{"id":226491,"date":"2025-09-14T15:53:30","date_gmt":"2025-09-14T15:53:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/226491\/"},"modified":"2025-09-14T15:53:30","modified_gmt":"2025-09-14T15:53:30","slug":"were-about-to-adopt-a-little-boy-peoples-responses-to-that-are-honestly-flooring-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/226491\/","title":{"rendered":"We’re about to adopt a little boy. People’s responses to that are honestly flooring me."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My spouse and I are on a difficult journey through infertility struggles. We\u2019ve had some pregnancy losses, and we\u2019re currently pursuing treatment. During this time, we also became foster parents, with the goal of helping parents and children to reunify (privately, I felt that channeling my grief into helping other parents would be healing).<\/p>\n

Our most recent foster case has transitioned to adoption. We love our soon-to-be son, though we had no idea he\u2019d become legally ours when the case began. Suddenly, I\u2019m very self-conscious about how this looks from the outside. I don\u2019t personally believe that adoption is a solution for infertility, and our little boy is not a consolation prize. I find myself bristling at well-meaning comments from others (\u201cYou get to keep him!\u201d being a common one) and I don\u2019t want our toddler growing up thinking he was Plan B. How do I navigate the nuances of two traumatic experiences\u2014our infertility, and our child\u2019s removal from his first family\u2014in social situations without promoting an unhealthy view of family-building?<\/p>\n

\u2014Two Wrongs Don\u2019t Make A Right<\/p>\n

Dear Right,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I want to say, first, how much I appreciate your recognition of the complexity of the situation you find yourself in, and the thoughtfulness with which you\u2019ve approached it. Now the challenge is\u2014as it so often is\u2014dealing with others whose understanding is less nuanced, and who have the luxury of an offhand response.<\/p>\n

One \u201csolution\u201d (which will be helpful only in the future; it does no good with all the people with whom you\u2019ve already shared the full details) is to stop telling people about your difficult journey through infertility struggles and to not describe your son\u2019s foster-to-adoption story. Neither is it anyone\u2019s business but your own. If there are people in your life\u2014a sibling, a best friend, a parent\u2014to whom you are accustomed to \u201ctelling everything,\u201d then go ahead and tell them everything, including your reservations about adoption, your strong feelings about it not being a solution to infertility, and a confession of your anxiety about \u201chow this looks.\u201d<\/p>\n

But since the cat is out of the bag with (most of?) the people in your life, I\u2019d say you need to divide these well-wishers into two categories: those closest to you and everybody else. With Group 1, retroactively offer an accounting of everything you just told me. With Group 2, the appropriate response to their delighted congratulations (when offered while your son is still young enough not to understand, or when he isn\u2019t present) is to say thanks, and move on to talking about something else. (And do not offer updates as they occur: Consider the discussion of both your efforts to become pregnant and your son\u2019s adoption closed. When you do eventually become pregnant, and you want to share that news with the whole world, no matter what these people say\u2014whether it\u2019s, \u201cOMG finally!\u201d or even \u201cYou must be over the moon to be having \u2018your own\u2019\u201d\u2014stick to \u201cThanks.\u201d There\u2019s no percentage in correcting the assumptions of others, especially when the emotional cost to you is high.)<\/p>\n

If there is in fact no Group 1\u2014if there is no one in your life to whom you feel you \u201cowe\u201d the whole story\u2014then my advice about Group 2 applies to both.<\/p>\n

When it comes to your son, all you need to do to make sure he doesn\u2019t feel like Plan B is to love and treasure him\u2014I promise, if you do, he\u2019ll know. And of course doing everything you can to support him through the traumatic loss of his first family (including recognizing that it is a trauma\u2014not by pointing this out to him and trying to process it with and for him, but by being available to him as he feels and processes it, and offering him resources to help him do so) will go a long way to ensure that he feels deeply loved and precious to you. In \u201csocial situations,\u201d if anyone is thoughtless enough to say to him, \u201cAren\u2019t you a lucky boy?!\u201d or, in his presence, to you, \u201cAren\u2019t you lucky you got to keep him!\u201d consider laughing, maybe responding with the ambiguous, \u201cLuck has nothing to with it,\u201d and then changing the subject (one of my most reliable go-to\u2019s). Then, when you get home, ask him how the comment made him feel. And let him, for the zillionth time, know how very much you love him.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband, \u201cJack,\u201d and I are at odds over something he allows our two boys, ages 4 and 6, to do when he takes them grocery shopping. He lets them eat handfuls of candy and other things out of those self-serve bins. It\u2019s not only unsanitary, but as far as I\u2019m concerned, it\u2019s stealing and setting a terrible example for them. Jack says he considers it \u201csampling.\u201d I\u2019m the main breadwinner in the family, and it\u2019s my husband who is usually at home with the kids. It\u2019s he who almost exclusively handles the shopping while I\u2019m at work, which means I can\u2019t be there to supervise what goes on. How can I put a stop to this?<\/p>\n

\u2014Promoting Pint-Sized Petty Theft<\/p>\n

Dear Petty Theft,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m with you: Letting the kids grab food out of the bins is a terrible idea. Along with what you\u2019ve mentioned, it\u2019s a lousy thing to do to everyone who buys food from that bin after your little germ-carriers have dipped their hands into it. (Your husband is lucky he hasn\u2019t been kicked out of the store yet.) It is petty theft\u2014you might point out to your husband that \u201csampling\u201d applies only to what\u2019s offered for free by the store, not what\u2019s taken from them without express permission\u2014and allowing it indeed gives them the message that taking what isn\u2019t theirs to take is OK.<\/p>\n

Try to say this in as non-accusatory a way as you can muster. \u201cI know you don\u2019t want to give them that message,\u201d you might say (lovingly). \u201cThey\u2019re too young to understand the subtle difference you understand between taking candy that\u2019s not theirs from a store and taking it from friends, say.\u201d<\/p>\n

You might also point out (still keeping your tone level) that if others are doing what the kids are doing, they are picking up whatever others have been putting down. I know you\u2019ve told him that this practice is \u201cunsanitary,\u201d but I\u2019m guessing that spelling it out in gross detail\u2014\u201cIf anyone who has a cold has just blown his nose and then stuck his hand in the bulk gummy worms bin, that cold is definitely going to be passed along to the next poor chump who reaches in for a handful of worms and bits of mucus\u201d\u2014will be more effective. (As my creative writing students know, concrete details will always be more effective than a summary.)<\/p>\n

I do want to offer one tip for a healthy, long-lasting marriage. Even though you\u2019re right about this business with the bulk bins, in general, it isn\u2019t fair to expect your children\u2019s father to be responsible for their care while you supervise it from a distance. In other words: You\u2019re not the foreman; he\u2019s not the worker. So don\u2019t tell him he can\u2019t do this anymore; don\u2019t issue orders and don\u2019t make the rules and expect him to follow them. Talk things over with him. In situations where his judgment proves to be less than the best objectively (theft is wrong; sticking hands in food that others may have stuck their hands in is begging for health trouble; sticking hands in food that others will take home to eat is selfish and mean), have a thoughtful conversation that helps him see things in a way that inspires him to make a better choice. And if he\u2019s doing something with the kids that you don\u2019t care for but that is not objectively bad, maybe keep your opinion to yourself. Nobody likes to have all the responsibility but none of the authority.<\/p>\n

Send Your Questions to Good Job!<\/p>\n

Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I went out of town for a friend\u2019s wedding. We have two kids, \u201cSarah,\u201d who is 8, and \u201cTravis,\u201d 11. We left them with my sister, \u201cOlive,\u201d as the wedding was adults-only. During the reception, we got a call from Olive saying that Travis had crashed her car into a neighbor\u2019s parked car while trying to drive off with hers. She said Travis had gotten into her purse and taken her keys while she was in the bathroom. Thankfully, our son wasn\u2019t injured, but he did cause thousands of dollars\u2019 worth of damage to her car and the neighbor\u2019s car he hit.<\/p>\n

Olive does not want to submit this to her insurance because it will increase her rates. Instead, she wants my husband and me to pay for it. I say it\u2019s her problem for allowing my son to gain access to her keys in the first place. He could have been killed. (If anything, Olive should be grateful we aren\u2019t suing her!) We don\u2019t owe her anything, right?<\/p>\n

\u2014Unlicensed Driver<\/p>\n

Dear Unlicensed,<\/strong><\/p>\n

If leaving her car keys in her purse, in her own home\u2014which I gather you believe was irresponsible of your sister\u2014means that what happened was her fault, I have to assume you warned her that your 11-year-old 1) habitually goes through people\u2019s purses, 2) is easily tempted by what he finds there, 3) has never been taught that taking other people\u2019s things is wrong\u2014or has been taught this but the lesson\u2019s never taken hold, and 4) is likely to steal her car if given any opportunity and take it for a joy ride. I would further have to assume that she didn\u2019t take those warnings seriously, or she would either have refused your request that she babysit overnight, or locked her purse in a safe and hid all her valuable belongings. Perhaps she could have left her car in a neighbor\u2019s garage, just to be extra safe.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m afraid that all of my assumptions may be wrong.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Doree Shafrir
\n I\u2019m a Teacher. Almost All Parents Do the Same Infuriating Thing at Parent-Teacher Conferences.
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    If so, shame on you for insisting that what happened is \u201cher problem.\u201d You should absolutely pay for the damages caused by your son. You should also get him help immediately, whether through a family therapist, individual counselor, or both (stealing her car was not a harmless, run-of-the-mill prank; you\u2019re right that he could have been killed\u2014and so might others have been if he\u2019d made it off your sister and her neighbor\u2019s street). You should recognize that what Travis did is a harbinger of even worse to come if there isn\u2019t an intervention now. You should apologize profusely to your sister.<\/p>\n

    And you should take a hard look at yourself. Something is very wrong when you reduce an incident such as this to \u201cI\u2019m not giving you a red cent!\u201d and a level of hostility to your sister that rises to your self-righteous assertion that she\u2019s lucky you\u2019re not (yet?) planning to sue her. If your disdain for her long predates this harrowing event, why did you leave her in charge of your children while you went out of town for a wedding? (Unless it wasn\u2019t so much that you were entrusting them to her, but rather that it was a punishment for her past misdeeds.)<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My 7-year-old\u2019s father (my ex-husband) grew up amongst outgoing friends who constantly interrupted, talked over one another, competed for the wittiest remark, and thought nothing of all of it. Even now, as an adult, these are the type of friends he\u2019s drawn to, which has resulted in him thinking this is \u201cnormal\u201d behavior.<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":226492,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,251,4757,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-226491","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-kids","11":"tag-parenting","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115203461271115041","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/226491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=226491"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/226491\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/226492"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=226491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=226491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=226491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}