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\n Photo-Illustration: Marylu Herrera\n <\/p>\n
In this week\u2019s story, a woman wonders if the co-worker she was having an affair with still wants to see her: 27, single, New York.<\/p>\n
DAY ONE<\/strong><\/p>\n 8:30 a.m.<\/strong> Two weeks ago today I called off my engagement. Rob was my college boyfriend whom I loved but never lusted for. He was \u201chusband material,\u201d and I tried really hard to power through and marry him but I knew I wouldn\u2019t be happy as his wife. The relationship was too dull for me. He was too dull for me. Plus, no one else knows this, but I was cheating on him in the end. It was with a guy named Theo who I work with at a law firm. It started a few months before I officially called things off. I\u2019m still seeing him, but it\u2019s gotten \u2026 weird.<\/p>\n 10:50 a.m.<\/strong> I sneak downstairs to meet my mom for a quick hello. She\u2019s walking by my office on the way to a doctor\u2019s appointment. My entire family lives on the Upper West Side and my office is in Midtown West. She\u2019s been great about the failed engagement. I tell her I feel ashamed and embarrassed. She says I should feel free.<\/p>\n 1:30 p.m. <\/strong>A law-school friend, Emy, texts to see if I want to meet her at happy hour after work tomorrow. I say yes and feel a pang of anxiety. Everything feels like a foreign language right now. It\u2019s the first time in my adult life I\u2019m single. I\u2019m not totally alone; I have my goldendoodle, Sylvia. My ex and I are currently sharing custody of her, which is not fun.<\/p>\n 5 p.m.<\/strong> If one more person tells me to join a running group, I\u2019m going to scream. I can\u2019t think of anything worse.<\/p>\n 7:30 p.m. <\/strong>On my way out the door, standing at the elevators, I remember that Theo comes back tomorrow after a long weekend away. We work at the same law firm but in different departments. We met in December at a holiday party. It\u2019s so obvious and clich\u00e9 what\u2019s happened with us \u2026 when I was engaged, he wanted me desperately; now that I\u2019m available, he\u2019s pulling back. I didn\u2019t leave Rob to be with Theo, but I definitely thought he\u2019d be my next boyfriend or at least that things would rev up between us. But no, the minute I told him I ended things, Theo got weird. You\u2019re probably thinking, No shit!<\/p>\n 10 p.m.<\/strong> Sylvia sleeps with me and we like to curl up and watch TV together before bed. It\u2019s my apartment, technically, so it was Rob who moved out. He gets Sylvia tomorrow. I can\u2019t imagine doing this with children, it\u2019s excruciating enough with a dog.<\/p>\n DAY TWO<\/strong><\/p>\n 7 a.m.<\/strong> I ran three miles this morning at the gym below my office.<\/p>\n 9:30 a.m.<\/strong> No one at work knows about me and Theo, but they all know I called off an engagement to my boyfriend of ten years. They\u2019re tiptoeing around me, which I\u2019m honestly thankful for. I\u2019m pretending I\u2019m not scared, but I am. Nervous about what\u2019s next, excited to finally find out who I really am \u2026<\/p>\n 1:45 p.m.<\/strong> My work bestie, Claudia, comes over to my desk and says she wants to set me up with her brother, Tony. I met him once at Claudia\u2019s birthday drinks. He was hilarious \u2014 cracking jokes the whole night. Maybe too hilarious though. His personality is going to be too big for me right now. I tell her we\u2019ll revisit \u201cthe Tony of it all\u201d after the summer.<\/p>\n 3 p.m.<\/strong> Rob texts that he\u2019s picked up Sylvia. He still has the keys to my apartment. I see no reason to change them. He\u2019s not a psychopath. Our texts are purely transactional. I want to say, \u201cAre you okay?\u201d But he doesn\u2019t want to hear that from me. Of course he\u2019s not okay. Our wedding was still a few months away, but it was a destination wedding, so a lot of people had bought tickets already. I couldn\u2019t let the guilt of that stop me from living my truth, but it weighs heavily on me, what a mess I made for everyone.<\/p>\n 5 p.m.<\/strong> First interaction with Theo today, in our coffee and snack room. We make small talk because other people are around.\u00a0I\u2019m insanely horny every time I see him. He\u2019s hot in every way my ex was not: He\u2019s dirty, he\u2019s sexual, he\u2019s confident. Our secret, of course, makes things steamier. Lately he\u2019s texting me back less, saying things like, \u201cWe\u2019re just casual, right?\u201d I should play hard to get but I\u2019m so fucking vulnerable right now.<\/p>\n 7 p.m. <\/strong>Happy hour with Emy. The bar is dead since it\u2019s a Tuesday and I end up venting about my life, which depresses us both. Emy\u2019s been through something similar so it\u2019s good to be with someone who understands. We don\u2019t find any guys to flirt with so we call it after two drinks each. She walks me home since it\u2019s on the way to her apartment. I tell her I don\u2019t have a clear plan yet. It\u2019s hard to explain my story to her without mentioning Theo but I swore on my life to him I\u2019d never tell anyone we were having an affair.<\/p>\n 10 p.m.<\/strong> No Sylvia. Not a peep from Theo \u2014 I haven\u2019t reached out since last weekend when he made, then broke, plans with me to have dinner together (as in our first real, out-in-the-open date). But I definitely touch myself thinking about him. It\u2019s impossible for me not to come the minute he enters me. When I\u2019m with him, I have to distract myself completely from the sex so that I last more than five seconds. I never come more than once, so I need to savor that orgasm. My ex, Rob, was bad in bed. He was shy and tender and never fully a man about it.<\/p>\n DAY THREE<\/strong><\/p>\n 7 a.m.<\/strong> It\u2019s nice to wake up feeling normalish. For the last two weeks, I feel like I woke up with bloodshot eyes from crying or from barely sleeping at all. My mom and sisters assure me it will get better each day.<\/p>\n 9:30 a.m.<\/strong> Sipping coffee at my desk. Theo texts. \u201cWant to hang out tonight?\u201d I\u2019m wet just from reading that. I guess ignoring him for a few days paid off. I don\u2019t respond, intentionally.<\/p>\n 12:50 a.m. <\/strong>Trying to focus on work but my mind keeps circling back to everything I lost with the Rob breakup: the friends who hate me for hurting him \u2026 the idea of being a young mom \u2014 which is something I always wanted, despite not wanting him.<\/p>\n 6:30 p.m.<\/strong> Nice walk home from work. Alone, with music in my ears. I\u2019m trying not to overthink the Theo thing tonight, but I still haven\u2019t given him an answer, nor has he checked in again. I\u2019ll get home, have something to eat with a glass of wine, and see how I feel.<\/p>\n 8 p.m. <\/strong>I\u2019m so horny! Finally I text Theo that I can be there by 9 p.m., if he\u2019s good with that. I get a thumbs-up emoji. So I shower, get myself ready, and call an Uber.<\/p>\n 9:30 p.m<\/strong>. Oh my God, the sex is so good. As always, I barely last a full minute once the penetration starts, but I think it\u2019s hot (to him) the way I come so hard and so fast. We don\u2019t talk about anything regarding my breakup or dating each other. We fuck, go downstairs and get some ice cream, sit on his stoop, and I call a car. It\u2019s as simple as that. He\u2019s not an asshole, but he\u2019s definitely withholding. When I was engaged, he was as open and intimate as you can imagine. Now it\u2019s like I can hear him thinking, Don\u2019t give her any hope.<\/p>\n DAY FOUR<\/strong><\/p>\n 6:45 a.m<\/strong>. Wake up early again feeling anxious. Rob is bringing Sylvia to my place before he goes to work \u2014 he\u2019s a lawyer too, but he works for his family so his hours are looser.<\/p>\n I leave for my office as early as possible so Rob and I don\u2019t cross paths. He doesn\u2019t want to see me \u2014 he made that clear the day I left him.<\/p>\n 12:30 p.m.<\/strong> I have lunch with Claudia, my work friend, and decide that I\u2019m going to tell her about Theo. It\u2019s not healthy to bottle all this up. I am so mentally unbalanced right now that some honesty and transparency will do me good. She\u2019s shocked when I tell her. Almost scandalized by it. She makes me feel a bit slutty and a bit freaky, and I immediately regret opening my mouth. I do think I can trust her, however.<\/p>\n 3:30 p.m. <\/strong>My mom texts to remind me about a few loose ends. My parents and sisters took care of most of the wedding undoing, but a few things are still on my to-do list. One is canceling the hotel we were going to sleep at on our wedding night. It\u2019s a really nice hotel near the place our wedding was supposed to be. I thought Rob and I would want to escape there for the night so I booked it. I have no idea why cancelling this room makes me so emotional, but as I call the reception desk, I cry while talking. It\u2019s not like it\u2019s a big deal, there\u2019s no cancellation fee or anything, but it makes me weep.<\/p>\n 5 p.m. <\/strong>For the first time since working at this firm (I started here as an intern in law school), I leave early. I don\u2019t want to be seen crying at work. I fake a dental emergency and go home to sob into my pillow. What have I done?<\/p>\n 8 p.m.<\/strong> Lying with Sylvia on the couch, ordering an entire chocolate cake off Uber Eats. I\u2019m just going for it. Don\u2019t look at my phone or anything for the rest of the night.<\/p>\n DAY FIVE<\/strong><\/p>\n 7:15 a.m. <\/strong>Wake up feeling sick of myself. Today is going to be a good day. I\u2019m manifesting it!<\/p>\n 9 a.m.<\/strong> It helps that I have a grueling work day ahead. I won\u2019t be able to look up from my computer until nighttime. It\u2019s a great distraction, as soul-crushing as this level of paperwork can be.<\/p>\n 1:15 p.m.<\/strong> I get lunch and an iced latte because I need fuel. In line at the caf\u00e9, there are three guys in suits talking about some work trip. One is really hot. We make eye contact. I\u2019m telling myself, \u201cGo for it, introduce yourself.\u201d But I don\u2019t know how to break into their conversation. I feel like he\u2019s having the same inner dialogue with himself. I try to smile flirtatiously and hope he\u2019ll say something but then it\u2019s time for me to order so I snap back into focus. He ends up grabbing his food when it\u2019s ready and leaving. Maybe we\u2019ll meet up here again some day.<\/p>\n 2 p.m. <\/strong>As I eat at my desk, it occurs to me that those hopeful feelings at the caf\u00e9 were a small victory.<\/p>\n 4 p.m.<\/strong> Text my dog walker that it\u2019s going to be a late one so I ask her to walk Sylvia one extra time this evening.<\/p>\n 7 p.m. <\/strong>It\u2019s a Friday night and I still have a few hours to put in so I step out for fresh air and decide a glass of wine won\u2019t hurt me. There\u2019s a hotel bar around the corner that\u2019s supposed to be good, so I head that way. It\u2019s kind of a miracle but there\u2019s a group of businessmen at the bar having drinks together. They all come over to talk to me, since they\u2019re all a bit drunk and ready to start the weekend. One of them is hot. His name is Colin. He has an Irish accent and says he\u2019s lived here for the last few years. I fucking love the accent. I give him my number, swallow my last drop of wine, and go back to the office. Okay, Colin. This could be fun!<\/p>\n 11 p.m. <\/strong>Home, finally. Sylvia makes me feel loved and missed. Just as I brush my teeth and wash my face, Colin texts, \u201cYou still out?\u201d I guess he was too drunk to remember that I was technically still working when we met. I ignore it. I\u2019d rather text with him when he\u2019s sober tomorrow.<\/p>\n DAY SIX<\/strong><\/p>\n 8 a.m. <\/strong>Trying to make it to a gym class so I skip coffee and grab a power bar and go.<\/p>\n 1 p.m. <\/strong>I try to make myself feel better by redecorating my apartment. The couch reminds me of Rob; the plates remind me of Rob.<\/p>\n 2 p.m.<\/strong> I decide to go furniture shopping, which turns into clothes shopping, which turns into sexy new bra shopping. Meanwhile, I have not heard anything from Theo. I am starting to accept the fact that whatever we had was over. I\u2019m not going to be a drama queen about it, as much as it stings.<\/p>\n 6 p.m.<\/strong> Tonight I have a mixology class with my sister. It\u2019s a gift she got me to cheer me up last week. I decide to go all out with my makeup and hair. Maybe the mixologist will be hot.<\/p>\n 8 p.m. <\/strong>Okay, he\u2019s not hot, he\u2019s a cheeseball. But we have fun as sisters. She\u2019s married and very stable, trying to have a baby, so we can only have so much fun, but it\u2019s a great night out.<\/p>\n 8:30 p.m<\/strong>. She gets on the subway to go home, and I text Colin and see if he wants to meet up and have a wild night out. I\u2019m in the mood for that \u2014 the cocktails have me buzzing. I respond to his text from last night, \u201cI\u2019m out now \u2026 you?\u201d After some back and forth, we decide that we\u2019ll try to connect later in the night. He was at a dinner with friends in town from London. I decide to walk home and see where the night takes me on the way.<\/p>\n 9 p.m.<\/strong> It took me to another bar in Soho! It looked like a good scene so I meandered in. I get a drink. I start talking to people and flirting. But I\u2019m drunk now, and luckily I know better than to keep going or start hanging out with strangers, so I leave shortly after.<\/p>\n 10 p.m.<\/strong> By the time I walk home, I\u2019m slightly more sober, very sweaty, and not sure I can hang out with Colin. But that\u2019s exactly when he texts. I give him my address and quickly shower and brush my teeth. I open the one bottle of wine I have in my apartment. It\u2019s something expensive that was gifted to us at our engagement party. I try not to think about it.<\/p>\n 11 p.m.<\/strong> Colin arrives. He\u2019s quite sweaty too. He sheepishly asks if he can take a shower. It\u2019s weird, but it\u2019s hot out there, so I say it\u2019s okay. He showers, comes out in a towel, and we start to kiss immediately. I\u2019m happy he has condoms because he is a literal stranger. We end up fucking doggy style in my room. It\u2019s good, not great, and I don\u2019t come. The minute he\u2019s done, I feel very used, even though I made this happen. I try to hide it, but I\u2019m disgusted with myself and want him to leave. He kisses me on the cheek on the way out.<\/p>\n DAY SEVEN<\/strong><\/p>\n 9 a.m. <\/strong>Hungover, I decide I need therapy. One of my sisters is a psychologist, so I text her for recommendations and she quickly sends me a few names, and then she tells me how much she loves me, and supports me, and blah, blah, blah. I\u2019m lucky to have my family.<\/p>\n 3 p.m.<\/strong> I do some grocery shopping and get lots of healthy food. This will be the week I take good care of myself, I promise myself. This will be the week I give myself grace.<\/p>\n 6 p.m<\/strong>. Most Sunday nights, my entire family gets together at one of our apartments. It\u2019s a ritual we\u2019ve had since we all grew up and left the nest. I know I need to be with loved ones, but I\u2019m also really not up for it. I text the family chat that I\u2019m having a \u201cme day\u201d and not going to make it, and everyone sends me their love without any pushback.<\/p>\n 9 p.m. <\/strong>It\u2019s a very quiet night at home. I cook dinner. I watch the movie Past Lives, which somehow I never saw. It warms my heart and makes me cry buckets of tears, but not in a depressing way. And then I go to sleep, feeling nearly whole.<\/p>\n Want to submit a sex diary? Email sexdiaries@nymag.com<\/a> and tell us a little about yourself (and read our submission terms\u00a0here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Get Sex Diaries delivered every week.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n