{"id":456641,"date":"2025-12-19T00:28:22","date_gmt":"2025-12-19T00:28:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/456641\/"},"modified":"2025-12-19T00:28:22","modified_gmt":"2025-12-19T00:28:22","slug":"i-suspect-i-know-why-theres-something-very-off-about-my-wife-down-there-shes-not-ready-to-hear-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/456641\/","title":{"rendered":"I suspect I know why there’s something very off about my wife … down there. She’s not ready to hear it."},"content":{"rendered":"

How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0<\/strong>Send it to Jessica and Rich here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am a 54-year-old man who has been married for 20-plus years to a 50-year-old woman. I had a pretty active sex life before we met, and she had some experience, but mostly just a few hook-ups, that, by her recollection, were mostly her opening her legs and letting the guy finish hurriedly. She claims that her first non-solo climax was with me and that was one reason she continued seeing me, leading to a very deep bond. Similarly, while she wasn\u2019t particularly sexually adventurous, she was open to various positions and, honestly, after experiencing a pretty good sample size, I found her vulva and vagina to feel, taste, and look better than others.<\/p>\n

While our frequency has declined over the years, our weekly (sometimes semi-weekly!) sex is generally fine, except for one thing.<\/p>\n

Her vagina is too loose now, and I have trouble getting enough friction to cum. This is new to me, because while I am not much longer than average, I had always been told that my erections are much thicker than other guys\u2019 and had always found every partner to be \u201ctight.\u201d Would 25 years of active sex \u201cstretch\u201d her out?<\/p>\n

This has been building for a few years, and yes, now that I am older, it takes a little bit more \u201caction\u201d for me to finish. We\u2019ve tried various positions and some work better than others, but in general, it just gets tiresome thrusting away as she visibly loses interest a few minutes after her orgasm (which happens in all but our most hurried sessions). While she will give some half-hearted licks, she doesn\u2019t like giving oral\u2014especially after penetration\u2014and we tried anal a couple of times, but neither of us is really into that. So most of our sessions end with me jacking off next to her, while she is obviously content and thinking about other things, which sometimes kills the vibe completely.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve mentioned to her a few times to \u201ctry to squeeze it,\u201d but she just sort of laughs it off, which also tracks with her generally viewing sex as something that the man puts most of the effort into. Plus, while I enjoy taking the lead in bed, I don\u2019t like telling her what to do sexually or otherwise. I don\u2019t want to hurt her feelings, and this isn\u2019t the most important thing, but I\u2019ve had trouble getting the point across that now that we are older, I need her to put a little more effort into it, whether that be Kegels, something to tighten up, or more active participation in our sessions. Any advice?<\/p>\n

\u2014Worn Out<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Jessica Stoya: <\/strong>Oh, boy. His sentence, \u201cAnd this isn\u2019t the most important thing,\u201d is perfunctory and performative. I feel like the writer had a sense that people might judge the language used and the issue at hand, and felt like he had to say it\u2019s not that important.<\/p>\n

Rich Juzwiak: <\/strong>Right. It\u2019s important for our purposes: It\u2019s the focus of the letter, and that\u2019s what we\u2019re here to address.<\/p>\n

Jessica:<\/strong> It\u2019s also clearly pretty important for him. Would 25 years of sex stretch her out? That\u2019s not how things work. Also, our writer likely had very little opportunity to learn in his lifetime whether that is or is not how things work. But both sexes tend to lose pelvic floor tone as they age, regardless of how much sex they\u2019ve had, how big any penises might have been, whether pregnancy has happened and a woman has given birth, fisting, orgasming, etc. It\u2019s just age. Often, women who have given birth are given access to the tools to maintain pelvic floor function as part of the recovery process.<\/p>\n

My biggest concern at the moment is how to get the wife into the kind of doctor who can evaluate whether some pelvic floor therapy needs to happen, regardless of how the sex is going to feel for this guy. When you get into your 60s and 70s, if you don\u2019t have a strong pelvic floor, stuff can start to prolapse, you can have urinary and bowel leakage, it\u2019s not a good scene, and it\u2019s a lot easier to intervene earlier than to be like, \u201cI\u2019m 70, and I can\u2019t control my pelvic floor.\u201d<\/p>\n

In order to achieve that, I\u2019m pretty sure he\u2019s going to have to put sexual satisfaction on a shelf and just focus on saying, \u201cI think this is something you should mention to your doctor.\u201d He can do that with the knowledge that it\u2019s likely to help her pelvis tighten back up. But often, in these kinds of discussions, if you portray it as just kind of a sex thing, the person who\u2019s not particularly invested in sex is going to dismiss it.<\/p>\n

Rich: <\/strong>Yeah, it\u2019ll just seem selfish and insulting. But that\u2019s why I think the letter writer has to position himself as an expert. There\u2019s nobody who knows the feel of her vagina as he does; they\u2019re monogamous. Also, hormonal changes can create a different kind of effect. What he is feeling in terms of looseness is an estimate; it\u2019s his assessment. He\u2019s not the expert on what\u2019s going on; he\u2019s just the expert in the fact that something is going on. He can tell her that he\u2019s noticed something\u2019s a little bit different, and so she might want to get that looked at.<\/p>\n

Jessica: <\/strong>Also, sometimes penises get smaller or less hard on average as time goes on, so it could be that a portion of the difference in friction is because he\u2019s shrinking a bit.<\/p>\n

Rich: <\/strong>Exactly. Obviously, a PDE5 inhibitor would be useful in keeping you at full mast. You will shrink sometimes because there\u2019s just not as much blood going into your dick, so if you can get that going using some medication, then you may retain your previous max size, and maybe that would actually give you a change in sensation as well. In a long session like that, especially with a partner who\u2019s kind of just going along for the ride, there can be a distracting element of, \u201cWell, this isn\u2019t ideal in terms of the titillation I\u2019m feeling, so is my erection going to go away?\u201d Then that gets into your head, and it affects the sex. So that\u2019s why the ED drugs are useful beyond the blood flow; they help with the psychology of it sometimes.<\/p>\n

Jessica:<\/strong> It\u2019s really great that our writer was able to be, it turns out, permanently the person who can help his wife have an orgasm. And I always prefer when men who enjoy sex with women err on the side of prioritizing the woman\u2019s orgasm. That said, in the same way that when I\u2019m having sex with a man, I know once they have an orgasm, my fun is finished, so I kind of factor for that, he might consider trying to aim for sex where she doesn\u2019t orgasm until right before he\u2019s about to, and that\u2019s probably going to result in her staying engaged throughout. Lots of women do have one orgasm and go, \u201cYeah, I\u2019m done now.\u201d I would roll over and go to sleep.<\/p>\n

Rich: <\/strong>Right. And I understand that these issues are important for the writer, but look, you\u2019re having regular sex decades into your relationship, and she\u2019s coming. What he describes in terms of her coming and then he\u2019s jacking himself off is a really common thing that happens. I see it a lot myself in my own experiences. In terms of gay male sex, bottoms, if they come, a lot of the time, they can\u2019t keep taking the dick; it\u2019s just too much, and so then the top finishes himself off. Of course, you want people to be engaged and to enjoy that along with you until the end, but there are worse things. The way that they\u2019ve sorted it out is what I would recommend. So yes, this isn\u2019t optimal. I understand you want it to be even better, but a little perspective is called for. It\u2019s still pretty damn good.<\/p>\n

Jessica:<\/strong> From the context of a very heteronormative relationship that I\u2019m in now, it\u2019s often a similar experience in those contexts. It\u2019s rare for both people to have the Bridgerton-style, coming at the same time kind of moment.<\/p>\n

We can often get these scripts in our heads of how sex is supposed to play out. In the context of a long-term relationship, you can develop a very specific and almost rigid routine. So keep in mind you don\u2019t have to adhere to a routine that isn\u2019t working. You also don\u2019t have to switch to one other routine. Sometimes she finishes, and you\u2019re there jacking off. Sometimes you aim for her to orgasm just before you do. Maybe every once in a while it doesn\u2019t happen for her, that\u2019s probably going to be OK, and sometimes you can do other things.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya
\n My Girlfriend\u2019s Intense Enjoyment of Sex Is Uh, Ruining It for Me
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Then, just to address his thing about positions: My instinct is that positions where her lower back is quite arched in one direction or another, or her legs are pressed together, even crossed, are going to be the positions where there\u2019s more of a sensation of tightness.\u00a0As much as I really love and support open dialogue, if that\u2019s not going to function or if he needs to not mention sex at all to tell her that it would be a good idea to mention the pelvic floor changes to a doctor, he can just casually go for positions that feel tighter.<\/p>\n

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    Rich: <\/strong>Yes. But obviously, ideally, talking about this as gently as possible, and not using words like loose, is the way to go.<\/p>\n

    Jessica: <\/strong>Do not say anything about sample sizes or better or worse than others.<\/p>\n

    Rich: <\/strong>It\u2019s funny, because a lot of the time, my advice is to use the letter sent in as a template for how to talk about it with your partner. This is one of those letters that\u2019s not the template. You don\u2019t want to go into a lot of this stuff just for the sake of being heard; you don\u2019t want to hurt her feelings and shut her down.<\/p>\n

    Jessica: <\/strong>I would prioritize saying, \u201cIt seems like there are some physical changes. I would really love it if you\u2019d mention that to your primary care or gynecologist next time you see them.\u201d Then, when addressing the sex, do your best to make it a neutral issue. Err on the side of it being your own issue. If it\u2019s true that his erections are not as firm as five, 10 years ago, use that, just because this kind of stuff is not easy to hear, especially for women who are aging and don\u2019t really have that much of an investment in sexual pleasure to begin with.<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m 64 and my husband is 65. We\u2019ve been together for nearly 40 years. He is still crazy about me, thinks I\u2019m beautiful and sensual, and has always had a much higher sex drive than I have. In fact, since my breast cancer surgery seven years ago and the estrogen-blocking medicines I\u2019ve been on, my sex drive is pretty much zero. But he\u2019s loyal and honorable so he\u2019d never have an affair or pay for sex, so he\u2019s devised a different routine\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!…\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":456642,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[600,210,5598,5597,67,132,68],"class_list":{"0":"post-456641","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-sex","11":"tag-slate-plus","12":"tag-united-states","13":"tag-unitedstates","14":"tag-us"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@us\/115743406546716622","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/456641","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=456641"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/456641\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/456642"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=456641"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=456641"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=456641"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}