{"id":19668,"date":"2025-06-27T17:54:08","date_gmt":"2025-06-27T17:54:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/19668\/"},"modified":"2025-06-27T17:54:08","modified_gmt":"2025-06-27T17:54:08","slug":"my-husband-and-i-share-expenses-but-keep-our-discretionary-income-separate-i-used-to-think-this-was-ok-now-i-think-its-unfair","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/19668\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband and I share expenses, but keep our discretionary income separate. I used to think this was OK! Now I think it’s unfair."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/strong><\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I have been married for two years. We\u2019ve always been pretty good about sharing our money: trading off who picked up the check when we were dating, etc. When we moved in together, we did what I\u2019ve often seen you advise other couples to do: We each put a percentage (60 percent) of our take-home pay in a joint account for joint expenses. The rest we keep for ourselves.<\/p>\n

The problem is that while this seems fair in theory (and certainly was fair when we were first living together), the longer we\u2019re together, the less fair it seems. My husband makes about twice as much as I do, so he contributes twice as much to the household but also has twice as much \u201cfun\u201d money. When I think about having kids (probably in the next few years), I find myself thinking about the fact that, should I take parental leave, I\u2019ll have zero of my own money coming in for those months. And maybe I\u2019m overthinking it, but why should my husband have twice as much discretionary money just because society places a higher value on his job type? Do you think, past a certain point of \u201cpartnership,\u201d the percentage-based approach to shared finances breaks down? Am I just being selfish in thinking there\u2019s something off with this arrangement?<\/p>\n

\u2014Unequal<\/p>\n

Dear Unequal,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Every marriage works differently in this respect. Some couples prefer to keep their own money in separate accounts and spend it on a pro-rata basis, adjusting the amount to what they make. For others, all money is shared, and can be spent by either party however they want. It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page about the extent to which your combined money is equally yours. Not everybody uses the percentage-based approach you\u2019re describing.<\/p>\n

Marriage requires constantly affirming and renegotiating terms as the circumstances change. What you want at the beginning of the marriage might not be what you want at the end. You need to have a new conversation about your discomfort with the current situation.<\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t take it for granted that having kids will permanently cap your income, even if it does change what you have coming in when you take unpaid leave. (And as the proud parent of a 6-year-old who was once a newborn, I can confidently tell you that \u201cfun money\u201d will be the least of your concerns those first few months\u2014unless you can use fun money to pay for extra naps.) It\u2019s true that the market might value your husband\u2019s job more than they value yours, and it seems like that\u2019s started to annoy you more than it once did, but you still have agency in this situation. If more fun money is a priority for you, and you still plan to work after you have children, you should factor that into your career decisions.<\/p>\n

But if the real problem here is that you want more of a what\u2019s-mine-is-yours approach to your assets, then you need to discuss that with your husband, and also examine why you think that would be better for your relationship. Neither choice is right or wrong; it\u2019s just a matter of how you both view your individual financial independence, and whether sharing everything makes it feel more like a partnership to you.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: I Don\u2019t Want My Whiny Wife To Get A Penny In Our Divorce<\/a>. (November 11, 2021). <\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My fianc\u00e9e, \u201cCindy,\u201d and I are getting married this year. Our biggest issue is Cindy\u2019s mother, \u201cJan.\u201d Jan is in her early 60s and makes a good living, but she spends compulsively and is in serious financial trouble as a result. She owes a significant amount of money to the IRS (no one knows exactly how much), and she\u2019s always one to four months behind on her mortgage. She has no savings or retirement plan to fall back on and will have to live with us or Cindy\u2019s brother, \u201cEric,\u201d when she\u2019s no longer working.<\/p>\n

Jan frequently borrows money from Cindy and Eric. I am solely in charge of mine and Cindy\u2019s finances. Years ago, after Cindy lent her mother a more significant amount of money than usual and went into debt herself because of it, I created a \u201cmom fund\u201d with the money Jan paid back. Since then, when Jan needs money, it comes from the mom fund, and when Jan returns the money, it goes back into the mom fund.<\/p>\n

Recently, Jan has been unable to fully pay Cindy back. Right now, she owes Cindy about $200, and she owes Eric $1,000. Cindy and I just bought a house, and a huge chunk of our remaining savings will be going to our wedding this fall. In addition, Cindy desperately wants to have kids (I\u2019d be fine with or without), but we can\u2019t afford to have kids and fully support her mother on our current salaries. (We are both women, so getting pregnant alone will cost a significant amount.)<\/p>\n

Although we won\u2019t have to fully support Jan for another five to 15 years, I feel like Jan has become a financial albatross around our necks. How do Cindy and I come to an agreement about the extent to which we\u2019re willing to help her mother? And how do we know whether we can afford to have kids now knowing we\u2019ll also have to take care of Jan in the future? I am absolutely unwilling to live paycheck to paycheck and think we shouldn\u2019t have kids for that reason. There are no other family members Jan can rely on, and we know she\u2019ll choose to live with us as opposed to Eric, though we could ask Eric to contribute to our support of Jan. What do you think?<\/p>\n

\u2014Mother-in-Law Blues<\/p>\n

Dear Mother-In-Law Blues,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Coming into a situation where your partner is codependent with their parent<\/a> is difficult. Adding finances into the mix ups the ante. It sounds like you\u2019ve been rather supportive of Cindy\u2019s relationship with Jan. Heck, you established a boundary by making the mom account, which many people would not have done. But I\u2019m wondering if Cindy took your actions as a sign that you were on board to take care of her mom. Jan will keep being financially irresponsible as long as her children enable her to do so.<\/p>\n

Before you combine your finances any further, you need to have a direct conversation with Cindy<\/a> about what her mother\u2019s care is going to cost your relationship. She may not realize that you don\u2019t feel you\u2019re able to support Jan and have kids. Cindy may be shocked and hurt, but it\u2019s better to have this discussion now than after your wedding date. Be clear about your boundaries and what you are and are not willing to do for Jan, and give Cindy space to think and respond.<\/p>\n

If Cindy decides it\u2019s time to set strict financial boundaries with her mother so you guys can move forward with your relationship goals, kudos. Have Cindy schedule some time to let Jan and Eric know that from now on, she will be prioritizing her own family\u2019s future. She doesn\u2019t need to go into all the drama of what a financial succubus her mom is, because that won\u2019t be productive.\u00a0She can simply say that she has new financial priorities as a couple, and additional requests outside of the mom fund will not be met. Cindy can also point Jan toward her state\u2019s adult services office<\/a> and encourage her to speak to a financial planner<\/a> to help her make the most of what she has left in the bank.<\/p>\n

If Cindy decides that she cannot set boundaries with Jan, you have a few options. You can say that you\u2019re respectful of her choice but that you expect her to be respectful of yours not to go further with having children. You and Cindy can work with a couples therapist to help you sort through this issue. Or you can decide to part ways. Regardless, it\u2019s going to be a difficult conversation with a hard decision at the end, but it needs to happen before you are legally wed. I wish you and Cindy the best.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Uncle Has Commandeered One Of My Family\u2019s Beach Houses<\/a>. (September 7, 2021). <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

How do I deal with my downfall? I used to make $27 an hour. I was generous with my girlfriend, never asking for money back. Now that I\u2019m making way less ($15 an hour), she acts like I\u2019m a burden on her. She gets mad, but I know she has almost $2,000 in the bank and expects me to still give her almost all my money to help with the bills. I feel like a bum, and she keeps acting as if I\u2019m trying to get one over on her, even though I ask her for nothing and go without a lot.<\/p>\n

I finally got my hair done for the first time in over a year, and she accused me of spending unnecessary money. It makes me feel like she was using me when I was wealthy, and she\u2019s only hanging on until I can get back to where I was. When I try to talk to her, I\u2019m always met with anger and hostility, and I have to hear how she\u2019s doing all of this on her own, no matter how much money I\u2019m giving her. It makes me feel like nothing\u2019s ever good enough. Do you think she\u2019s using me and waiting until I can start back making more money and splurging on her like I used to?<\/p>\n

\u2014Used<\/p>\n

Dear Used,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! My Mother Was a Famous Mommy Blogger. She Ruined My Life, but She\u2019s Demanding Even More.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    I Disagree With My Daughter\u2019s First Parenting Decision. Big Time.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    My Mother-In-Law Loves Buying Pink Princess Dresses for Our Daughter. There\u2019s Just One Problem.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    Help! My Wife Has Issued an Ultimatum Between Me and My Favorite Food.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I don\u2019t think your girlfriend is using you. You seem to suggest you shouldn\u2019t have to pay your share of expenses because she has $2,000 in her savings account, but her emergency fund isn\u2019t there to cover your half of the bills. Unless otherwise discussed, you aren\u2019t off the hook despite a loss in income. This would explain why she feels she is \u201cdoing it on her own,\u201d despite you giving her money. (And you should never give gifts if you expect repayment later\u2014that\u2019s a loan, not a gift.)<\/p>\n

    If that\u2019s the case, I think you need to work on improving your financial situation. You could ask your girlfriend to adjust how you split bills based on your new wage. I\u2019d also recommend a budgeting app to track your income and spending, so you know where your money goes. Mint<\/a>, Goodbudget<\/a>, and Pocketguard<\/a> are all great apps for getting started. In addition, you could find a side hustle that will help in the short term. Ride shares, dog-walking, or a second job could ease some of the stress.<\/p>\n

    However, I am worried that this relationship isn\u2019t healthy. Even if it\u2019s not financial abuse<\/a>, it sounds like there\u2019s a lot of tension and you don\u2019t see eye to eye on money. That\u2019s not good. If you don\u2019t feel you can work through this with your girlfriend, it might be time to move on.<\/p>\n

    From: I Want To Make My Daughter Split Her Inheritance With Her Ex-Husband<\/a>. (August 31, 2021).<\/p>\n

    Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

    My husband had an affair. After I discovered the affair, my husband ended it, and I wanted to let the other woman\u2019s husband know about the affair. I joined an online forum where people experiencing infidelity can offer one another support. Everyone on the site recommends telling the affair partner\u2019s spouse: They say the other spouse has a right to know and that it helps destroy the secrecy that makes affairs appealing. I agreed with that. But my husband said the other woman\u2019s husband is abusive and would almost certainly hurt her if the affair came to light. I feel like he\u2019s defending his affair partner by telling me not to expose the affair. <\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":19669,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[600,64,246,255,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-19668","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-personal-finance","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/114756613701960295","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19668","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19668"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19668\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/19669"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19668"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19668"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19668"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}