{"id":35771,"date":"2025-07-03T16:44:08","date_gmt":"2025-07-03T16:44:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/35771\/"},"modified":"2025-07-03T16:44:08","modified_gmt":"2025-07-03T16:44:08","slug":"i-have-a-big-relationship-secret-im-keeping-from-all-my-friends-but-im-not-sure-i-can-do-it-anymore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/35771\/","title":{"rendered":"I have a big relationship secret I\u2019m keeping from all my friends. But I\u2019m not sure I can do it anymore."},"content":{"rendered":"

Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members<\/a>, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence, <\/strong><\/p>\n

I have been dating my lovely partner \u201cB\u201d for six months. They haven\u2019t met any of my friends yet: scheduling is a nightmare, we live an awkward distance apart, and college takes up basically all of our energy. I am working on organizing a get-together eventually, though not now. Complicating things, B is currently going through a severe depressive episode.
They have a mental health team, but it\u2019s been difficult. I guess I\u2019m asking a) how much can I share with my friends and b) if it\u2019s imperative to ask how much I can share, how do I phrase that information request delicately?<\/p>\n

On one hand, I feel like protecting privacy should come first, so I\u2019ve basically just told my friends that B\u2019s busy and had some mental health stuff going on in the vaguest terms. On the other hand, my therapist suggested I utilize my support network more since this has been really hard on me too (not more so than B, of course). Because my friends haven\u2019t even met B, I feel like not only would this be sharing information that\u2019s not mine to share, it\u2019s also messing with first impressions before they\u2019ve even all met. I\u2019m also afraid that asking B about how much stuff I can share on how they\u2019re doing with my friends will send them into a bad spiral about how their illness is affecting me and I should leave them (this has happened a couple times), as well as make them feel awkward around my friends when we finally make the time to meet.<\/p>\n

Again, B does have professional help, but things have just been really awful lately and nothing seems to be working. I love this person and want them to be well. I know they want to be well, too. We are trying our best. Please advise!<\/p>\n

\u2014What to Say?<\/p>\n

Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris<\/strong>: I admire this letter writer for trying to do the right thing here, because I wouldn\u2019t even think about it. After just six months with someone who may or may not last another six months, I\u2019m telling my friends (who I plan to have forever) everything. I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s right but I do think it\u2019s pretty normal.<\/p>\n

Lizzie O\u2019Leary<\/strong>: Wow. I also want to commend this LW for her thoughtfulness, because I probably would have already unloaded a lot of this on a friend or two by now. I have been trying to think through this. and I think there is a delicate balance to strike between getting the support that you, LW, genuinely need, and not biasing your friends against a partner they haven\u2019t met.<\/p>\n

Jen\u00e9e<\/strong>: I\u2019ve given credit for thoughtfulness, and I\u2019m not going to take it back, but as I reread the letter, what\u2019s jumping out at me is the letter writer\u2019s anxiety about not just the privacy aspect of this, but also a desire to control how it all turns out. She wants to make sure her friends like her partner and that her partner doesn\u2019t get triggered by a conversation about this. And I think my advice about that is that as hard as it is, you have to let it go. Things could go wrong with your relationship or your partner\u2019s mental health for any number of reasons. Or things could work out perfectly too! But you have to kind of let things unfold without being so afraid of making a mistake. If your relationship can\u2019t withstand you saying \u201cJust making sure it\u2019s not a secret that you\u2019re dealing with depression, in case it comes up in my life updates to me friends\u201d and if your friends hold a grudge against someone who (hopefully) makes you happy, that\u2019s a problem.<\/p>\n

Lizzie<\/strong>: So, as someone who has been both clinically depressed AND dated people who are clinically depressed, I think the LW can talk about this to her friends without asking for permission. Especially since that might set off a spiral (depressed people feel worthless as hell). She doesn\u2019t need to go deep into all her partner\u2019s issues, because that\u2019s not really the point here. The point is that the LW needs support. And so it\u2019s okay to talk about the things in her life that are difficult right now! This is \u2026 what friendship is for. I also think that a) we are at a place in society where there is a general understanding that sometimes People Go Through Some Shit, b) LW\u2019s friends are going to form an opinion anyway, and that will fluctuate over time and no one can control that. Check me on this, Jen\u00e9e, does the LW have to ask for an okay from her partner?<\/p>\n

Jen\u00e9e<\/strong>: The more I think about it, the more I think no. My big reading-between-the-lines conspiracy theory about this one is that the partner is not just depressed but also not treating her very well because of the depression (\u201cThis has been really hard on me\u201d could be doing a lot of work). And she is hesitant to share that with her friends because they may legitimately have a bad impression of her partner. So she is\u2014consciously or not\u2014looking for other reasons not to share.<\/p>\n

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    Lizzie<\/strong>: Ohhhhhh that is a very interesting reading! You may be right. I guess it\u2019s a question of how much LW needs the support. Because I think someone who is feeling really bad about themselves might not be able to see the request to share as anything other than a referendum on them. So the LW would really need to lean into \u201cthis is about me and wanting to talk about my feelings.\u201d And I am not sure how the partner will take that. So, yeah, share, but be discreet.<\/p>\n

    Jen\u00e9e<\/strong>: Yeah, I think she should just organize a brunch and give her life updates and get the support she needs. Maybe it\u2019s \u201cThey\u2019ve been depressed and it\u2019s been hard because I care so much about them\u201d or maybe it\u2019s \u201cThey\u2019ve been depressed and there are days when that makes them really mean to me and they say they can\u2019t see a future with me because of it.\u201d I mean she doesn\u2019t have to include medication doses and side effects of anything. But if your therapist says to lean on your friends, do it! And don\u2019t edit too heavily when it comes to what exactly has been going on.<\/p>\n

    Lizzie<\/strong>: Agreed! Gavel!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":35772,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,29396,210,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-35771","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dear-prudence","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-slate-plus","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/114790312489631021","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35771","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35771"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35771\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/35772"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35771"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35771"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35771"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}