{"id":154252,"date":"2025-08-17T23:15:17","date_gmt":"2025-08-17T23:15:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/154252\/"},"modified":"2025-08-17T23:15:17","modified_gmt":"2025-08-17T23:15:17","slug":"theres-one-thing-i-absolutely-wont-do-in-bed-its-the-one-thats-most-expected","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/154252\/","title":{"rendered":"There’s one thing I absolutely won’t do in bed. It’s the one that’s most expected."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 45-year-old gay man working through complex sexual trauma and am relatively new to sobriety. For the first time in years, I feel mentally ready to connect with others, and I\u2019m seeking a casual friends-with-benefits situation\u2014something low-pressure but meaningful.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the issue: receiving oral sex is physically difficult for me. I\u2019m well-endowed, and new partners often get excited to go down on me\u2014but I tend to go soft during the act, no matter what I\u2019ve tried (even Viagra). It\u2019s not about shame or lack of attraction. It\u2019s a trauma response. But of course, I can\u2019t unpack all that with a hookup I just met, and many men take my reaction personally.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a similar story with giving oral. I\u2019m a bottom and want to please my partners, but the act can trigger me. I want to be upfront, but not in a way that overshares or kills the mood. How can I communicate this early on in a way that\u2019s honest but doesn\u2019t derail the whole experience?<\/p>\n

\u2014Head Games<\/p>\n

Dear Head Games,<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is reasonable, de rigueur even, to spell out what you are (and, in some cases, aren\u2019t) into before a hookup. If you\u2019re meeting guys via apps, this can be as simple as including info in your profile (\u201cNo oral, only anal,\u201d for example), or letting them know during your coordinating chat. If you\u2019re meeting guys in person, a brief conversation explaining your boundaries should also suffice.<\/p>\n

However, know that this may derail the experience for some potential partners. I think your main task is getting to be OK with that. If people can\u2019t abide by your boundaries, they aren\u2019t worth your time. People may filter themselves out if they\u2019re looking for oral, and a lot of them will be. Guys, even the top-identified, may be drooling for your big dick, but bottoms who don\u2019t want their dicks played with are fairly common. That\u2019s not going to shatter a seasoned top\u2019s understanding of the universe. I think you\u2019ll find that what is more of a dealbreaker is you not wanting to suck, but I think you\u2019ll still do fine even with that boundary stated up front. Anecdotally, I see tops in hook-up profiles advertising that they just want anal. They are out there. As with any interest\/disinterest that deviates from the status quo, this is just about finding your people, and that process involves rejecting others as you shuffle through. Just be patient and know that if anyone turns you down as a result of your interests, it\u2019s not personal. After all, they won\u2019t yet know you well enough for it to be personal.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am a gay man in my mid 30s in a committed, monogamous relationship with an amazing man. Prior to dating him, I lived a very sexually active life and was very involved in the hookup culture. While I don\u2019t judge others for the choices they make when it comes to their sex life, I\u2019ve come to realize my promiscuity was born from a desire to be accepted and from a desire for intimacy. It has taken a lot of work to work through the shame and the guilt I have felt from abusing my body and giving it away so liberally, but I\u2019m slowly accepting my past as a part of my journey of growth and looking at my past self through kinder eyes.<\/p>\n

With all that said, my partner and I have a very active sex life. Sex with him is by far the best I\u2019ve ever experienced and it seems like each time he\u2019s coming up with new ways to please me. On the other hand, while I have had quite a few hook ups in the past, they really haven\u2019t required me to get very creative or to put in a lot of work. My partner only tops so I am the bottom in our relationship. Aside from riding, what other positions would work well for a bottom looking to please their partner? Also, while I love giving him oral, his penis does curve which triggers my gag reflex. I love this man so any suggestions on how to please him in the same way he pleases me would be most appreciated!<\/p>\n

\u2014I Want to Blow His Mind<\/p>\n

Dear I Want to Blow His Mind,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Congrats on overcoming your velvet rage. You say that tops in the past haven\u2019t required you to get creative. Is there anything different about this current relationship that would cause you to feel required to do so? If not, you\u2019re probably fine\u2014some tops just want to be able to do what they will with a hole, little-to-no work required on the bottom\u2019s part other than being receptive. There\u2019s a reason why topping has been traditionally considered the \u201cactive\u201d role: It tends to require more physical work. Things don\u2019t have to be this way, but what it could mean for you is riding low expectations all the way to mutual orgasms for you and your partner. I get the sense that you want to surprise your partner with new tricks, but in terms of the vibe and actual sensation, these may not be his thing. You would do better to have a conversation ahead of time about whether or not there\u2019s anything he\u2019d like you to do. The fact of the matter is that any and all positions could work well for a bottom looking to please their partner \u2026 depending on the top\u2019s taste and the bottom\u2019s willingness. You wrote a rave review of your sex life so this might be a don\u2019t-fix-what-isn\u2019t-broken situation.<\/p>\n

That said, you could try being the one to thrust in positions other than you on top\u2014for example, if he\u2019s in you from behind, you could move back and forth on his dick instead of him doing that work. See if he\u2019s into it. And for oral, try coming at him another way. If you tend to approach from below (as in, him standing while you are kneeling or even if he\u2019s lying down and you situate yourself between his legs), instead approach from above. Have him lay on his back and approach from the top (as if in a 69 position). That can help with accommodating, depending on his curve. You could also try laying on the bed with your head over the edge and have him thrust into you. Again, it will depend on his curve but that could help you take him (tell him to go easy, especially at first because an overeager top thrusting deep can also make things more difficult).<\/p>\n

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!<\/p>\n

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Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My partner and I used to have amazing sex. Lately, though, she\u2019s been having flare ups of chronic pain after receiving (the orgasms are so intense they activate it). We\u2019ve changed positions to help accommodate and ease the physical strain for her both giving and receiving, but now when she gives to me I am not enjoying myself as much (plus I squirted on her once in the new position and she had a super negative reaction.)<\/p>\n

Shame has entered my bedroom for the first time in my life, and I\u2019m having a hard time coping. When you add that to busyness, dealing with childcare, and general exhaustion, we end up having infrequent sex that leaves one of us unhappy. I\u2019m usually a hot and ready girl, but I\u2019m just not in the mood given everything, and the pattern of me not being able to get turned on has really hurt my partner\u2019s feelings and led to her feeling blamed and rejected. I just want to get back to feeling horny and having excellent sex! Help!<\/p>\n

\u2014Ashamed But Horny<\/p>\n

Dear Ashamed But Horny,<\/strong><\/p>\n

The issue here may be overcorrection. You have generously accommodated your partner\u2019s limitations, but it seems that it\u2019s at your expense. More tinkering may be in order. The troubleshooting that needs to be done is figuring out how you can mitigate your partner\u2019s pain while facilitating your pleasure. This will require working together closely, and that I think might be the biggest hurdle here.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s going to be hard to collaborate in such an intimate space when there are negative feelings pervading it. It\u2019s likely that your issues here go way beyond positioning\u2014the shame that has entered your bedroom could be just as big of an impediment, if not more so. Your partner\u2019s reactions have not been ideal. It seems that she is honest in her expression, but she hasn\u2019t been extending the kind of sensitivity that you need. She doesn\u2019t have to like your squirting but she should accept it as part of your body\u2019s functionality. Not doing so risks you feeling rejected. It seems that she has also taken personally your body\u2019s reaction to the changes you\u2019ve integrated. That\u2019s a choice she doesn\u2019t have to make. It may be disappointing, even upsetting, that your solutions for managing her pain didn\u2019t fall perfectly into place for both of you, but this is a practical matter. At the very least, there\u2019s an alternate interpretation for your response that doesn\u2019t involve your body unconsciously snubbing her. Why is she opting for that one?<\/p>\n

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    I don\u2019t know what your dynamic is like, and I don\u2019t know how your own behavior and reactions have contributed to it, but what I read was a letter from someone who has done a lot for their partner and it\u2019s still not good enough. Whether you are being treated unfairly or are extremely sensitive to your partner\u2019s feedback (or a little bit of both) is for you to determine. Clarity there will help further conversations on this matter. There may be ways to reconfigure your sex so that you are both satisfied. It won\u2019t necessarily be at the same time\u2014maybe one session is tailored to your pleasure, the next to her\u2019s. Obviously, you may be limited by what her body has the capacity to endure, but she may also need to compromise a bit. Maybe there\u2019s a position that is good for your pleasure\/orgasms that isn\u2019t strictly comfortable for her, but also isn\u2019t so uncomfortable as to be unpleasant. If she won\u2019t approach either your conversations about emotions or strategizing for sex with a sense of compromise and collaboration, that\u2019s data. It indicates there\u2019s more work to be done.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Rich<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m a bisexual married woman. Recently, it occurred to me that I might be kind of into my best friend. She\u2019s attractive, and she actually has permission from her boyfriend to hook up with me. I was very flattered but I declined because my husband and I have never talked about that and I felt he\u2019d consider it cheating, which is fair. But, I\u2019ll be honest, I was kind of interested. I\u2019d be open to it with her; only if my husband agreed. I don\u2019t want to hurt his feelings and don\u2019t know what the outcome would be. What should I do?<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":154253,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-154252","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-united-states","12":"tag-unitedstates","13":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115046653847944201","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154252","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=154252"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154252\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/154253"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=154252"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=154252"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=154252"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}