{"id":269880,"date":"2025-10-01T18:56:14","date_gmt":"2025-10-01T18:56:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/269880\/"},"modified":"2025-10-01T18:56:14","modified_gmt":"2025-10-01T18:56:14","slug":"my-husband-swears-that-what-he-does-with-other-women-online-is-harmless-its-tearing-me-apart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/269880\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband swears that what he does with other women online is harmless. It’s tearing me apart."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Jessica and Rich here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband likes to view porn and will often make comments on women\u2019s nudes. During the pandemic, this worsened.<\/p>\n

He would be looking at posts of women and commenting on them while sitting right next to me. He would also engage in kinky chats with them. I blew up at him when I noticed him messaging during a family function. I told him how much it hurts me to see him messaging strangers how beautiful they are, but not saying the same things to me. He told me that he\u2019s helping these women with their self-esteem, but these women have OnlyFans and other pay site pages on their profiles. He also says it\u2019s just a fantasy and has no bearing on what he feels for me.<\/p>\n

We are going to both individual and couples counseling, and my husband was diagnosed with ADHD, which can affect impulse control. He told me he would pursue these sites less and hasn\u2019t done so when I\u2019m around, but I know he\u2019s still texting women because I have caught him messaging on Instagram and Reddit. Do I ignore the chats since we have made improvements in our marriage overall? I still feel inadequate.<\/p>\n

\u2014Sitting Next to You Yet Alone<\/p>\n

Dear Sitting Next to You Yet Alone,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before I dive in, I recommend you read this essay from Laurie Penny on the different phenomena of autism and assholery<\/a>. Autism and ADHD are two different (though often co-occurring) diagnoses, but I still think this might offer some valuable insight\u2014namely, that neurodiversity does not preclude a person from sometimes also simply being a jerk.<\/p>\n

While difficulties with impulse control are often a part of ADHD, there\u2019s more going on here. Your husband says he\u2019s helping these women with their self-esteem. That\u2019s either an outrageous amount of ego on his part or a marketing tactic on the part of these women. OK, maybe it\u2019s the latter case, and he\u2019s very naive. But he also claims it\u2019s just \u201cfantasy,\u201d which indicates that if this self-esteem nonsense is a marketing maneuver, he\u2019s well aware of it\u2014so then why is he reaching for an aspect of their roleplay as his first justification?<\/p>\n

I do believe that your husband\u2019s interest in porn, commenting on women\u2019s posts, and engaging in erotic chats with them is separate from his feelings for and attraction to you. What is absolutely not separate, though, is doing all of this during time with you, including at a family function, or after you\u2019ve made it clear to him that you\u2019re uncomfortable with it. I\u2019m also less than enthused by the fact that he reserves his positive commentary for other women and doesn\u2019t extend the same appreciative language to you. Do you not also have self-esteem, which could be boosted by hearing that your husband finds you attractive?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya
\n My Boyfriend Is Hurt By What It Takes for Me to Orgasm. I Can\u2019t Help It!
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    To circle back to the \u201cat family gatherings\u201d and \u201cdespite having agreed to slow down\u201d aspects of the issue, yes, this could be due to having a hard time controlling his impulses. That\u2019s something a professional can help with. Some people find that medication works well for them, while others prefer to rely on building skills. You can inquire whether he\u2019s working on this in individual therapy, let him know that help is possible, and even, if he wants, text him a helpful reminder to bring this up as he\u2019s walking into his next session, but it\u2019s up to him to follow through. Do not become his nagging neurodiversity nanny.<\/p>\n

    As for whether to ignore the chats, it seems like the agreement was for him to reduce the amount of time he spends engaging in these activities, and it sounds like he has done so. More importantly, though, is the question of whether the two of you can tackle the contradictory ways he dismisses your feelings and concerns around this, and the absence of praise for your own beauty.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Jessica<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My husband has a sexual superpower, and it is exhausting. He has no refractory period after having an orgasm. He prefers three-plus orgasms during a sexual encounter with me, ideally, five, but will settle for two.<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":269881,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-269880","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-slate-plus","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115300439566171788","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269880","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=269880"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/269880\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/269881"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=269880"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=269880"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=269880"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}