{"id":219169,"date":"2025-09-11T21:30:13","date_gmt":"2025-09-11T21:30:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/219169\/"},"modified":"2025-09-11T21:30:13","modified_gmt":"2025-09-11T21:30:13","slug":"my-sister-wants-my-help-keeping-her-pregnancy-secret-until-after-her-baby-is-born-i-think-this-is-insane","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/219169\/","title":{"rendered":"My sister wants my help keeping her pregnancy secret until after her baby is born. I think this is insane."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My younger sister \u201cHarper\u201d just shared with me that she and her husband are excited to be expecting a baby. She told me she was only telling our parents and a few trusted family members and asked me to help her keep the news secret until after the baby is born!<\/p>\n

I knew immediately that this was because of our older sister \u201cRonnie.\u201d Ronnie and her husband have struggled with infertility for years. After 10 miscarriages, Ronnie has reached a point where she will not be in the same room with a pregnant woman or a baby if she can help it.<\/p>\n

Harper also told me that she is also going to forgo having a baby shower \u201cout of respect for what Ronnie is going through.\u201d I think this is insane.<\/p>\n

Yes, what Ronnie is dealing with is devastating for her, but I don\u2019t think she has a right to make everyone around her sacrifice their own enjoyment and milestone events because of it. Should I tell Ronnie about Harper\u2019s pregnancy, and tell her it\u2019s time to suck it up and shut up?<\/p>\n

\u2014You Can\u2019t Hold the World Hostage<\/p>\n

Dear You Can\u2019t,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure why Harper believes it will be any easier for Ronnie to learn about her baby after its birth as opposed to before. But Harper\u2019s pregnancy is her business\u2014it\u2019s her choice who she wants to tell about it, and when. Maybe she wants to enjoy her happy news (assuming she is happy about it) for as long as possible before dealing with Ronnie\u2019s potential feelings about it. In any case, while I know it\u2019s an awkward situation\u2014and it feels weird to know something important about your sister that your other sister doesn\u2019t know\u2014I do think you should probably leave it to Harper to share the news as she sees fit.<\/p>\n

I realize you probably wouldn\u2019t tell her in so many words to \u201csuck it up and shut up.\u201d Still, when you phrase it as her holding \u201cthe world hostage\u201d and say that she doesn\u2019t have the right to make Harper forgo any joy or celebration, you are overlooking the fact that Ronnie isn\u2019t forcing Harper to do anything. Obviously it\u2019s not realistic if Ronnie expects to get through life without ever seeing pregnant people and babies. But you don\u2019t know that that\u2019s her plan\u2014sometimes there are things we do to try to take care of ourselves while actively grieving that we don\u2019t necessarily do forever.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    I Let My Sister and Her Boyfriend Move In. An Amazon Delivery Revealed What They Were Keeping From Me.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! I Moved Across the World for My Husband. Apparently, That Still Isn\u2019t Enough.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    I Slept With the Guy I\u2019m Seeing for the First Time. Uh, This Really Isn\u2019t Going to Work.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n <\/p>\n

    My Parenting Style Is Apparently Everyone\u2019s Worst Nightmare. I Won\u2019t Change!
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Right now, Ronnie is grieving. That is affecting her and her relationships and your family in many ways. It\u2019s okay for you to feel upset or sad or frustrated about that. But Ronnie didn\u2019t choose to experience so many losses, and the timeline of her grieving and healing is not up to you. In the meantime, she hasn\u2019t asked Harper not to have a baby shower \u201cout of respect\u201d for her; she doesn\u2019t even know about the baby.<\/p>\n

    Whether before or after the birth, your sisters are going to have to figure this out. If the secrecy right now bothers you, you can gently encourage Harper to be open with Ronnie before the baby arrives. (She might not really be \u201cprotecting\u201d Ronnie, after all\u2014Ronnie might be even more hurt knowing that Harper felt she couldn\u2019t tell her about the pregnancy.) I don\u2019t know how close your sisters are, but if Harper loves Ronnie enough to forgo a baby shower to try to protect her feelings, maybe they are close enough to talk about this and come to some sort of genuine, if inevitably complicated, understanding\u2014one that allows them to be honest with each other, acknowledging both Harper\u2019s happiness and Ronnie\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Nicole<\/p>\n

    More Parenting Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I am a happily married middle-aged woman with two girls, \u201cBailey\u201d (16) and \u201cSera\u201d (14). They are great sisters. They get along fine for their age, and they enjoy playing video games and reading books together. Bailey is extraordinarily patient with Sera\u2019s anti-social nature, and they share everything together. My husband and I made the decision to homeschool them when Bailey was in first grade, and they are both ahead academically. They also have a great relationship with my husband and me, and although our circle is small, we are happy. However, we\u2019re experiencing some academic drama as of late.<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":219170,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,246,210,251,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-219169","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-kids","12":"tag-slate-plus","13":"tag-united-states","14":"tag-unitedstates","15":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115187798811458380","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/219169","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=219169"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/219169\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/219170"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=219169"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=219169"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=219169"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}