{"id":367480,"date":"2025-11-09T19:04:16","date_gmt":"2025-11-09T19:04:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/367480\/"},"modified":"2025-11-09T19:04:16","modified_gmt":"2025-11-09T19:04:16","slug":"im-grateful-shes-trying-more-in-bed-im-repulsed-by-how-shes-doing-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/367480\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m grateful she’s trying more in bed. I’m repulsed by how she’s doing it."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife and I are deeply in love and are both very affectionate. She\u2019s in her mid-50s, I\u2019m in my mid-60s. Just for background, she\u2019s never had an orgasm through penetrative, manual, or oral sex, though she regularly has one with oral sex and a vibrator and dirty talk. Our problem is sort of unrelated and actually my fault. In the past, my orgasm was always triggered by my partner\u2019s, and without her orgasm, I sometimes take a long time or don\u2019t finish at all, and she\u2019ll get tired and say things like, \u201cCome on, bring it on home!\u201d which really kills any chance of coming for me. I once made the mistake of asking if she could make some sounds of pleasure while we had sex, and she does, but they are, to be honest, pretty corny and kind of ridiculous. I\u2019m really grateful that she\u2019s so willing, but I also know that, post-menopause, she could pretty much take it or leave it, so I can\u2019t bring myself to tell her maybe I shouldn\u2019t have asked her to make those noises. Can you tell me how best to tell her it was my mistake?<\/p>\n

\u2014Careful What You Wish For<\/p>\n

Dear Careful What You Wish For,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Firstly, I think you need to assess whether or not intercourse should be your go-to sexual practice. Your wife could pretty much take it or leave it, and if she\u2019s not coming, you\u2019re not coming (at least for a while) so \u2026 is anyone actually having fun? Sure, it\u2019s possible: A sex act\u2019s worth isn\u2019t measured in whether or not it provides an orgasm\u2014some things are fun for fun\u2019s sake and that\u2019s great. But if vicarious pleasure is really what gets you off, it might be wise to focus more on what makes her come\u2014the oral, the vibrator, the dirty talk\u2014while at the same time masturbating yourself. (Or if she\u2019s down, she could masturbate you and\/or perform oral on you while you take care of her.) Many seem to believe that sex isn\u2019t real unless there\u2019s penis-in-vagina penetration and I just want to disabuse you of that notion and encourage you to seek pleasure where you find it, not according to some invented standard.<\/p>\n

Now, if you are determined to continue pursuing intercourse and your wife is totally down, I think it is reasonable to ask her to scale back on the theatrics. You did a great job of outlining the issue in your letter, so you\u2019re already on your way to articulating this to your wife. You\u2019ll want to use the softest, most affirming language possible. Start by telling her that you appreciate her putting in the effort that you requested. You can ask her how much of it is genuine\u2014if she confesses that it\u2019s little to none, it\u2019s reasonable to say that you had a feeling that was the case, and that her performance actually is taking you out of it. You can ask her just how much she is enjoying herself overall during intercourse. Maybe it\u2019s moderately so\u2014but enough that it makes sense to keep doing it. Maybe she\u2019s happy to keep at it because she likes facilitating your pleasure. Maybe she\u2019d rather not and she hasn\u2019t felt empowered enough to say that. It\u2019s a good idea to check in and then tell her that she should feel free to express herself verbally however she sees fit\u2014if it\u2019s commensurate with a meh reaction to the sex at hand, so be it. This takes her off the hook and allows you to explore her experience\u2014and ways to optimize her pleasure. Win\/win.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife and I are both in our early 50s, and we\u2019ve had a pretty spectacular marriage, with two problem areas: conflict and sex. I\u2019m a born people-pleaser who\u2019s hesitant to rock the boat, she\u2019s the youngest of a family of fighters who takes up defensive positions pretty rapidly. We\u2019re both pretty awkward about sex for various personal reasons and we\u2019re both low-desire which is both helpful and problematic, since arousal never seems to line up.<\/p>\n

I spent the first part of our marriage trying to figure out how to open lines of communication between us, only for it to turn into a fight I\u2019d retreat from. On the rare occasions she\u2019d express a want, it would be very vague and related to things with ambiguous consent, which was very difficult for me to navigate. We fell into a pattern where we\u2019d have something resembling fun for both of us, although she would just kind of let me drive and not really engage with me or my body. That I wasn\u2019t getting what I\u2019d always hoped for\u2014a sex life where my partner and I would learn to communicate, share our needs, and take care of each other\u2014sent me through periods of sadness and anger, but I kept it to myself and kinda boxed it up and put it away in the back of my brain.<\/p>\n

I came down with severe depression during the pandemic which I\u2019ve come out of mostly, but anhedonia lingers. For reasons I don\u2019t understand, this stuff I thought I\u2019d put to bed has come rushing back. I\u2019m feeling this great sense of loss and sadness, and I\u2019ve been able to mask it so far, but I can also tell that my wife knows something is on my mind. I don\u2019t want to lie by omission and pretend everything\u2019s fine anymore, but I also don\u2019t have the slightest idea how to have these conversations without it being something like, \u201cThe last 20 years of sex have sucked, I didn\u2019t get what I wanted, wah-wah poor me.\u201d And then even if we did discuss it, I still don\u2019t actually have any desire.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m at a loss here. In the last decade, we got diagnoses for her (autism and ADD) and me (OCD and anxiety), both of which have started to make conflict feel a little easier as we have frameworks for how each others\u2019 brains work. In addition, I\u2019ve never gotten over witnessing some ugly behavior from men in my childhood that left me with a lot of shame over sexual desire and guilt for asking for basically anything focused on my pleasure. Oh, and with the anhedonia, I can\u2019t get an erection anymore (even with pills). I could really use some guidance on how to start this conversation or if you think there\u2019s even a point to do so.<\/p>\n

\u2014Too Late?<\/p>\n

Dear Too Late?,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Firstly, to rebut your sign-off, it\u2019s never too late. I don\u2019t think this conversation is pointless, either. You really want to be able to connect and communicate with your wife. That\u2019s an important issue whether your dick is rock hard or saggin\u2019. You now are better equipped to deal with disagreement and there is a sense of things being unresolved. Closure might be good for you.<\/p>\n

You can start by acknowledging what is glaring: \u201cI know you can tell that something is up with me, and I\u2019d like to share what it is, if you are willing to listen.\u201d This, I realize, is a bit of a risk, as your wife could shut you down then and there. You could then emphasize how meaningful it would be to you if she would listen. If you make absolutely no headway, perhaps you could write down your thoughts in a letter that you urge her to read. You can\u2019t make her hear you out, but you can certainly emphasize how important it is to you that she try. You should also consider what, if anything, actionable that you want to convey. Maybe the telling is enough but there also might be ways of fostering intimacy that you can suggest.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s great that you\u2019ve both been using your diagnoses to navigate communication. Keep building there. If you aren\u2019t currently in therapy, it could help\u2014it sounds like you have some trauma from the behavior you witnessed in childhood that you still need to work through. Also, if you haven\u2019t talked to anyone about your anhedonia, that could also be useful. Anhedonia could have roots in physiology (a doctor may want to do blood tests to check your hormone levels, for example) and also psychology. In the latter case, sex therapy could help. Cover all your bases and visit multiple clinicians.<\/p>\n

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!<\/p>\n

The columnists behind our advice column,\u00a0Good Job<\/a>, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry?\u00a0Ask us your question here<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m having an embarrassing problem and don\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0Every time I see a certain female co-worker, I get a raging hard-on, no matter where we are.\u00a0And the weird thing is that she\u2019s not even that attractive.\u00a0 So far I\u2019ve been able to hide it, but there\u2019s got to be a way of stopping this! It\u2019s like I\u2019m back in middle school. Any ideas?<\/p>\n

\u2014Involuntarily Standing at Attention<\/p>\n

Dear Involuntarily Standing at Attention,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My Daughter Is More Advanced Than Her Peers. The Teacher Is Punishing Her For It!
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    I Divorced My Husband for a Selfish Reason. Now My Son Is the One Paying for It.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    I\u2019ve Just Had a Baby. It\u2019s Making Me See What My Parents Did to Me in a Whole New, Painful Light.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    My Ex Ruined My Life. I Got Over Him. Now I Want to Get Under Him.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Definitely keep hiding it. It\u2019s worked so far and it might be the most reliable strategy here. Other methods that may work are distraction (if it is indeed possible to divert your attention from the throbbing between your legs) and, as odd as it sounds, flexing a muscle. As surgeon influencer Karan Rajan explained in a 2021 TikTok<\/a>: \u201cWhen you tense any muscle, especially a large one, like in your thighs, the blood from the engorged spongey tissues, the corpus cavernosum and spongiosum, will be redirected to the flexed muscle.\u201d Plus, it\u2019s a good method of distraction.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Rich<\/p>\n

    Incidentally, what you\u2019re experiencing when you have a sexual response to someone or something that you intellectually know you aren\u2019t into is called arousal nonconcordance. Emily Nagoski writes about this in her book Come As You Are<\/a>, citing research performed by Meredith Chivers and Ellen Laan. \u201cThere is about a 50 percent overlap between what a male\u2019s genitals respond to as \u2018sexually relevant\u2019 and what his brain responds to as \u2018sexually appealing,\u2019\u201d Nagoski writes. That means it\u2019s extremely common for your dick to respond to something that you think it has no business responding to. Happens! Sometimes inexplicably. One of life\u2019s little mysteries.<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I am an early 30s gay male, have been married to my husband, a mid-30s gay male, for six years and together for 13 years. He is a long-time athletic coach. I suspected something was up with him for a while. So, I confirmed my suspicions by leaving a recording device in our bedroom one night while I was away. I discovered that he had an affair with one of his athletes. This athlete is over the age of consent, but much younger than he is. I am devastated. What should I do?<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":367481,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-367480","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-united-states","12":"tag-unitedstates","13":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115521301674998124","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/367480","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=367480"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/367480\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/367481"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=367480"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=367480"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=367480"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}