{"id":390681,"date":"2025-11-19T20:42:18","date_gmt":"2025-11-19T20:42:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/390681\/"},"modified":"2025-11-19T20:42:18","modified_gmt":"2025-11-19T20:42:18","slug":"most-men-take-what-happens-during-our-steamy-makeouts-very-personally-i-cant-help-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/390681\/","title":{"rendered":"Most men take what happens during our steamy makeouts very personally. I can’t help it."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Stoya and Rich here.<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a 59-year-old gay man who had a prostatectomy<\/a> last year. I often receive aggressive, in-person flirtation from nice guys who obviously want to hook up casually. I owe them a warning, though.<\/p>\n

I desperately want to say yes (with precautions), but when do I tell them that I won\u2019t get hard? I\u2019m a passionate guy who enjoys a lot of things, and can still have wild, dry orgasms. Rejecting a blowjob comes off as rejecting the person. Mentioning my prostate cancer is a mood killer for a casual flirtation, but guys take it personally if we make out and I don\u2019t get hard (even though I\u2019m totally into it). I have a BiMix prescription, but even then, it\u2019s not very portable, and I have to excuse myself awkwardly. What explanation do I owe them, and when? If it\u2019s a dealbreaker, I\u2019m wasting their time. Nobody seems to understand the sad side effects of this surgery.<\/p>\n

\u2014From Top to Bottom But Still Alive<\/p>\n

Dear From Top to Bottom But Still Alive,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I feel for you and agree\u2014the effects of a prostatectomy are not discussed very often in mainstream forums. Especially lacking is how they impact gay sex. It sounds like you\u2019re handling yours well, though. I don\u2019t know for sure if your sign-off is a true reflection of how you\u2019ve modified your sexual practices to your current abilities\/interests, but if so: Bravo. You\u2019re finding your way despite unfair limitations.<\/p>\n

If you are identifying as a bottom, it is completely reasonable to say upfront to potential partners that your dick is off limits, especially in casual encounters. Plenty of bottoms don\u2019t get hard and\/or put no focus on their penises during sex. This may disappoint some vers\/top guys, but it won\u2019t turn them all off. The negative reactions you\u2019ve received about your lack of erection won\u2019t necessarily be the norm\u2014you may just have encountered a less-than-ideal sample. You\u2019re nearly 60 years old, and it\u2019s not uncommon for guys to have erectile issues as they get older. You don\u2019t have to explain yourself or talk about your surgery. They can take it or leave it. This may result in rejection, but so might identifying as a total top in the event that one encounters another total top. It\u2019s OK to not be for everyone, as exciting as it is to be pursued on a mass scale. Let people take their disappointment and move on.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya
\n I Had Quite the Sex Life in My 20s. I\u2019m Wondering If It\u2019s Wrong Not to Tell the Men I Date About It.
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    So for hookups, I\u2019d say you owe little to no explanation. You\u2019re doing what you\u2019re doing, it doesn\u2019t involve your dick being hard, and that is that. If you were to embark on regular sex with someone, whether a sex bud or a boyfriend, that\u2019s when you might want to say something. You\u2019d want to do it sometime around when you notice things getting less anonymous. At that point, your partner will have already liked what you\u2019ve offered so far, and hopefully, will be happy just keeping things as they are.<\/p>\n

    Familiarity might make the BiMix injection process a bit less awkward, too. Regarding that medication, it\u2019s worth trying to break down the awkwardness you feel about that. It\u2019s not ideal, but look at how amazing medical technology is! If someone really wants to play with your hard dick, there is a good chance that he will be accepting of whatever method you use to achieve it. Having to use drugs to achieve and maintain an erection can be humbling, but if you try to focus on the practicality, it may make it easier. It\u2019s nothing to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Rich<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and have been together for 15. I have tried to have many conversations about sex and they are hardly productive. I have tried many of the common suggestions for improving sexual frequency, having a set day\/time for it, asking her what I can do to turn her on, etc.\u00a0But every suggestion is brushed off, she wants our sex life to be spontaneous, or she just has to be in the right mood to do it, and while I respect her answers to these questions they don\u2019t help me figure out what I can do to help. Over the past year, I know she has made an effort to increase frequency for me, and I GREATLY appreciate it. However, there is a hitch.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Stoya and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":390682,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-390681","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-slate-plus","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115578310253547601","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390681","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=390681"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390681\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/390682"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=390681"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=390681"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=390681"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}