031220","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-science","tag-advice","tag-family","tag-kids","tag-parenting","tag-science","tag-slate-plus","tag-united-states","tag-unitedstates","tag-us"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1031220","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1031220"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1031220\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1031221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1031220"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1031220"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1031220"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}