![\"Dimitra](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/FB_IMG_1762455897399-8f74.jpg\")
\n\t\tI couldn\u2019t open up to people and show the \u2018real me\u2019 for fear that I\u2019d be too vulnerable (Picture: Dimitra Staikou)<\/p>\n
\t\t
\n\t\tI couldn\u2019t open up to people and show the \u2018real me\u2019 for fear that I\u2019d be too vulnerable (Picture: Dimitra Staikou)<\/p>\n
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).<\/p>\n
When I first heard those words of diagnosis. I didn\u2019t believe them.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It is a defined mental health<\/a> condition, characterised by a need for admiration, lack of empathy and a grandiose sense of self-importance. Until my diagnosis in 2024, aged 33, everything I\u2019d read about narcissists<\/a> was negative: they trampled over others to get ahead, they were manipulative or duplicitous. I didn\u2019t think I could be one.\u00a0<\/p>\n But a year on, I feel a sense of relief.\u00a0<\/p>\n As the only child of a wealthy family, born after many years of trying, I brought immediate joy to my parents. My father devoted himself to me, saying things like: \u2018Dimitra, you are my whole world.\u2019 I had everything I wanted \u2013 toys<\/a>, gifts and trips \u2013 but above all, my parents\u2019 undivided attention and love.\u00a0<\/p>\n At high school, I was popular with lots of friends, but I can\u2019t say I really bonded with anyone.\u00a0<\/p>\n Looking back, this feels consistent with NPD<\/a>: I couldn\u2019t open up to people and show the \u2018real me\u2019 for fear that I\u2019d be too vulnerable and lose control.<\/p>\n As I started exploring my sexuality, I\u2019d change sexual partners without caring about their feelings.<\/p>\n As an adult, I continuously sought the admiration of others in the same way I\u2019d always done with my parents. Instead of becoming a lawyer as I once thought I would, I studied theatre and became a director and writer so that my work could be admired. I loved the recognition.<\/p>\n \t\t Yet throughout it all, inside, I was fragile. I\u2019d had a sense since childhood that my personal value was reliant on success.\u00a0<\/p>\n That feeling had begun to take hold worse after my mother passed away when I was 19 \u2013 but the catalyst to seeing a psychiatrist was <\/strong>a series of crises. By my late twenties, I was unemployed, I had also lost my father due to Covid-19<\/a> complications, and I was going through a divorce<\/a>, which left me struggling to raise twin boys.<\/p>\n I would fall into extreme sadness when things didn\u2019t turn out the way I wanted. If one of my plays received even a single bad review, I\u2019d cry alone for days at home. I found myself getting <\/strong>impatient when I didn\u2019t get what I wanted and would stop seeing someone I was dating or any friend who gave me the slightest criticism.<\/p>\n Eventually, <\/strong>my cousin\u2019s wife, a psychiatrist, suggested I seek professional help. I agreed, knowing something needed to change.<\/p>\n In my first session with my own psychiatrist, we simply talked. He listened as I finally expressed all my anger and sadness about how life was treating me. I told him how much my father meant to me, how vacant I felt without his support, and how upset I was about my divorce.\u00a0<\/p>\n \t\t During\u202fthe\u202fsecond session,\u202f\u202fhe asked me to fill out a long questionnaire. It asked whether I was an introvert or an extrovert \u2013 I am the latter \u2013 and how I felt about my self-image, to which I answered that I was very secure and open socially, yet hid my inner insecurities extremely well.\u00a0<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t until our third session that my psychiatrist told me that I had NPD.<\/p>\n With so many friends in my life and children who I adored, I didn\u2019t think I met the criteria of a narcissist<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n Sensing my disbelief, my psychiatrist reassured me that all people have some narcissistic traits but people like me have them to such an extent that they <\/strong>can seriously affect their interpersonal relationships.\u00a0<\/p>\n While narcissists can have a really big social circle, on the inside, they are extremely lonely, keeping all the important parts of their inner lives to themselves.<\/p>\n He told me that when narcissism is controlled, it gives people confidence to take risks and explore life. But <\/strong>when it\u2019s out of hand, being unable to bond with others can lead to extreme loneliness.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \t\t My own narcissism made me extremely contradictory. I may <\/strong>have seemed confident, but I was deeply insecure and was never honest because I didn\u2019t want others to see my weaknesses. <\/strong>It likely stemmed from my childhood: signs of NPD can start from an early age and may arise in people who were the centre of their parents\u2019 world as children.<\/p>\n For treatment, I was prescribed 10mg of a drug called Brintellix to stabilise my mood swings, and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy<\/a> (CBT) once a week, to try and help me develop more emotional intelligence towards others.\u00a0<\/p>\n Then came the hard part of telling friends and family.<\/p>\n My cousin and his psychiatrist wife weren\u2019t surprised \u2013 in fact, she had suspected it because of my behaviour over the years.\u00a0<\/p>\n When I told two of my closest friends, they embraced me without making me feel ashamed, or like a social pariah. <\/p>\n They accepted me, and their reaction meant the world. It was the first time I\u2019d had a genuinely strong, emotionally connected moment with my friends, and it wouldn\u2019t have been possible without therapy.<\/p>\n One year on from my diagnosis, I\u2019ve processed the initial shock and now feel relieved. For the first time in my life, I <\/strong>finally know who I am at my core.<\/p>\n I\u2019m still seeing my psychiatrist, who gives me hypothetical situations happening to others and asks me to imagine how I would feel in the same scenario. He also encourages me to open up to people more.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m slowly starting to see a positive change. Once, a friend asked me to wake up in the middle of the night to buy medicine for her, which I did. I wanted to help her as I now understand more about how friends do things for each other.<\/p>\n In the past, I probably wouldn\u2019t have bothered.<\/p>\n There are still times that I feel lonelier than ever and feel like withdrawing from people. But when this happens, I remember my psychiatrist\u2019s words: \u2018This disorder is a part of you. Beyond loneliness, it gives you ambition and success, and before you rush to blame it, think about what would remain of you if you removed it.\u2019<\/p>\n It is who I am and I\u2019m learning to live with it.<\/p>\n Do you have a story you\u2019d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk<\/a>.<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Share your views in the comments below.<\/strong><\/p>\n Arrow Arrow Arrow![\"Dimitra](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/FB_IMG_1762455857055-00bd-e1762512983268.jpg\")
\n\t\tI would fall into extreme sadness when things didn\u2019t turn out the way I wanted (Picture: Dimitra Staikou)<\/p>\n![\"Dimitra](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/FB_IMG_1762455888384-67ce.jpg\")
\n\t\tWhile narcissists can have a really big social circle, on the inside, they are extremely lonely (Picture: Dimitra Staikou)<\/p>\n![\"Dimitra](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/FB_IMG_1762455819416-13be.jpg\")
\n\t\tI\u2019m slowly starting to see a positive change (Picture: Dimitra Staikou)<\/p>\n
\nMORE: I was breastfeeding \u2013 then my baby stopped breathing<\/a><\/p>\n
\nMORE: Spanking queues and penis massage classes \u2014 My weekend at a sex retreat<\/a><\/p>\n
\nMORE: I\u2019m an otrovert \u2013 here\u2019s what that means<\/a><\/p>\n