{"id":348285,"date":"2025-11-01T15:54:10","date_gmt":"2025-11-01T15:54:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/348285\/"},"modified":"2025-11-01T15:54:10","modified_gmt":"2025-11-01T15:54:10","slug":"i-babysit-my-granddaughter-as-soon-as-her-mom-leaves-the-house-her-dreadful-transformation-begins","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/348285\/","title":{"rendered":"I babysit my granddaughter. As soon as her mom leaves the house, her dreadful transformation begins."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am having a problem when babysitting my 11-year-old granddaughter, \u201cJane.\u201d<\/p>\n

I babysit occasionally, and whenever I do, she becomes difficult as soon as her mother leaves. She refuses to get dressed, screams at me when I ask her to get ready, slams her door, and then calls her mom, crying about how terrible I am.<\/p>\n

Even when the day is planned in advance, there is drama. Her mom tells her to behave, but she does not. Her parents don\u2019t live together, and I see her play one against the other\u2014she has learned to manipulate them. I\u2019m a very chill person and have no conflicts in any other area of my life, but I\u2019m straightforward, and Jane gets mad when she can\u2019t play me. Her mom has been doing \u201cgentle parenting,\u201d which seems to give all the power to the child \u2026 but what do I know? I dread the not-so-far-off teenage years if Jane\u2019s behavior is not dealt with soon. I\u2019m about done with this, but don\u2019t want to alienate my daughter or granddaughter. How do I deal with this situation?<\/p>\n

\u2014Frustrated Granny<\/p>\n

Dear Granny,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Eleven is a hard age for a lot of reasons, and babysitting for a kid that age is a no-win situation (unless you are a very, very cool 18-year-old she wants to be\u2014or at least be just like someday). The particular problem with which you\u2019re coming to me will go away very soon, as before long, she won\u2019t need a sitter at all. (Does she actually need one now? Laws vary from state to state in the U.S., and <\/a>children vary too, but leaving an 11-year-old at home alone for a few hours is not unheard of.<\/a> At 11, I was babysitting for other people\u2019s younger children! But that was 1,000 years ago.) Unless your daughter is gone for many hours, or overnight\u2014or Jane is frightened of being home alone\u2014I\u2019m interested in why her mother is sure she needs to be watched. Was it her mom\u2019s idea? Jane\u2019s? Yours?<\/p>\n

In any case, it will be three years at most before this is a non-issue.<\/p>\n

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    But for now, there is a problem that needs solving. If having a sitter was her mother\u2019s or your idea, I can imagine that one of the things that\u2019s going on is that Jane is rebelling against the very idea. But this is unlikely to be the only reason for the conflict. I would say that if she does need a sitter, you are not the right person for the job. The first thing her mom should try is getting someone who isn\u2019t you to be there with Jane. If it goes well (I highly recommend an older teenager or college student), you can go back to just being Grandma, not a substitute for her mom (and an enforcer of rules). If Jane needs to be sat for, and the reason you\u2019re the one doing that sitting is financial, perhaps you could offer to help with the cost, for the sake of your relationship with Jane.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m not suggesting that Jane doesn\u2019t love you, or that you don\u2019t love her \u201cenough.\u201d But it\u2019s clear that your style is very different from her mom\u2019s, and (especially at 11) she may be chafing at it. I can tell that you disapprove of gentle parenting\u2014but you don\u2019t get a vote on that: This is not your child. And therefore, I am puzzled by your \u201cdread\u201d of the teenage years ahead. They will not be your problem; if Jane\u2014like many teenagers\u2014is a handful, that\u2019s for her parents to \u201cdeal with.\u201d She will certainly not need a sitter by then.<\/p>\n

    <\/p>\n

    \"\"<\/p>\n

    \n Michelle Herman
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    <\/a><\/p>\n

    If, as a teenager, she annoys you, is unpleasant to you, or won\u2019t do as you say when you\u2019re a guest in your daughter\u2019s home, you can cut your visit short (and feel free to tell her why you\u2019re doing so). Or\u2014as my own grandmother did during my wretched 15th year, when I was hell to be around\u2014you can blithely ignore her behavior toward you and wait for the ugly period to pass. Once it does, if you have established a close and loving connection well in advance of that difficult time, you and she may well have a wonderful relationship (as I did with my grandma until the day she died, at 97).<\/p>\n

    So step away from the sitting. Step into being a loving grandmother who takes her beloved 11-year-old granddaughter on fun outings, and when she visits, hangs out with her without having to be the boss of her.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Michelle<\/p>\n

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    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":348286,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[600,246,251,4757,159,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-348285","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-science","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-kids","11":"tag-parenting","12":"tag-science","13":"tag-slate-plus","14":"tag-united-states","15":"tag-unitedstates","16":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115475255936620221","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/348285","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=348285"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/348285\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/348286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=348285"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=348285"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=348285"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}