{"id":325632,"date":"2025-10-23T04:53:16","date_gmt":"2025-10-23T04:53:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/325632\/"},"modified":"2025-10-23T04:53:16","modified_gmt":"2025-10-23T04:53:16","slug":"interview-with-nigerian-internet-service-providers-pt-2-wheres-the-internet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/325632\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers (PT. 2): Where\u2019s The Internet??"},"content":{"rendered":"

Interview With\u2026<\/a> is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes, it feels like the tag ISP\u2014Internet Service Provider \u2014means something else entirely because there\u2019s no actual \u201cproviding\u201d going on.\u00a0<\/p>\n

After a particularly frustrating week, Zikoko rounded up Nigeria\u2019s major ISPs to get to the root of the matter and ask one simple question: Where did our network go?<\/p>\n

[Zikoko arrives at a quaint bistro on the Mainland and spends fifteen minutes trying to pay the Uber driver because, of course, there\u2019s no network. The driver finally confirms payment, and Zikoko walks away, muttering unpleasant words for the unnecessary delay. Ahead, Airtel, MTN and Spectranet are already seated, their flashy colours drawing unwanted attraction. Zikoko joins the table and goes straight to business.]<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Zikoko: I see Glo and FiberOne are late.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Airtel<\/strong>: [bursts into giggles]<\/p>\n

Spectranet<\/strong>: Are you surprised?\u00a0<\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: They love an \u201cAfrican time\u201d arrival.<\/p>\n

Zikoko: Is that so?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Airtel: <\/strong>Yes\u2014<\/p>\n

Zikoko:\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t a question.\u00a0 Anyway, we\u2019ll start without them.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019d say \u201cgood afternoon,\u201d but there\u2019s nothing good about this afternoon.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Airtel<\/strong>: Easy tiger.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Zikoko: You must think I\u2019m here for jokes, right? It took me twenty minutes to pay my cab fare because none of you were working, and you have the audacity to tell me \u201ceasy\u201d. Are you\u2014\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Spectranet<\/strong>: Fifteen minutes actually.<\/p>\n

(Zikoko shoots Spectranet a stone-cold look)<\/p>\n

Zikoko: Excuse me?<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN (whispering): <\/strong>Guy, behave!<\/p>\n

Spectranet<\/strong>: What? I was counting.<\/p>\n

Zikoko: Since you guys are keeping tabs, can y\u2019all explain why your networks keep disappearing? Bloody hell!\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: First of all, I don\u2019t \u201cgo off.\u201d I simply select who deserves internet. If you have bad vibes, you buffer. Simple.<\/p>\n

Airtel<\/strong>: My users are soft life people. If I ever go off, it\u2019s because I\u2019m resting and they understand the importance of rest. All work and no play\u2014<\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: makes Jack an olodo.<\/p>\n

Zikoko (visibly irritated): Are you guys being for real?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Spectranet<\/strong>: Listen, I don\u2019t know what they\u2019re both on about. All I know is, Nigerians don\u2019t know how to use delicate devices. If you\u2019re treating your MiFi device like a ball of eba, how will it work? Have you tried putting it on a silk pillow strategically facing the North-West? No, yet you want good internet. SMH.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Zikoko: You guys are making no sense, and no one has answered the question. Why am I paying ridiculous sums for internet that shows up when it likes?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Unknown: <\/strong>Guys!!!<\/p>\n

(All meeting attendants, including Zikoko, turn a sharp gaze toward the entrance)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: Who is that one?<\/p>\n

Airtel<\/strong> (adjusts antenna)<\/strong>: Erm\u2026<\/p>\n

Spectranet: <\/strong>Oh, slow with pride.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Glo [Still shouting]<\/strong>: So you guys started without me?<\/p>\n

Zikoko: You arrived late and still want to create a scene. Is this the time we agreed on?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glo<\/strong>: Hey, it\u2019s better late than never, right?<\/p>\n

Zikoko: You honestly should have stayed at home. But now that you are here, can you explain why the network has been slow? I\u2019m not sure these other ones know what they\u2019re getting paid for.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: Easy tiger.<\/p>\n

Zikoko: If you call me tiger again, I\u2019ll involve the NCC. I have him on speed dial.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Airtel (mutters): <\/strong>It\u2019s giving military regime.<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: I\u2014<\/p>\n

Zikoko<\/strong>: Shhhh! Glo, answer the question, please.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Glo<\/strong>: Well, I can\u2019t speak for everybody, but last I checked, we still have paying customers. That must mean we\u2019re getting something right. Yes, the internet may be bad from time to time, but who no dey face challenges for this current Nigeria?\u00a0<\/p>\n

(MTN, Spectranet and Airtel break into thunderous applause)<\/p>\n

Zikoko (<\/strong>startled<\/strong>): What\u2019s going on here?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Airtel: <\/strong>I think you can hear him clearly? Everybody is going through it in Nigeria. You should be grateful we\u2019re even showing up at all.<\/p>\n

MTN & Airtel (together): <\/strong>Preach!\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Zikoko: I see what you people are trying to do. But it won\u2019t work. You collect my hard earned money and want to blame your poor service on Nigeria?<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Zikoko pulls out phone. Scrolls through contact list and lands on the FCCPC\u2019s number. But a deafening whirling sound envelopes the place. From a distance, FiberOne and Starlink climb down from a chopper.)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Spectranet (scoffs)<\/strong>: Always the one for drama. Abegii.<\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: Where did they see money for a chopper?<\/p>\n

Airtel<\/strong>: Maybe it\u2019s from all the money they saved from not giving their customers\u00a0 network. Rubbish and ingredients\u2014<\/p>\n

Glo<\/strong>: If you must hate, at least tell the truth. Their customers enjoy basic service. Above average if my sources are right.<\/p>\n

Zikoko<\/strong>: Listen, I\u2019m not interested in this side talk you people are on about. I want a solution, and if somebody doesn\u2019t provide one in the next minute, I\u2019m calling FCCPC.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Starlink and FiberOne take their seats, only acknowledging Zikoko)<\/p>\n

Zikoko: So gracious of you people to bless us with your presence. Now that you have arrived, do you know why paying customers cannot enjoy uninterrupted internet?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Starlink (adjusts<\/strong> outfit)<\/strong>: Well, I shouldn\u2019t even be here in the first place. F1 told me the povvos were meeting on the mainland yapping about low quality problems, and I thought to drop by. But since I\u2019m here and you\u2019ve posed the question, I only have one answer: Anyone with the financial\u2014<\/p>\n

Airtel: Ehn! What do you think you want to do? My friend will you keep quiet there!<\/strong><\/p>\n

MTN<\/strong>: Tell him o. Imagine the pompous goat trying to poach our customers.<\/p>\n

Glo<\/strong>: Genzs are all the same everywhere. They just want to come and take with no regard for the people before them.<\/p>\n

(Spectranet breaks into Sound Sultan\u2019s Bushmeat. MTN, Glo and Airtel join in)<\/p>\n

Zikoko (sighs): Guys, guys, guys\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Loud singing continues. Starlink and FiberOne storm out of the building.)<\/p>\n

Zikoko (speaking on phone): Hello, is this the FCCPC?<\/strong><\/p>\n

(On the other side of town, 9Mobile frantically jumps out of bed.)<\/p>\n

Zikoko: Wait, I think we forgot to about 9Mobile.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Them<\/strong>: Who???<\/p>\n

READ ALSO: Interview With Nigerian Internet Service Providers: \u201cLet Us Explain\u201d<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Interview With\u2026 is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":325633,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[712,158,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-325632","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-internet","8":"tag-internet","9":"tag-technology","10":"tag-united-states","11":"tag-unitedstates","12":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115421695771307366","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325632","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=325632"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/325632\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/325633"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=325632"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=325632"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=325632"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}