{"id":267012,"date":"2025-09-30T17:09:12","date_gmt":"2025-09-30T17:09:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/267012\/"},"modified":"2025-09-30T17:09:12","modified_gmt":"2025-09-30T17:09:12","slug":"my-son-hasnt-seen-his-father-in-11-years-i-havent-lied-to-him-about-why-but-i-havent-been-honest-it-might-be-time-to-come-clean","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/267012\/","title":{"rendered":"My son hasn’t seen his father in 11 years. I haven’t lied to him about why, but I haven’t been honest. It might be time to come clean."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? <\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My 12-year-old son has not seen his father since we divorced and he moved about seven hours north, 11 years ago. Backstory: Both paternal grandparents and all three of his father\u2019s siblings were drug addicts. When I found out that his father was also using drugs, after we had moved across the country to leave behind that toxic situation, I filed for divorce.<\/p>\n

When my son was younger, I always explained his father\u2019s absence by saying, \u201cYour dad loved you so much but knew he wasn\u2019t able to be a parent. He knew that Mommy loved you and would be able to take care of you always.\u201d This felt like an adequate explanation for a small child, and since he rarely asked questions about his father, I never really went any deeper with it. Now that we are nearing the teen years, I feel like I should give him a more fleshed-out history. I also worry about the genetic predisposition to addiction; from a clinical perspective, this information is necessary for the choices he will be faced with making in the upcoming years.
Should I bring up this history in our conversations about why his father, or anyone else from his father\u2019s family, is not in his life? I\u2019m worried that telling him will make him feel like he is genetically cursed, potentially making drugs more likely.<\/p>\n

But I also worry that not saying it will make it seem like it was a shameful secret we tried to bury. He has a dad who\u2019s been in his life since he was 2, a little brother who adores him. Maybe he just isn\u2019t interested in knowing about a family he never knew.<\/p>\n

\u2014Let Sleeping Dogs Lie<\/p>\n

Dear LSDL,<\/strong><\/p>\n

You can tell your son the truth. There is nothing inherently shameful about the fact that his father was an addict. Addiction destroys families because it is a personal, physical, and some may even say spiritual sickness that makes its sufferers sacrifice everything they would want to hold dear, including those they love. Addiction is terrible. But it is no more shameful than cancer, and it does not need to be a secret.<\/p>\n

So if and when your son asks, you can be honest. You can say, \u201cYour father had the disease of addiction, and it made it very difficult for him to show up for you and love you as you deserved to be loved. I\u2019m sure he would have liked to have done better, but he could not. And the good news is that I am able to be here and love you and your dad is able to be here and love you, and we always will.\u201d<\/p>\n

As for the hereditary aspect of addiction, I understand from personal experience that this is a real concern for many families. But the unfortunate truth is that the science on this is\u00a0equivocal<\/a>\u00a0at best. And there is nothing you can say or not say to your son that will guarantee he won\u2019t try drugs, or even become addicted. Obviously this doesn\u2019t stop us from trying. We tell our children that drugs can have a way of ruining lives for some people, many people, and that no one whose life was destroyed ever thought it was going to happen to them. Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. And we hope these words have an impact. And they may. But there is no way to guarantee it.<\/p>\n

As parents we cannot live too far in the future no matter how much we would like to. Right now, today, you have a safe and happy child who is loved and supported. That\u2019s all you need for today. You can be assured that he is off to a much better start and in better hands than his father was.<\/p>\n

\u2014Carvell Wallace<\/p>\n

From: What Do I Say to a 13-Year-Old Friend of the Family Who\u2019s Madly in Love \u2026 With Me?<\/a>(January 16th, 2018). <\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have been divorced from my son\u2019s father since my son was 1. We have shared custody in which my son spends every other weekend, parts of the summers, and school vacations with his father. I have always encouraged his father to spend as much time with him as possible, and there have been very few issues regarding custody.<\/p>\n

My son is now 12 and in seventh grade. In our town, he has a choice between two high schools: one that is traditional, and the other is specialized and will teach him a trade. I was curious which school he might like to attend, and he brought up that he\u2019d had this conversation with his father already. Apparently his father and stepmom (who is a foreigner) are encouraging my son to go to a high school in their town and live with them.<\/p>\n

This angers me for two reasons. One, his father should have spoken to me about this before bringing it up to our son. I don\u2019t want to get his hopes up only for plans to fall through. Two, my son has lived with me and my husband his whole life. We have raised him to be a competent, respectful, and helpful young man. But like any 12-year-old, he has his faults. I don\u2019t feel like his overly lenient father can provide him the parenting a teenager will require.<\/p>\n

How do I broach this conversation with his passive-aggressive father and nosy stepmom? I feel like they are trying to take my son from me.<\/p>\n

\u2014Already Missing My Son<\/p>\n

Dear AMMS,<\/strong><\/p>\n

You say that your son has a choice of two high schools to attend, but the reality is that he has a choice of three: the two in your town and the one in his father\u2019s town. That\u2019s right. He has a choice about where he wants to go to school and also where he wants to live. It\u2019s entirely understandable not to like that. But in this case, not liking something doesn\u2019t make it wrong or unfair.<\/p>\n

Your use of the phrase \u201ctrying to take my son from me\u201d implies that he somehow belongs more to you than he does to his father. And I wonder if and why you feel that way. Nothing in your letter explains why his dad should have less of a right to him than you do. Your kid has two parents. You are one of them. (Surely this can\u2019t be related to your bizarrely xenophobic comment that your husband\u2019s partner is a \u201cforeigner.\u201d You know that \u201cforeigners\u201d also successfully have and raise kids, don\u2019t you?) Your son\u2019s dad has every right to suggest that your son come and live with him in high school. And while I agree that it would have been much kinder of him to bring this up to you before he brought it up to your son, the cat\u2019s out of the bag now.<\/p>\n

Your son is in seventh grade, and he doesn\u2019t have to make this decision for a year. Even though the topic was introduced in a less-than-ideal way, it is good that it\u2019s out in the open. This is a big decision and would require serious transition. Having it introduced now gives everyone a chance to sit with it for a while. Your son may be leaning toward it now, but against it later. You may be leaning against it now, but come around later. Either way, your ex did you all a favor by jumping the gun.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My Mom Wants to Partake in a Classic Modern Grandparent Tradition. It\u2019s Not Going to Happen.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! My Fianc\u00e9 Wants Me to Cut Back on Working Out. His Reason Might Make Me Call Off the Whole Wedding.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    The Neighbor Kids Keep Trespassing on Our Property. Their Parents\u2019 Response Is Unhinged.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! My Son Shared a \u201cFunny\u201d Sleepover Story. Then I Heard What They Did to the Dog.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    But the one thing I would remind you is that your son\u2019s wishes in this matter should be considered very important, perhaps the most important of anyone\u2019s. You don\u2019t like his father\u2019s parenting style, but there\u2019s no indication that it\u2019s a bad or dangerous one. Just not what you prefer. I\u2019m sure he has some opinions about your choices as well. (As you know, that\u2019s the wonderful world of co-parenting with an ex.) The point here is that your son spends significant time in his father\u2019s household. He comes back happy and in one piece, and is so comfortable there that he\u2019s considering moving there for high school. What is being suggested here is a change in the custody agreement; in most states, courts will take both households into account as well as your son\u2019s preferences as they decide whether or not to grant it. That is, if you want to take it to court. I would remind you that it\u2019s not necessary to do that yet, and probably better not to do it at all. No kid deserves to see their parents fighting one another in court. It\u2019s clear you care deeply for your son, so you should try with all your might to avoid that.<\/p>\n

    The pain you feel is understandable, and legitimate, and real. But don\u2019t make your son organize his life around it. There may be very good reasons he wants to spend more time with his father. Let him do what he wants to do with this situation and let him know that you will love and support him always. I wish you good luck.<\/p>\n

    \u2014C.W.<\/p>\n

    From: When Should I Call Out My Child\u2019s Teacher\u2019s Racist Comments? <\/a>(February 28th, 2018).<\/p>\n

    Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

    I am getting married to the love of my life next summer, and my parents have graciously offered to pay for our wedding. But if I ask my brother\u2019s fianc\u00e9e to be one of my bridesmaids, I\u2019m worried that my parents may refuse to pay. My parents and brother are estranged, and have had very limited contact for several years. Their relationship is tumultuous, and I\u2019ve done my best to stay out of it, but frequently I do something that makes my parents think I\u2019ve formed some sort of alliance with my brother. These \u201cinfractions\u201d have included attending their daughter\u2019s birthday party, taking photos with her and posting them on Facebook, and going out to dinner with them. This has caused me to also have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents for the past year or so. I want my brother\u2019s fianc\u00e9e to be a bridesmaid and their daughter to be a flower girl, but that also has the potential to cause a big problem. <\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":267013,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,246,210,251,4757,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-267012","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-kids","12":"tag-parenting","13":"tag-united-states","14":"tag-unitedstates","15":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115294356501306830","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/267012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=267012"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/267012\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/267013"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=267012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=267012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=267012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}