After not speaking to me for four years, my ex-boyfriend Adam texts me that he\u2019s in town and asks to get lunch. Before I think about how badly this person mistreated me during our 2\u00bd-year relationship, the damage he caused to my confidence and self-worth, I\u2019m typing the word \u201cCanter\u2019s.\u201d <\/p>\n
Then I text a joke about menu items, and he responds, \u201cYou\u2019ve upped your funny game.\u201d And the whiplash of this incredibly blatant person is suddenly back in my life. <\/p>\n
When we were dating back in Chicago, he never came to my comedy shows and barely even acknowledged that I did comedy, which sent the message that he didn\u2019t think I was funny. (And wow, how generous is he to say that I\u2019m kind of funny now! ) But this is the new me four years later, and I\u2019m not going to let his comment hurt my feelings. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m confident. I\u2019m in charge. So I text him back: \u201cEverything\u2019s been upped.\u201d<\/p>\n
I meet him at Canter\u2019s<\/a> on Fairfax Avenue, a place too pure for this rendezvous, and am surprised by his appearance. He looks 20 years older than he did four years ago. In my head, I\u2019m thinking, \u201cThis makes sense. The ugliness within him has deteriorated his physical body.\u201d It may not be a great sign that I think this person is so ugly on the inside that it\u2019s rotting his outside. And yet there I was.<\/p>\n Table for two, please! I sit across from him and notice the twinkle in his eye is gone. It\u2019s that twinkle that got me into this mess in the first place. He would look at me, and I would be so taken by his fun, mischievous, unpredictability. I\u2019m relieved the twinkle is gone, so I can remain in control! I\u2019m also relieved because perhaps that means he\u2019s now on some medication. <\/p>\n During our relationship, he had intense mood swings but never sought treatment other than copious amounts of Miller High Life, which \u2014 get this \u2014 made things worse. He would become a terror. Sometimes he would pretend to be a baby, like a literal baby, talking like one, acting helpless, rolling around on the floor. Other times, he\u2019d relish saying mean things or picking fights. His buddies even had a nickname for him when he turned evil: Bad Adam.<\/p>\n Sitting across from him at Canter\u2019s, I also notice he appears to be a bit cross-eyed, which I find ironic because I always thought he had a wandering eye. I\u2019m serious: He would constantly flirt with other women while we were dating, constantly compare me to his exes. One time he implied that I wasn\u2019t as smart as his ex because I \u201cdidn\u2019t read as many books.\u201d <\/p>\n I\u2019ll never forget the time I heard him speak to a female friend on the phone in a way I\u2019d never been spoken to before \u2014 so sweet. To me, he was dismissive. Every time he sneezed, I would say, \u201cBless you,\u201d and he wouldn\u2019t respond. I thought, \u201cMaybe he doesn\u2019t know that\u2019s the standard exchange?\u201d Then one time, he sneezed, and my cousin said, \u201cBless you.\u201d And he said, \u201cThank you.\u201d I couldn\u2019t believe it. This whole time \u2014 every sneeze \u2014 he had been ignoring me. <\/p>\n I tell him I live alone (I had recently ended a long-term relationship), and he very obviously lights up. That\u2019s when I accept that this lunch might be more than just a catchup. He then acknowledges he wasn\u2019t the best boyfriend and that he feared he \u201cruined men\u201d for me.<\/p>\n I want to say, \u201cThe only thing you ruined for me was you!\u201d But I don\u2019t because now he\u2019s tearing up. The only other time I\u2019ve seen him cry was when he broke up with me (the first time) because I \u201cdidn\u2019t get mad at him enough.\u201d <\/p>\n We end up splitting the check. I tell him I\u2019m pursuing comedy here in L.A., and he asks if I have any shows happening while he\u2019s in town. I actually do have an improv show at Upright Citizens Brigade<\/a>, but it\u2019s a huge gamble to invite him to it. It\u2019s improv and I\u2019m new to it. But maybe I can finally show him what I\u2019m capable of. I invite him! <\/p>\n The improv show has a rough start. It\u2019s Memorial Day, so we hand out candy at the beginning of the show for some godforsaken reason, and then we can\u2019t hear what anyone is saying onstage because the candy being unwrapped is so loud. Finally, the noise dies down, and I lock in. I tell my scene partner, \u201cYou never gave me a single compliment!\u201d This is something I want Adam to hear, of course. <\/p>\n I\u2019m not brave enough to say it to his face, so I\u2019ll say it in a make-believe breakup scene. \u201cYou never even told me you loved me!\u201d I boldly say as I waddle because I\u2019m also playing a penguin. The laughter is tepid at best. <\/p>\n After the show, my improv teammates and I head to a bar, and I invite Adam. He agrees to join but acts like he doesn\u2019t want to be there. Once again, I feel like I\u2019m not good enough. Old me would have internalized this, but four-years-later me is annoyed. I\u2019m actually amazed at how rude he\u2019s behaving, how overtly he\u2019s ignoring my friends. He makes a phone call, and I hear him say, \u201cI\u2019m somewhere I don\u2019t want to be.\u201d<\/p>\n We stand in awkward silence at Birds<\/a> on Franklin Avenue, and I\u2019m really kicking myself for this whole escapade. Why did I agree to lunch? To show him how well I\u2019m doing? Maybe I thought he\u2019d be a better version of himself, and we could start something anew? But he\u2019s actually a worse version. Or I\u2019m just seeing him more clearly. What I really want is for him to stop having any power over me. I want to be rid of him. And then he turns to me and says, \u201cWill you marry me?\u201d <\/p>\n And I say, \u201cWhat?\u201d <\/p>\n It\u2019s the most absurd thing I\u2019ve ever heard. And then he repeats himself, \u201cWill you marry me.\u201d <\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I say, my disbelief apparent. He\u2019s quiet, then he turns around and heads for the door. Then he throws his arms into the air and shouts, \u201cI\u2019m freeee!\u201d Like how a child might say \u201cWheeee!\u201d while being pushed around in a shopping cart. <\/p>\n Did I just release him from a curse? Wait, does he actually think he was the cursed one here? I feel as though I\u2019ve been the one trapped in this hell, trying to impress this guy for seven years. I always got so little from him and assumed there was always a chance to get more. More attention, more validation, more love. <\/p>\n That\u2019s why I got lunch with him. It was a chance for more. But this haphazard proposal, with no ring, no reason, at a random bar? And then he doesn\u2019t get the response he wants and runs out flailing, like a toad that finally got turned back into a man? I\u2019m the one who\u2019s been set free now that it\u2019s abundantly clear: There is no more.<\/p>\n The author is a stand-up comedian, writer and filmmaker in Los Angeles. She\u2019s on Instagram at @alexajloftus<\/a> and on TikTok at @alexajloftus<\/a>.<\/p>\n L.A. Affairs<\/a> chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com<\/a>. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here<\/a>.<\/p>\n