The term was coined by Norma Barrett, the study’s co-author and lecturer in public health and health promotion at Deakin University in Warrnambool, on the traditional lands of the Gunditjmara people in regional Victoria.<\/p>\n
She explains that while fathers are becoming increasingly engaged in daily family life, the persistence of a gendered norm means some feel on the “outskirts” when it comes to parenting decisions.<\/p>\n
And parenting alongside a passenger parent isn’t easy, says Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.<\/p>\n
She says mothers who are carrying the lion’s share of caring responsibilities because the men in their lives are not participating more may feel burdened.<\/p>\n
“It can be really stressful if you do feel you are the default parent and wearing the emotional and cognitive load of all decisions,” she says.<\/p>\n
So, what can you do if you’re stuck in a driver-passenger parent dynamic? And, because passenger parenting can look a lot like weaponised incompetence, we explain the difference.<\/p>\n
How dads become passenger parents and how they feel about it<\/p>\n
Tasks such as breastfeeding are most often done by the birthing parent. (Adobe Stock)<\/p>\n
While some dads Ms Barrett spoke to were “happy to go with the flow” and be led by their partner, most wanted to fully share the whole experience but felt “shut out” from doing so.<\/p>\n
She says the “sidekick” parenting role often begins for practical and social reasons.<\/p>\n
For example, it’s most often mothers who take time off to care for the baby.<\/p>\n
“There are physical reasons for that [being the birthing parent], and also if the baby is being breastfed then naturally it will be the mother that is going to do that,” Ms Barrett says.<\/p>\n
Dads may have little to no time off before returning to work, and the parent spending the bulk of the time with the child becomes “specialised” in the gig of parenting.<\/p>\n
Ms Dober says dads might feel like they are not as equipped to do things like dress the child, how and when to feed the child, and what health appointments they need, for example.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Carly Dober says parenting with a passenger parent can be stressful. (Supplied)<\/p>\n
Some men in Ms Barrett’s research expressed passenger parenting had a negative impact on their relationships.<\/p>\n
“They are trying to be more involved in decision making, like around caring for the baby, feeding the baby, trying to be part of it, and if struggles were arising, coming up with solutions \u2014 but not always feeling like they knew the right language or approach.<\/p>\n
“They would feel really shut down … not knowing their place.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Fathers can get stuck in their passenger role beyond the transition into parenthood, explains Ms Barrett, because even when mothers might return to work and the caring load should equalise, dads haven’t had the same “parenting boot camp”, leaving them on the backfoot.<\/p>\n
Do you feel like the passenger parent in your family? Or perhaps you’re tired of always being the one in the driver’s seat. Share with us at <\/strong>lifestyle@abc.net.au<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n
Tough on mums<\/p>\n
Ms Dober says while some women may be happy to take a leadership role in parenting, others may feel there is a pressure to be the “expert parent”.<\/p>\n
Whether it’s a role they are comfortable with or not, it can be a difficult one to fulfil, with consequences for their wellbeing, career, and financial future<\/a>.<\/p>\n
If current working patterns continue, the average 25-year-old woman today who goes on to have one child can expect to make $2 million less in lifetime earnings<\/a> compared to the average 25-year-old man who also becomes a parent.<\/p>\n
Research also shows twice as many women as men experience parental burnout, due to the fact women still carry 70 per cent<\/a> of the family mental load.<\/p>\n
“There are so many micro decisions in the day-to-day of parenting that really do add up \u2014 an infinite amount of decision to make,” Ms Dober says.<\/p>\n
The relationship can be impacted if women feel they aren’t supported, she says.<\/p>\n
“There might be resentment if you perceive your passenger parent is just deferring to you because they can’t be bothered or prefer you managing it.”<\/p>\n
Is passenger parenting just weaponised incompetence?<\/p>\n
In intimate partner relationships, weaponised incompetence is often evident in the division of domestic tasks and caring labour.<\/p>\n
It is when someone “demonstrates helplessness, real or false, in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibility, thus making other people [often their partner and\/or co-parent] feel they have to step in and do it for them,” Ms Dober told us for a previous article<\/a>.<\/p>\n
What makes passenger parenting different is intent, she explains.<\/p>\n
“Weaponised incompetence is when you might be trying to gain more spare time to rest, socialise, or just tend to your own needs versus those of the family.<\/p>\n
“Passenger parenting is feeling like you have less agency. There isn’t malicious intent \u2014 although it can look the same depending on some behaviours.”<\/p>\n