{"id":263681,"date":"2025-09-29T11:34:13","date_gmt":"2025-09-29T11:34:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/263681\/"},"modified":"2025-09-29T11:34:13","modified_gmt":"2025-09-29T11:34:13","slug":"my-fiance-wants-me-to-cut-back-on-working-out-his-reason-might-make-me-call-off-the-whole-wedding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/263681\/","title":{"rendered":"My fianc\u00e9 wants me to cut back on working out. His reason might make me call off the whole wedding."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I <\/strong>love exercise. I run every day, regularly work out, and go to spin classes. It\u2019s the only way I\u2019ve found to keep my mental health in check (I\u2019ve struggled with severe PTSD symptoms from a childhood accident), and it\u2019s great for my physical health. I like the way I look and how strong I feel. My fianc\u00e9 also likes the way I look, but he wants me to spend less time at the gym.<\/p>\n

He says it eats into our time together, which I would understand more if he didn\u2019t spend hours of our time together glued to his gaming console, ignoring me! He says that\u2019s not the same since we\u2019re physically in a room together. We have regular date nights, and most of my gym time takes place while he\u2019s at work (he works shifts, I work a 9-to-5) or early in the morning.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve pointed out that he has actually complained the past two Christmas periods when I\u2019ve put on weight. I don\u2019t keep up my routine for the latter part of December and early January due to various family plans, and because I like taking the festive season to indulge. The last two years, he made comments about being less attracted to me when I got slightly heavier (he\u2019s naturally skinny and stays that way). I told him that less exercise means I\u2019ll gain more weight, which he doesn\u2019t like, and I\u2019ll be less happy, which I don\u2019t like. His response: \u201cCouldn\u2019t you just eat less instead?\u201d I asked how that would make me happier (I love eating and hate diets!), and he just responded by talking about his friend\u2019s girlfriend. He then talked about how I couldn\u2019t keep this up after we were married and had kids. I\u2019ve always been on the fence about having children, though I\u2019ve said I\u2019m open to the possibility down the line (we\u2019re both 24). I got angry then and said I wasn\u2019t changing my life and health for a hypothetical situation years from now, and he finally admitted his concern is that I\u2019m \u201ckeeping fit to be hot to other guys.\u201d<\/p>\n

This was the last straw for me, and I went to stay with my parents for the night. I came back the next day, and we haven\u2019t discussed it again, aside from him making irritating remarks when I talk about gym class, and me pointing out that it would be nice to still fit into my wedding dress in six months. Our relationship is great in other ways\u2014we make each other laugh and bond over our love of sci-fi, we like cooking for each other, etc. But this has made me so angry that it\u2019s hard to think about almost anything else, and my best friend says it\u2019s a huge red flag. Is this something we can resolve? Should I be panicking here? Please give me an outside view!<\/p>\n

\u2014Boyfriend Wants a Thin Girlfriend<\/p>\n

Dear Boyfriend Wants a Thin Girlfriend,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, you should panic. No, you can\u2019t resolve this. It\u2019s not just that you two are at an impasse over your gym schedule\u2014it\u2019s all the feelings behind your fianc\u00e9\u2019s position. They are terrible! He is terrible!<\/p>\n

He wants you to stop doing something that makes you feel good. He has straight-up told you he is going to stop being attracted to you when (yes, it\u2019s probably a when, not an if) you gain weight. He\u2019s comparing you to other women. He\u2019s insulted you to your face. He\u2019s hateful, he\u2019s delusional, he\u2019s a jackass, and he isn\u2019t even smart enough to keep this all under wraps until you\u2019re married. Please leave him to play video games and lust after his friend\u2019s wife alone.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife and I are in our mid-60s and are fortunate to have a close-knit core friend group, most of whom we\u2019ve known since high school. We are like family in so many ways, including the occasional lost soul whom we probably wouldn\u2019t have chosen as a friend today, but continue to love, even with all her faults.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re now planning a group canoe trip, and said lost soul, \u201cJackie,\u201d volunteered to design t-shirts for the occasion. She asked me for some ideas. I won\u2019t say I\u2019m always the most creative guy in the world, but in this case, I have to give myself credit. I came up with the perfect idea, which was not only funny and appropriate for the trip, but also touching in a very personal way to the group. I sent her the idea and didn\u2019t give it much thought.<\/p>\n

Fast forward a couple of months, and Jackie has just sent around a group message in our WhatsApp group with a mockup of exactly the idea I gave her, taking full credit for it. My wife was livid and felt I should tell everyone what she had done. (It hasn\u2019t helped that everyone has been praising Jackie\u2019s wonderful idea.) Although I was annoyed, I decided against saying anything, as it would do no one any good. My wife reluctantly agreed.<\/p>\n

Now, however, Jackie is taking orders and shirt sizes, and planning all sorts of (mostly bad) ideas for group photos of everyone wearing the shirts. This is a bridge too far for me. I\u2019m willing to avoid \u201couting\u201d her for stealing my idea, but I won\u2019t go so far as to actively participate in her deception. Which means everyone is going to start asking why my wife and I didn\u2019t order the shirts. I really don\u2019t want to make a big deal of this, but I also won\u2019t lie. Suggestions on how to navigate this?<\/p>\n

\u2014Trying to Be Responsible<\/p>\n

Dear Responsible,<\/strong><\/p>\n

This would have been easy to clarify right away with a message to the group chat that said: \u201cThe mockups look great, Jackie! Thank you for choosing my idea and making it look so good.\u201d Even now, you could say something like, \u201cI love the idea of all of us posing on the beach, but I\u2019m not sure about the human pyramid. Anyway, I can\u2019t wait to see the shirts. Thanks for making my idea a reality.\u201d It\u2019s totally possible that she didn\u2019t intend to take credit, and she will say, \u201cYes, everyone, Jim came up with this! Please thank hi,m\u201d and you can enjoy the canoe trip.<\/p>\n

But this isn\u2019t really about the t-shirts, is it? You have described Jackie as a \u201clost soul\u201d who you wouldn\u2019t choose as a friend. You say you \u201clove\u201d her, but I have my doubts. You\u2019ve been on this earth for over 60 years, so I\u2019m surprised you don\u2019t already know that you should be very particular about who you travel with, and should never do trips with people whose company you don\u2019t enjoy. A person who irritates you at home will make you irate out of town, when there\u2019s so much more contact and coordination involved. It was a mistake to plan a vacation with her \u201cand all her faults,\u201d and now you\u2019re seeing why. If it wasn\u2019t the t-shirts, it would have been something else\u2014that she didn\u2019t help pitch tents, kept dropping her oar while canoeing, borrowed your mosquito repellent and used too much, or woke up late and delayed the day\u2019s itinerary.<\/p>\n

It sounds like the wheels are in motion for this trip, so get your credit for the t-shirt design and power through. But when it comes to your next vacation\u2014and maybe even your everyday friendships\u2014be more selective. You don\u2019t want to be constantly annoyed while you\u2019re supposed to be enjoying time with friends, and Jackie deserves friends who truly like her.<\/p>\n

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife\u2019s mother has mobility issues, and we had her move in with us a few months ago. It\u2019s not working out. My mother-in-law has tried to take over the entire household. She tells us that we can\u2019t watch certain TV shows or movies because she finds them \u201cupsetting.\u201d I\u2019m not talking about a TV that\u2019s in a common area. She doesn\u2019t want us watching anything she doesn\u2019t approve of, even in private.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    I\u2019m Having a Hard Time Climaxing. The Solution Is Right in Front of My Wife\u2019s Face \u2026 and Yet!
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    My Wife\u2019s Halloween Candy Policy Makes Me See Red. But This Year, I Have a Plan.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    My Mom Wants to Partake in a Classic Modern Grandparent Tradition. It\u2019s Not Going to Happen.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    My Ex-Boyfriend Has a Deeply Weird Way of \u201cUsing\u201d the Women He\u2019s Dated. I\u2019m Afraid I\u2019m Next.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    And then there\u2019s the food. My MIL is vegan and has declared that our entire household will be as well. I don\u2019t care what her dietary preferences are, but as far as I\u2019m concerned, she has no right to tell me as an adult what I can or can\u2019t put in my mouth. She opens our mail without permission. She demands that it be lights out at no later than 10 p.m. As you can imagine, there have been numerous blow-ups between us. My wife has asked me to accommodate her mother, saying, \u201cShe just has her quirks.\u201d SHE is living with US rent-free, and I\u2019m not going to be treated like a 7-year-old in MY OWN HOME. Should I give my wife an ultimatum that her mother go live elsewhere or I\u2019m done, or should I just start apartment hunting?<\/p>\n

    \u2014Living in a House No Longer My Own<\/p>\n

    Dear Living in a House,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    When I do the Prudie Chat<\/a> with Slate\u2019s Lizzie O\u2019Leary<\/a>, she often suggests speaking to people the way modern parenting advice would suggest talking to a toddler. That could apply here.<\/p>\n

    You might try something like, \u201cWow, it sounds like you really wish you could choose what I watch on TV. But this is actually going to be my choice. Yeah, I know that\u2019s hard to hear!\u201d and then just move on. Or, \u201cYou really want lights out at 10 p.m. That\u2019s not going to happen. I wonder what you could do to have a 10 p.m. bedtime in your own room?\u201d Or, \u201cI noticed you can\u2019t stop opening the mail, so I\u2019ve put a lock on the mailbox. When you think you can only open your own mail, maybe we\u2019ll take the lock off and try again.\u201d<\/p>\n

    <\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n

    \n Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris
    \n Help! There\u2019s a Dark Reason Why I Moved to My New Town. No One Knows.
    \n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

    <\/a><\/p>\n

    You can keep living your life as an adult, making your own choices, while keeping up a veneer of civility and not becoming the bad guy. If your wife decides that anyone who\u2019s married to her has to let her mother dictate everything they do, she\u2019s the one who should issue an ultimatum.<\/p>\n

    Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

    Over the holidays I got engaged. My boyfriend has clinical depression, and the holidays are rough on him. I was going to break up with him, but I held off, thinking it would be easier after the holidays. Then he surprised me\u2014at his parents\u2019 house in front of his whole family\u2014with a ring. I didn\u2019t see how to say no without humiliating him in front of his family, so I accepted. I\u2019ve been trying to break it off ever since, but something always stops me\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get advice on manners and morals in your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I love exercise. I run every day, regularly…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":263682,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[600,31195,29396,158,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-263681","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-technology","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dating-and-relationships","10":"tag-dear-prudence","11":"tag-technology","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115287377314290341","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/263681","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=263681"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/263681\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/263682"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=263681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=263681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=263681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}