{"id":379216,"date":"2025-11-14T21:33:16","date_gmt":"2025-11-14T21:33:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/379216\/"},"modified":"2025-11-14T21:33:16","modified_gmt":"2025-11-14T21:33:16","slug":"we-just-got-some-bad-news-about-my-dads-health-i-dont-know-how-to-tell-my-son","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/379216\/","title":{"rendered":"We Just Got Some Bad News About My Dad\u2019s Health. I Don\u2019t Know How to Tell My Son."},"content":{"rendered":"

Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0<\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding, <\/strong><\/p>\n

My 67-year-old dad has been sick with a rare cancer since 2017. Without going too much into the saga of his surgeries\/treatments, it\u2019s been a battle with many ups and downs. Up until more recently, he was managing well and able to do most of the activities that he loves to do, including spending time with his grandchildren. He has become very thin and weaker than ever before, with frequent exhaustion that requires a lot of rest. There are no more treatment options, and it\u2019s unclear what the management looks like from here. There is no formal prognosis, but I fear that the rate things are going he does not have a lot of time left. My mom, who has been his caretaker, is also exhausted and emotionally drained from this. My question revolves around talking about this with my son, \u201cFreddie.\u201d Freddie just turned 4, and because my dad has mostly been able to do regular things with us when we visit (we live four hours away by car), I\u2019ve never actually told him that his grandpa is sick. It seemed way too complicated to discuss with him, especially before he was 4.<\/p>\n

How do you prepare a young child for the passing of their grandparent? Do I even discuss it with him yet? We have not really had an official conversation about death before, outside of seeing roadkill or a bug being squished. We haven\u2019t talked about dying in regards to people. I don\u2019t want to talk about it too soon, because I know it would take away from the time that he does spend with my dad, not to mention make my dad feel uncomfortable or sad.<\/p>\n

But would waiting make it more difficult? Freddie is very social with great language skills and a mind like a steel trap, and I know if I were to discuss something with him, he\u2019d likely talk about it with or in front of grandma\/grandpa. I\u2019m also trying to emotionally prepare myself for losing my dad, something that seemed like a death sentence almost 10 years ago, and it feels incredibly heavy and weighs on my mind a lot.<\/p>\n

\u2014Preparing for the Passing<\/p>\n

Dear Preparing,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

You\u2019re doing such a good job, and you should continue to follow your gut here. I think it\u2019s been the right move to avoid talking about your dad\u2019s illness with your son, and I think you should put it off as long as you can. What a gift, in a time of pain and anxiety, to have a child who is oblivious to it. Give your dad and yourself (and your son!) this gift as long as it keeps making sense.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s likely that pretty soon, Freddie will notice that something is different, and there will be something material that you can talk about with him. For example, if your dad follows the usual trajectory of a person with untreatable cancer, his energy will continue to decrease. He\u2019ll stop leaving the house, then stop leaving his bed. Whether you and Freddie are doing video calls or in-person visits, these are things that your son will notice, and you can talk to him about it. Keep your explanations simple and straight-forward. So you might say, \u201cWe\u2019re going to visit grandpa, and he\u2019s going to be in his bed because he\u2019s very sick.\u201d<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need to tell Freddie that granddad is dying\u2014wait to tell him about death until your dad has died. I know you\u2019re worried about \u201cpreparing\u201d him, but as you\u2019re finding, even adults can\u2019t really \u201cprepare\u201d ourselves for the death of our loved ones. Even once your dad goes on hospice, it could be weeks or months before he dies\u2014everyone\u2019s timeline is their own. That uncertainty is going to be hard enough for you; protect your son from it, if you can.<\/p>\n

When your dad does die, use simple language to tell your son, something like: \u201cGrandpa died, it means we can\u2019t see him or talk to him anymore, but we can talk about him and look at pictures and know that he loved us very much.\u201d And it\u2019s OK to be sad about it with him! He\u2019ll have a lot of questions, and again, just be a straightforward and honest as possible. And it\u2019s OK to say, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n

It can really help to read about how other people have handled these conversations, because you\u2019ll see that there is no \u201cone right way.\u201d You might also find language that resonates with you. This Reddit thread<\/a> has some really thoughtful responses. This Cup of Jo post<\/a> is gold, and the comments section is also a really wonderful font of wisdom. And of course, our columnists have written on this topic in the past: Allison Price<\/a>, Nicole Cliffe<\/a>, and Carvell Wallace<\/a> (twice<\/a>). Good luck, you can do this. And I\u2019m sorry that your father is so ill. You\u2019re doing a good job, for your dad and your son.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding, <\/strong><\/p>\n

My 3-year-old son is going through a phase where he refuses to wear clothes. In the mornings, I have to literally dress him and get him to the car ASAP when we leave for his daycare, because if I leave him unattended for so much as a minute, everything comes off and I have to start all over.\u00a0His daycare has had some success in keeping him clothed, but if they don\u2019t watch him carefully he\u2019ll soon be wearing his birthday suit.\u00a0It\u2019s getting to the point where they have said he will not be able to come back if the problem isn\u2019t resolved.\u00a0My husband thinks that since the weather is getting colder, the solution is to let him go outside without his clothes on so he can \u201clearn what they\u2019re for.\u201d\u00a0I\u2019m not willing to risk him getting hypothermia just to prove a point.\u00a0Help!<\/p>\n

\u2014Mom of a Little Nudist<\/p>\n

Dear Mom,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
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    Help! My Best Friend Is About to Marry a Nightmare. I Should Know.
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    When My Best Friend Told Me She Was Applying to My Company, I Secretly Hoped She Wouldn\u2019t Get It. Now My Worst Fears Have Come True.
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    My Son and His Friends Stole Something From a Younger Kid. I Think My Wife Went Way Too Far in Response.
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  4. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    A Certain Kid Is Always at Our Local Playground Without an Adult. But That\u2019s Not My Only Problem With Her.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Your husband\u2019s idea is almost good\u2014natural consequences, etc.\u2014but actually, it\u2019s bad and could spectacularly backfire. We don\u2019t just wear clothes to keep us warm in the cold. We wear them because, in our society, it\u2019s an universal rule, in public and in many private businesses (like daycares!), that we wear clothes that cover our bodies. Also: Many kids feel temperature differently, and it\u2019s entirely possible your son could go out in the cold naked and be perfectly comfortable and undeterred in the least. He might also get hypothermia, so like, let\u2019s just nip that one in the bud.<\/p>\n

    You\u2019re on a daycare deadline, so Instead of trying to make a behavior change, I think you\u2019ve got to make a clothes change and dress him in clothes that he can\u2019t take off\u2014the most common suggestion I\u2019ve seen for this is one-piece pajamas worn backwards, so the zips or snaps are in the back. And while you\u2019re at it, I\u2019d make sure the ones you\u2019re picking are soft, breathable, and don\u2019t have tags inside in case he\u2019s stripping because his clothes are uncomfortable. (Often, brands label these as \u201csensory friendly.\u201d) You might have to try several options, but hopefully you can get one that he\u2019ll tolerate (I expect that he\u2019ll try to take anything off at first, but will soon move on.) I think this will be a blip. Good luck!<\/p>\n

    \u2014Logan<\/p>\n

    More Parenting Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    Is there such a thing as taking too many pictures of your kids? My husband, who is a great father, is really fanatical about taking photos of our only child, a 3-year-old girl. He takes pictures of her CONSTANTLY. He thinks it\u2019s important to document every day, so he\u2019ll take a minimum of 10 photos daily, along with a few short videos. That\u2019s just on an average day. If anything remotely interesting happens\u2014a new toy, an outing, a new skill\u2014he\u2019ll take dozens of photos and 10\u201320 minutes of video. He has videos of her singing every song she knows, every word she tries to say<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column.\u00a0Have a question for Care and Feeding?\u00a0Submit it here. Dear Care…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":379217,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,246,210,251,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-379216","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-family","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-kids","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115550198643345911","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379216","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379216"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379216\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/379217"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379216"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379216"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379216"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}