{"id":31125,"date":"2025-07-01T23:44:10","date_gmt":"2025-07-01T23:44:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/31125\/"},"modified":"2025-07-01T23:44:10","modified_gmt":"2025-07-01T23:44:10","slug":"i-just-turned-down-one-of-my-boyfriends-requests-in-bed-for-the-first-time-his-reaction-is-frustrating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/31125\/","title":{"rendered":"I just turned down one of my boyfriend’s requests in bed for the first time. His reaction is frustrating."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Jessica and Rich here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

My boyfriend wants to be pegged. I am usually pretty open to trying things, but for some reason, this is a hard no for me. The thought actively turns me off. My boyfriend is having a hard time accepting my hard no because so far I haven\u2019t turned him down for anything else. How do I get it through his stubborn head that this is not going to happen?<\/p>\n

\u2014GGG Until Now<\/p>\n

Dear Until Now,<\/strong><\/p>\n

The first time we say no to someone is often when we find out how they actually act when it comes to respecting the boundaries of others. This is one of those moments that tells you something important about who you\u2019re dating. Are they able to hear you saying, \u201cNo\u201d and accept that? Or are they going to push, wheedle, and whine until they break down your resolve? And, for the record, engaging in acts that are a hard no for you (for whatever reason) strikes me as going beyond good, giving, and game<\/a>.<\/p>\n

At the end of the day, whether he\u2019s fixated on an actual fetish or simply self-absorbed, you may not be able to get through to your boyfriend that pegging isn\u2019t on the table. From there, you\u2019ll have to decide whether you want to leave the relationship. You do get to choose your path forward here. Go ahead and weigh what you get out of the relationship and how important it is to you. Consider whether your boyfriend\u2019s stubbornness has caused difficulties in other areas, and whether there have been other instances\u2014maybe outside of your sex lives\u2014where he\u2019s steamrolled your boundaries or even preferences. Once you\u2019ve thought through the whole dynamic, a single ultimatum is worth a try. Something along the lines of, \u201cI\u2019ve said this is a hard limit for me on multiple occasions, and if you continue to pursue this, I will end our relationship\u201d should suffice.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife, a 33-year-old woman, and I, a 36-year-old man, got married six months ago after a three-year dating period. It\u2019s the best choice I\u2019ve ever made in my life, and she\u2019s the light of my life.<\/p>\n

She was always a little concerned about her body image. Before the wedding, it got more intense as she went on a big kick to get herself thin for the \u201cperfect\u201d wedding dress. She looked amazing, and I did my best to support her in that process. After the wedding, during the honeymoon, and after, she stopped counting calories for the first time since I got to know her. As a result, she\u2019s easily put on maybe 30 to 40 pounds, and I cannot tell you how much I\u2019ve enjoyed this process.<\/p>\n

Eating dinner and splitting desserts with her has made dinners more fun, getting drunk-ish with her a couple of times a month has been a shared joy, and she\u2019s been more inclined to let loose. If I\u2019m honest, she looks better for it. She still eats a healthy balance of foods, and she hasn\u2019t stopped exercising, but she doesn\u2019t do either of those things with the fanatic attention or self-starving ethos she once had (and maybe concerns me in retrospect). She\u2019s still the woman I fell in love with and wanted to marry, but more carefree, less on-edge, and simply happier.<\/p>\n

The problem is that she keeps mentioning the weight as stuff that \u201cneeds to go.\u201d When I compliment her looks, she will describe this stage as \u201ctemporary\u201d and even made the joke that I need to say \u201cgoodbye\u201d to her breast growth. When I\u2019ve tried to bring up her change in mood, it gets shut down by her getting concerned about the appearance of her thighs or other parts of her body. Every time I try to be positive about her body, she will immediately start nitpicking and almost spiraling. On one hand, I love this woman and will support her in just about any choice she makes about her appearance that isn\u2019t harmful to her health, and know that her relationship to self-image isn\u2019t one I can internalize but one I can empathize with and find pathways to be supportive of. On the other, I want to share my perspective that she\u2019s the happiest, most relaxed, and sexiest version of her that I\u2019ve known. Any ideas on how to approach this?<\/p>\n

\u2014Loving Her Any Way She Is<\/p>\n

Dear Loving Her Any Way She Is,<\/strong><\/p>\n

In your letter, you describe giving your wife compliments on her body, and also bringing up these recent changes to her mood. She might be receiving the latter as criticism of her mood and behavior in those previous moments. If you haven\u2019t tried this yet, you might lead with something closer to what you wrote in your second-to-last line\u2014plainly and simply stating what you appreciate about her mood at this time, and avoiding comparisons to previous times. Stay entirely focused on her demeanor and the way you perceive her level of happiness. I want to caution you to remember that we can state our perspectives, but we can\u2019t guarantee that the person we\u2019re expressing ourselves to will hear, much less internalize, what we\u2019re saying to them.<\/p>\n

Your wife, like many others who are unhappy with their bodies, has responded to your physically-driven compliments with self-criticism, so I\u2019d steer clear of those for a while. And framing positive feedback about her current state in terms of improvement over the past could be landing as negativity, crucially, about what she feels she has to do to have the body she prefers.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re absolutely correct that her body and her relationship to self-image are hers to sort through or change if she desires. Shoring up the self-esteem of our loved ones is often romanticized, but in reality, there\u2019s little we can do to instill in them a sense of satisfaction around something they\u2019re sensitive about. If you\u2019re looking for ways to be supportive, get curious about why a certain weight or shape means so much to her. Ask her how important being happy is, what gives her feelings of happiness, what \u201crelaxed\u201d means to her, and how much she values that, too. From there, you might understand more about where she\u2019s coming from or be able to support her happiness and relaxation in areas other than her relationship to her body.<\/p>\n

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!<\/p>\n

The columnists behind our new advice column,\u00a0Good Job<\/a>, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

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    My Kids Made a Scary Mistake on a Trip. I\u2019m Not Sure How to Handle the Fallout.
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    Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    My husband and I belong to a social circle where we all get together for an orgy on the weekends. Recently, one woman, \u201cBailey,\u201d asked if she could include her new boyfriend, \u201cRon.\u201d After talking it over with everyone, we agreed so long as Ron gets screened for STIs first. Bailey was insulted and got angry that we didn\u2019t think Ron was \u201cclean.\u201d I told her we are just being cautious and would ask this of any new person. This is a reasonable request, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

    \u2014Prudent<\/p>\n

    Dear Prudent,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Asking a new partner to get screened for STIs is absolutely a reasonable request.<\/p>\n

    Since Ron and Bailey are, presumably, having sex, I\u2019d circle back to Bailey and ask what was behind the reaction she had. Sure, it\u2019s great to work with members of any group we\u2019re a part of to understand moments where feelings were hurt and decide how to navigate them. Also, though, without knowing Ron\u2019s status for various STIs, you don\u2019t know what Becca is being exposed to and therefore may be bringing into the group.<\/p>\n

    <\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n

    \n Rich Juzwiak
    \n My Husband Bit Me During Sex. Is My Revenge Plan Taking It Too Far?
    \n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

    <\/a><\/p>\n

    If there was any use on the group\u2019s end of language such as \u201cclean,\u201d that would be something to apologize for before you dig into further discussion. If there wasn\u2019t, whoever Bailey is closest to in the group can simply reach out for a cozy, private chat and ask what happened.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Jessica<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I heard a story about my wife that has gotten hold of my fantasy brain and I can\u2019t get it out. I don\u2019t really understand why it\u2019s stuck there. We work together for our small business and have colleagues in common. At a recent work lunch, these colleagues were regaling the table with a story about my wife at a client dinner they all went to at a conference. I wasn\u2019t there. They talked about how she had a lot to drink and was so much fun and\u2014here\u2019s the sticky part for me\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":31126,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-31125","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-slate-plus","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/114780639714472786","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31125","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31125"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31125\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/31126"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31125"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31125"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31125"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}